juggling act

what an angel.
a gift from heaven.
you quietly rest in sweet peace.
your eyes are closed - mouth slightly open.
breathing softly - ever so softly.
dreaming tender dreams.
rest - my sweet baby - rest.

with life so busily buzzing around us its sometimes hard to stop and focus on the moment.  will and i both work full time 40 + hr week jobs that keep our minds occupied at least 8 hours a day.  since i work from home i feel like daxton does a lot of alone playtime or pop-in playtime where i start something for 1 minute and then let him carry on by himself.  it's not how i imagined i'd be parenting, but its the reality of the situation.  while taking conference calls, running the nc team, answering hundreds of emails, and fielding manager inquiries, focusing your attention on a baby is a hard thing to do.  he spends lots of time on my lap with one arm around him and the other typing away, focused on excel spreadsheets and online programs.  i feel like even though i am home with him, i am missing out.  sure, he and i get to have breakfast together, we share every bottle, we have a lunch break, and i am fully with him as soon as i sign off work - but during the day my eyes, my ears, and my being are not solely devoted to him.  that's hard.  hard to swallow.  feeling inadequate is just how things are going lately and i just pray that the time i give him is enough time and that he's not suffering in any way because my head is jammed in a laptop or shoved into the receiver of a phone.

i need to give myself - and him - time each day where he is my sole focus.  its good for him, its good for me, its good for my soul.  he's brought so much meaning to our lives and i don't want him to ever feel neglected or taken for granted.  he's our pride and our raison d' etre.  he's growing up fast and i want to witness all of his milestones, encourage him, cheer him on, and help him be the best little boy he can be.  being a good parent is what i want to be successful at in my life.  i want to be a role model for him, in what i say and do.  i don't want him to ever look back and say that mommy worked too much.  i am hoping soon, very soon, that a balance will come.

a gift

a letter from my sweet sister beth:

Get your box of tissues....

I will wait.

Good?

Ok, I was looking and looking through cards and nothing came even close to what I wanted to say to you. They were all too weak...too vanilla.

Sure I'm happy you are a Mom now but soooo much more than what it says in a card. So here goes.

My Dearest Sister,

I first and foremost are so proud to call you my sister. You are so loving, thoughtful and caring. You adore your husband and both of you have stood by each other through things that would tear most couples apart. This journey you have been on to become parents has been epic. Your faith and hope carried the two of you through. You are two of the best people I know.
Ok Yes..Mother's Day....I know but with out Will, this all would not have been possible...so now...onto just you.

I am so proud of the Mother you have become. Daxton is so lucky to have the love you give him. He is going to grow up and be so bright, fun loving and intelligent. No bright and intelligent are different things. Bright meaning in spirit. I can already see in his eyes the joy of his spirit. You bring that out in him as his Mother. Daxton may not have grown inside of you but he definitely belongs with you. He is the little one you (both) have been waiting on for so long, God's promise to you fulfilled. He rewarded your faith, and patience with this precious life, this little perfect person. The color and joyfulness you already bring to him is amazing. I know I took over 1,000 pictures of James first year, but I'm also sure you have already topped that. What wonderful memories he will be able to share in because of this. I can not wait to see him grow and change and to hear him call you Mama. The first time will be the best, and there will be no greater "Love you" than from him. Just as James is for me Daxton is, and will always be the love of your life (sorry Will). Being a Mother takes precedence over all other things, Daxton is yours to protect, love and nourish. I have no doubt Daxton will have all of this in abundance. So on this your First Mother's Day, know that the little bundle of joy you hold in your arms is who you are meant to mother. He is one very lucky little boy. I love you with all of my heart...and I again am so proud to call you Sister, and now Mother to my Nephew Daxton.

--
Bethy

a mother's day

mother's day.

it was previously always a day i loathed up until last year.

at about this same time last year we were in full paper trails and for the first time ever i saw light and felt hope - hope that soon, sooner than ever before i'd be someone's momma.

see, it's all i ever really wanted, all i ever genuinely prayed for - was for God to make us parents. it took a hell of a lot of convincing on our hearts, but God had it all planned out.  He knew that that mother's day would be the last morher's day that could consume such sadness. despite the hope, we still had doubts of the timing, but it all flowed smoothly together and i started to feel at ease.

and so it's on this day that we typically commemorate moms with corsages, bouquets, cards with gold seals, and freshly prepared meals that she doesn't have to prepare or clean up after, that i humbly welcome myself into this upcoming weekend and officially indoctrinate myself into those that can be and will be happy on this mother's day.  so wherever this journey finds you, may you take piece in knowing that things do get better. God can make beautiful this out of the dust, and i hope that one day (if it has not already) this day will bring happiness to you as well.

6 months

it's been six months since daxton was born.

it's been six months since this sweet boy found his way into our lives.

it's been six months since our hearts grew exponentially with a love we never knew.

it's hard to believe that daxton is 6 months old today! 6 months! that's half a year! how did this happen! 6 months seems like such a milestone, yet i am not ready for my baby to be 6 months old! don't get me wrong - we're excited to see him grow, to watch his ever changing moves, to learn more and more about his personality every waking moment - but time needs to just slow down!

daxton is growing up fast.  he's really into trying new veggies since his beloved squash has been hard to come by.  lately he's been digging into some sweet potato with white bean, green beans with peas, and a couple fruits.  so far he's tested out prunes, mango, and apple.  right now he favors anything orange, so sweet potato and mango are some of his treasured din-dins.  he does pretty well at sitting up in his high chair, but he still gets a little lean going on to the right or left and sometimes takes a slouched back approach.  we prop him back up and then he's good to chow down.

daxton's had some firsts this month. 

he had his first trip to the beach for daddy's birthday.  he got to put his little toes into the sand and the icy cold ocean water.  he was fond of the sand, the sun, and the sound of the waves crashing - but he was not so excited about the chilling coldness of the splashing water.  we tortured him a little by plunging his toes into the crashing waves and he'd yank them back up as quick as he could.  it was cute, but we could only get away with doing it so many times.  he spent the majority of his beach weekend in full on sleeping mode.  we think its because in his room at night he has a sleep sheep that plays crashing waves - it was kind of like the beach was a giant sleep sheep.  he'd hear the waves crashing and he could not resist the sleepies!

speaking of birthday - we had daddy's birthday party.  dax and i made daddy some cupcakes, went shopping for gifts, and even dawned party hats for daddy's big day.  dax picked daddy out some socks with "crabs" on them for his little gift.  daddy loves them and has worn them twice since the party day.  he loved us singing the happy birthday song and thought that was just a hoot.  he hears it at restaurants sometimes, but there was just something fascinating about mommy singing it.  sure, i do hand motions and jumped up and down - but still - its mommy singing.

daxton went to a street festival in our town and got to see a fire truck, some kids doing performance art, and listen to live music.  he stayed awake for a long time and really enjoyed watching the kids dance.  he's fascinated by watching dancing.  his birth mom loves dancing and we hope that he'll try out some lessons when he gets older.  we certainly have no dance skills, so if he can inherit this trait maybe he could teach us some moves.

daxton also learned to flip from back to front to front to back - all the way around in a complete roll!  he surprised himself when he did it, and when i started cheering he lit up with a huge grin.  he loves to hear me make a huge deal about stuff (especially in a high pitched voice), and this was no exception.  he does pretty good at going from one side to another, but not on a regular basis.  when you put him on his stomach he is fine with it for about 15 minutes, but then he reaches his max capacity and if he cannot remember that he's supposed to flip over he'll have a mini-meltdown.  we sometimes have to end up rolling him over to rescue him from his own arm (that blocks his roll).

he'd previously discovered that he can make sound, but not to the extent that he does now.  he loves to babble, coo, and make noise.  he has a high pitched sound he recently discovered and he sounds like a little birdie when he lets that one fly.  he loves hearing himself make noise and loves to hear it on a recording.  we've taken quite a few videos on my iphone and we play them back for him so he can see and hear himself.  he watches them with a fixation like no other. 

he's a sweet boy and he loves to pet on things.  his latest love is rubbing his blanket, the button of his side snap onesie, his daddy's beard, his mommy's hair, and the doggie's face.  he looks at whatever he is petting with a sincere passion and he strokes away.  it's the cutest, sweetest, most adoring thing.

he's also pulling up when you give him your fingers and attempts to pull himself up from laying down into a sitting position.  he cannot hold himself up for more than a few seconds, but we gently lay him back down before he crashes.  he likes sitting up in the bumbo more now.  he used to get an upset tummy every time he sat up in the little chair before, but now he can sit up in the bumbo for about twenty minutes with no problem.  he seems to like being in that upright position, so hopefully soon he will be sitting up with less and less assistance!

daxton also had his first photo shoot.  we'd previously purchased a living social deal and had our family photos taken a few weeks ago.  daxton was good with the camera (he's kind of used to it), but the timing ended up being at a time of day when he was kind of sleepy.  after a little while he just had enough and we had to call it quits, but we ended up getting some good shots and we'll be posting them on the blog as soon as we get the disc!

it's been a busy 30 days!

it's been six months of 1166 diaper changes.

it's been six months of 1175 bottles for a total of 40.9 gallons.

it's been six months of cuddling, rocking, and loving on our boy.

it's been six months of the purest joy you'd ever know.

path to openness

open adoption roundtable #36

openness.  i know i've blogged about it before, but it was the one thing that absolutely terrified us about adoption.  when we got started, we actually made a point to steer clear of agencies who were pushing open adoption and we felt happy like little clams because of that decision.  it was the main reason i really thought we should do an international adoption.  keep the biologicals far far away - even in another country.  after all, we did not need them changing their mind, coming back 4 years later and trying to pull something, or dropping in on us all of the time.

but i was wrong.

my thinking - our thinking - was all wrong.

so - so wrong.

it was our own insecurities and idiocy that scared us into almost submitting to our fears and seeking a closed adoption.  what a lifelong mistake that would have been!  however, it was God who halted us when we were at that point and put several life altering hurdles in our path.  hurdles were placed in our lives that would take us years to overcome.  while we journeyed down that road, our eyes became more open, less glassy, and we clearly saw that closed adoption was good for nobody.

my sister is a "victim" of a closed adoption.  i phrased it in those terms because this happened to her, without any choosing of her own, and there is nothing she could have done to have changed it.  she does not know where she came from, other people who look like her, or what ever happened to any of them.  she has no medical information on her biologicals and does not know anything about that part of her.  her paperwork is a jungle of holes - and so is her heart.  just imagine not knowing.

she did her best to steer us towards open adoption, but it was not the time when will and i were ready to process it.  sure, we heard her, but we really were focused on US - and how the birth parents could endanger US and OUR future.  but God gave us those hurdles, and with time to focus we met people like Cathy W. who had just recently adopted her son Gus.  Gus has an open relationship with his birth parents and we saw it wasn't so scary.  At about the same time we met Kierstin W., who has an adopted daughter Kaycee, who also relishes in an open adoption.  God was giving us examples of how we needed to be and how we needed to change our views.

by viewing other people's open adoptions more carefully it led us to really begin to research open adoption and how it could work in our lives.  it was through classes with Bethany that we learned that our selfishness was not a reason to deprive our child of a link to their past, and our own insecurities were not a reason to deny this sweet birth family a connection to their biological child.  in time we got over OURSELVES, and saw that we needed to do what was right for our child and right for everyone involved.  we decided on an open adoption.

we set our profile wide open, knowing that God would bring us the child we were meant to parent.  it was not too long after our book went active that we had a match.  we met with that expectant family and started to see what an open relationship was going to look like.  that family had multiple other children and this baby would be their 5th.  we'd never considered how openness would change us.  we left that meeting and went home and prayed for that sweet family and that God would make things happen how he best saw fit.  we prayed for the expectant father to find a new job, for the expectant mother to have a safe and easy labor and not to have to work so many jobs, and for their children to be happy and well adjusted.  but, that is all that relationship ended up being.  it was an open "visit" and that was the end of it.  the match failed and we still continue to pray for that family every day.  we'll never know what happened to them or where they ended up, but through openness they have people praying for them and their future.

openness led us to be chosen again shortly after this failed match.  we were guarded when we met expectant mother #2, and no matter how hard we tried, we were just a little closed off.  we were nervous that what happened before would happen again.  but openness gives you a fragility that you would not have if you were closed off.  this fragility is part of living, its really feeling your emotions, knowing pain, knowing joy, and having it all flutter inside of you.  this expectant mom was unwavering.  she gave us ultrasound photos right away, and she'd decided that we were the ones.  it was amazing to be there with her and to have this face to face meeting before our son was born.  we got to know her, what she liked, what she did not like, and answer any questions she had.  we talked about our level of openness and what we were seeking.  we talked about the future.  we all agreed that we'd meet 4 times per year and we'd share communication by phone/email in between those visits.  it was good to settle on something, something realistic, and something we could all count on.  setting our expectations were important, and we all needed some clear and focused gauge of knowing what the other person was seeking.

shortly after our son was born we were called to come to the hospital.  because of openness we were allowed in the birthmother's hospital room and we got to sit with her and spend time with our son.  because of openness we were allowed to take pictures to share with our friends and family who had prayed so long for this baby to find us.  because of openness we started our relationship with our son's birthmother and her family.

our first visit was just after the revocation period had expired.  will and i were scared, but we knew we had to do it.  see, in the state in which we live, open adoption agreements are not legal documents - they are moral covenants.  in having an open relationship you represent not only your family name and what you've agreed to, but you also represent the agency you are working with.  our agency strongly reminds adoptive parents of this fact.  we never thought for a moment we would not get in the car and drive to the birth mother's house that day, but it was just not an easy thing to do.  i was worried.  i was not worried she was going to take the baby, but i was worried she'd regret her decision.  not her decision to place the child for adoption, but to place the child with us.  i was worried we would not appear to be good parents and she'd worry that she'd picked the wrong people.  i was worried about dax's outfit, how he looked, how she thought he'd look, worried that his hat was too big, his socks were falling off, or that we would not know how to change a diaper in front of everyone.  it was this nervous energy that was making us scared,  not what you'd think you'd be afraid of.  i was just worried we'd let her down.

think how far we'd come.  i mean after all, just one year prior we thought of a birthmother like a villan, and now she's a real person and someone we genuinely wanted to impress and prove ourselves to.  look how much time had changed us.  we came to see how birthparents are a gift.  the time we spend with them is a treasure and something to cherish.  they are part of our children's history - the part that fills in the holes - answers the questions - and makes sense of it all.  these wonderful people gave us the ultimate gift and entrusted us with raising this child.  the least we could do is to respond to their emails, send them pictures, and go visit them whenever we can.

we're an open book now.  after our most recent visit with our birthmom and a thunder storm that caused us to become separated in a park, i had gone into a panic mode when i realized i did not have our birthmom's cell phone number.  fear set in when i thought for a flash of a moment that she'd think we'd abandoned her there.  as soon as we found her and she was safely out of the rain i asked for the number.  she now has ours too.  we email pretty much 3 times a week and we talk about what's going on in each other's lives.  were there when she needs us and she's there when we need her, and we never let each other down.  if you think you won't need her as much as she needs you, just be open and you'll see how much you really do need her.  its openness that's built this relationship and openness that will carry us far into the future with each other.  we originally said we'd meet 4 times annually and so far (in 5 months) we've met 4 times and we've got a 5th visit in the works for june.  this visit is one that i planned.  she never asked for it.  we just feel like its right to meet about every 2 months.  we also pray that she and her family will feel comfortable enough to come to dax's 1st birthday party this fall, and hope we can strive for 6 visits total this year.  sure, its more than she asked for, but its what seems right - right now.  we're changed.  we're grateful to God and everyone who helped to get us here, and we would not have it any other way.

5 months

it's been five months since daxton was born.

it's been five months since this sweet boy found his way into our lives.

it's been five months since our hearts grew exponentially with a love we never knew.

it's hard to believe that daxton is 5 months old today! what a celebration of Easter to share this day with the resurrection of Jesus! daxton is a big fan of church. he went to church three times in the past three days! we went friday night to watch a play and daxton spent his first 2 hours in the nursery. he did a great job and was only fussy for a minute. saturday he went to an Easter egg hunt where there were over 3,000 children hunting 9,000 eggs! we just let dax watch, but he'll be ready to go next year! today he attended sunday's Easter service and he loved singing during church. i hold him and we sing and dance together. he's not too fond of clapping yet, but we'll break him in!

dax is eating food! so far he has tried brown rice cereal, peas, butternut squash, avocado, and sweet potato. we started with the brown rice cereal and he did a great job with the spoon and getting the cereal into his tummy. the following week we tried peas. dax did not like the peas. at all. period. dax spit them out and not one ounce of peas went into his belly. however, the next thing we tried was butternut squash and he latched on to that in a serious fashion! he's been eating it ever since! he tried a bite of avocado, but he liked that about as much as he liked the peas. just yesterday he had sweet potato for the first time and he liked it almost as much as the butternut squash. he's up to eating about 2oz. of food a day. he does a pretty good job sitting in his high chair, but he is not fond of being strapped in. right now i use a pillow to wedge between his side and the high chair so we don't have to use the harness.

dax's favorite thing to do is to jump, jump, jump in his jumperoo! he'd sometimes like to hang out jumping for upwards of 40 minutes if i'd let him! his feet still don't reach the ground, but we've been using a computer laptop lap desk to boost his reach! now he spins around to play with all of the toys on the deck. he also loves his activity mat. he's got "keys" hanging from the arch that he grabs with one hand, a monkey that he grabs with another, and then a "mirror" he kicks with his feet. he'll lay there and just kick and roll around and be happy for hours!

dax's personality is settling in strong. he's inquisitive and interested. he stares intently for long periods of time - but when something he loves catches his eye he'll smile and giggle. he loves to laugh. he went to the dr. for his rashes a few weeks back and the dr. could not get over his infectious laughter. he makes people smile. the biggest thing we've noticed is how dax helps us connect with others. so many people have spoken to us (to tell us how adorable dax is) that would have never spoken to us before. we've made friends, had the door opened by a stranger, and been given friendly smiles. he's a light in our lives and we're thankful for every minute he shines.

it's been five months of 1025 diaper changes.

it's been five months of 1030 bottles for a total of 34.2 gallons.

it's been five months of cuddling, rocking, and loving on our boy.

it's been five months of the purest joy you'd ever know.

created for care - created for us

this past weekend was my visit to ga and a retreat with other adoptive moms at created for care.  the retreat focuses on sharing information between adoptive moms, providing resources, creating connections with each other and with God, and giving you some time to rest in a peaceful environment.  it took a little poking and prodding to get me to go, but i am so eternally grateful that i did.

i believe it was oprah who once said that God speaks in a whisper - and that is definitely true for me.  (at least until this weekend.)  kierstin suggested the retreat to me last year and i really dismissed it, thinking dax would be too young and it would be too expensive.  then when cherie mentioned it to me in 2012 i started to wonder why this was coming up so often.  i figured i had better look into it a little more.  after some research and listening to God - it just seemed meant to be and i decided i would go.  i secured my ticket for the retreat online and picked out my breakout seminars.  cherie and i watched for inexpensive air fare and decided to book our flights.  kierstin offered to share her hotel room with us, so now our rooms were booked as well.  it was all set.  there was no turning back.

the time between when i made all of the arrangements and when the next to last weekend in march would roll around seemed to go quickly.  before i knew it, it was time to pack my suitcase (which is always done the night before) and kiss my babies goodbye.  i was not as sad leaving for the retreat as i was once i got to ga and realized i'd just left my 4 month old baby at home.  i think the reality of it all hit me then.  still, i was with cherie and she and i chatted away.  she kept me busy and kept my mind off of it.  ellen picked us up at the hertz counter at atl and the three of us began to make the trek through atlanta's down town core and over to lake lanier.  i was thankful ellen was driving, since reading a map is not my forte.  we hopped off an exit and found a cuban place for lunch.  after some cuban coffees we were all back in the car and ready for the last leg of the trip.

we arrived to the resort just in time to check in to the hotel, sign into the retreat, pick up our nametags and itineraries, and be ushered off to our first break out session.  my first session was a class on african american haircare.  sweet baby dax does not have much hair right now, but i know (well i hope) that won't always be the case, and when he does have hair i want it to be well managed.  this class was helpful in learning techniques with cleaning, conditioning, using various oils, styling with braids, cornrows, dreads, swimming techniques, and products to use when the kiddos do get into the pool to help keep the hair from drying out.  i took good notes and got a lot of tips on products that we will try (since we never have enough product) once dax gets older.

after a dinner break we all headed to the main session in the hotel's grand ballroom.  we were welcomed with a slideshow of all of the moms and their children they'd brought home from various parts of the globe.  there were over 400 moms there mothering over 1000 adoptive children.  pretty impressive.  the main session with dr. susan hillis began by teaching us that we are perfume, we are mirrors, and we are treasure.  for some people, myself included, it was hard to hear those three things  - even though i wanted to believe them.  i practiced over the next several days, just reminding myself that - i am perfume - i am a mirror - and i am treasure.  its becoming easier to say and thereby easier to believe.

it was great to meet so many people that i'd only previously known online.  it was amazing to see how people are really as open and honest as they represent themselves to be through their blogs.  it was good to meet up and actually put a live face and personality with the blogs and stories i've heard.  everyone was so fantastically amazing!
saturday began with an early rise.  i had not slept much at all the night before.  the reality of talking to a 4 month on the phone was just not that rewarding on my end.  i just missed him terribly.  i got up very early to go to an 8am date with God.  the date with God was intended to help people reconnect with God and to listen to what he is trying to tell you - listening through a whisper - if you will.  the various stations (as part of the date) were to have you go to a prayer wall where you would pray for concerns, a painting station where you would paint what God sees you as, a sculpting station where you'd sculpt what God puts on your heart, a tent for quiet time and prayers where you'd go and sit and be still just listening to God, a gold path at the base of the cross where you'd read scripture that was speaking to you in this time, or a world map where you could physically lie on the country that holds your heart and share your prayer.  you could go to any station in the room, or you could visit them all - but you were only given 1 hour total.  i started at the prayer wall, wrote a prayer for our adoptive hopeful friends and our birthson's mom and then proceeded to pray for every prayer that was written on the wall.  after about 20 minutes at the wall i mosied on over to the tent.  it was whispering my name.

when i got to the tent i immediately found a cozy spot where i could sit and comfortably rest.  i thought this would be the perfect place for me to get answers from God.  after all, in this quiet he'd probably sway my heart one way or the other for adoption plan number two.  do we go international or do we adopt domestically or even through the foster system?  will and i have not been 100% on the same page about it, so i was ultra curious how God would weigh in.  i just sat back, closed my eyes, hung my head, emptied my heart, and listened.  when i listened i could hear my own heart asking for what i want, but nothing else was shining through.  i sat in silence.  i was pretty sad that nothing was coming.  i moved to thinking about my love of dax and my family - when there in the stillness - a light shined through my closed eyelids that made me stop and listen a little bit more closely.  when i starred into the blurry figure of light coming through my eyelids all i could begin to think of was my adopted sister beth.  (for a moment i was thinking why is beth here - is she going to help us decide which adoption we should pursue? - then the duh moment came to me and i realized this was not about me, it was about her.

beth came into our family before i was born.  all i knew of her was that at my birth she was there with her long flowing blond curls and her sweet blue eyes full of excitement for her little baby sister to be welcomed into our family.  to me - life before i was born was just unimportant.  i never concerned myself with it at all.  (well, until you had some school project that poked in to get some details to fill out a timeline or a worksheet.)  i don't recall having any conversations with our parents with regards to beth's story - her history - as to where she was born - where she spent time before coming to mom and dad - or how she processed all of it.  it was in this moment that i realized that her biology and her past was just never a concern of mine - and for that i felt great sorrow.  i thought the right thing to do, when i found out she was adopted, was just to never talk about it again - and by doing that i thought i was saying - hey - i love you just like we were born from the same womb - and that's all you want - right? 

but that was just not the right thing to do.  instead of opening up, i shut down.  even after we started plans to adopt a child of our own, i still never reached out to beth to get her take on things and ask her for advice.  i never thought about gaining insight on her perspective.  the one time i did ask her something about the adoption she just suggested (very gently) that we pursue an open adoption.  in her statement at the time, all i could think about was standing in her kitchen, some 12 years ago, and listening to her story of finding her paperwork in a mess of holes, gaps, and inconclusive information.  it was not until i was sitting under that tent that i realized the pain that she was feeling 12 years prior, and for all her years before and after that time. 

i was never there, and i don't personally feel like anyone in our family ever really was.  for me to feel like such an adoption advocate now, i felt almost two faced for letting this go on any further in our own family.  i had to text her, not get it off my chest, but just to - as quickly as possible - start some form of healing and forgiveness.  i left the date with God and rushed out of the hotel and kept walking until i found a quiet spot.  i stood there and through my tears, i texted beth and asked her to forgive me for never understanding her loss and grief in adoption - and for that matter never trying to.  it was a release of emotion and something that should have been said years prior.  we did not know then what we know now about adopted children suffering the loss of their biological heritage (but i thank God for carissa woodwyk really explaining this to me), and i never once thought how uprooting, damaging, and scary that all must have been for such a tiny young girl.  in a better understanding of the need to know your own personal history i want to do whatever i can to help her heal that wound, gather that information, and find that sense of acknowledgement and fulfillment that she so desires.

not to diminish any other portions of the retreat, but my other sessions on nurturing your marriage and domestic/foster adoption in the us were the ones i was most looking forward to.  nurturing your marriage was something i really wanted to focus on because i want to make sure that dax (and our other future children) always have two loving parents who model sacrificial love for them.  the session was open and honest and covered some delicate topics.  everything fell on listening ears and i was eager to get home and tell will about what i had learned.  we're in a good place that can only get better the more we focus on it and put into it.  the session on domestic/foster adoption was a series of stories of adoptions and foster care journeys that were told by those who had experienced them first hand.  each story was heart felt and chock full of similar experiences we'd had just recently in adopting dax.  will and i have discussed fostering children and foster to adopt programs in the past, so it was good to make a connection with someone in this arena.  this foster mommy has had over 126 children in her home!  she is by far the expert on the topic.  i left this session leaning more towards doing another domestic adoption in the future.  i don't feel that will nor myself could emotionally handle a fostering situation because we do become so attached and in love with people so quickly.  we'll sit this on the back burner for now and come back to it later.

so, even though this past weekend at created for care was a journey that i planned to take for my own self and my own child(ren), it was so much more than i could ever have imagined.  this past weekend has given me the opportunity to make things right with my sister and my parents and help us all heal from a life long journey of living in a closed adoption.  we're ultimately so thankful and grateful to God, beth, cathy, kierstin, bethany, and anyone else who suggested we move forward with an open adoption plan - and know that daxton will always know where he came from before his life "started" here in our home.

skin

who ever thought the skin of a baby would be cause for such great concern? 

little daxton who does not even possess much skin, has had more skin issues in his short 4 months than will has had his entire life.  (i leave myself out of the comparison because i have had my fair share.) 

we've gone to the dr. multiple times for cradle cap and baby acne while we found ourselves at another appointment yesterday for an unknown rash on the thigh, calf, and scalp as well as some chafing in the diaper area.  the dr. went through a gamut of products and basically deterred me from using everything we are currently using to try this new regimen.  he says that it does not appear to be the cloth diapers vs. the disposable seventh gens rubbing, but that we just need some diaper cream on the area for protection.  i cannot bring myself to use the suggested a+d diaper ointment and will continue using the burt's bees diaper ointment instead.  if that does not continue to improve i also purchased california baby diaper cream which has more zinc in it. 

he asked that we get eucerin, or some other "non baby lotion" for the thigh area, which i purchased.  i also picked up mustela stelatopia cream for eczema-prone skin, since that is what they keep saying that we're probably looking at down the line.  i feel like we have a full arsenal of products and don't want to put his baby skin into shock with so many new products, so we are trying them out slowly to see if anything will clear up these issues.  he does not seem itchy or uncomfortable, so hopefully we can get this cleared up and he will be back to smooth non-irritated skin shortly.

the dr. said to keep him dry to help with the chafing.  we were changing him about every three hours (during the day) and he never sits in a poopie pant for more than 5 minutes.  i have started changing him every two hours now, but even yesterday he soaked a diaper and sprung a leak in 1 hour and 52 minutes.  should we wake him up at night to change him?  anyone have a solution for the chaffing except diaper cream and going bigger on the diaper? 

less than a year

in a lot of ways it's completely impossible to imagine that just last year in the month of april we were attending the annual bethany seminar for adoptive hopeful parents.  while we'd filled out our initial application and were gathering things for the final, we were no wear near done or even sure of what we were about to embark on.  the path was never clear, but we just knew that in the end - some how - some day - we'd find the child that God wanted us to parent.

it was such a breathtaking conversation then to fast forward to about a month ago when we were asked to participate on the panel of adoptive parents who'd speak at this year's annual seminar.  i was shocked that we'd have the honor of participating in something so powerful and so important.  i recall many things that were spoken by the panel on the day of our seminar and i was hoping someone would connect with something we stated as part of our journey that might also lead them to adopt. 

we went to the seminar with just some bullet points in mind of things we'd like to talk about.  will and i chatted the night before about what we'd tell and what we'd rather keep private, when each other would speak, and what our signal would be if the other person needed a bail out.  will started talking first and felt comfortable and at ease holding the microphone.  he did an excellent job of conveying our story of infertility, how we got on the same page about adoption, how our hearts were opened to openness with a birth family, and how transracial adoption was never a question that crossed our minds.  we felt comfortable to speak openly and freely about our journey and where it's taken us.

it feels good to have come full circle.  being on the other side of the table, like we were last year we were scared, intimidated, fearful of the unknown, unsure of ourselves, unsure of how this would all work, worried about the finances, worried about how long we'd have to wait, worried about what we'd do to occupy ourselves, but all the while just trusting in God that this was the right way to build our family.  however, being on this side of the table was empowering, moving, broke down barriers that i thought were long gone, helped us reminisce about where we'd come from and how far we had actually come, made us reflect with thanksgiving and gladness, and made our hearts happy that we might hopefully encourage someone else to build their family through adoption too.

my oh my, what a difference a year makes.

4 months

it's been four months since daxton was born.


it's been four months since this sweet boy found his way into our lives.

it's been four months since our hearts grew exponentially with a love we never knew.
i have to jump right on in the deep end and just say some words from one of our latest america house original songs:  "my baby is the cutest baby, is the cutest baby, is the cutest baby!  my baby is the cutest baby he's the cutest baby i know!  my baby he's the cutest baby, he's the cutest baby, he's the cutest baby there is!"  now that this is over you can go back to the regularly scheduled blog entry.

daxton's new reflux medicine (prilosec) has changed his life.  he no longer has so much tummy upset and indigestion from his formula.  he's been switched over to that for about a month now, and he's also been on earth's best organic formula for about that long too.  so far we like the changes we're seeing in his behavior and comfort level.  hopefully his digestive system will continue to give him less and less stress.

daxton's getting a lot happier with his tummy time stints.  he's happy to go down on the blanket and check out all there is to see.  he'll even lay there and play for a good amount of time before he'll loose balance of one arm that sends him crashing to his left or right.  he used to get to this point and just fuss until you'd roll him over, but now he actually just contently plays stuck there on that one side.  he loves laying on blankets just babbling and talking to the stuffies and their plastic counter parts.  its cute to watch.  he loves holding his head up and has very good neck control.  we gave him a couple of go's in the bumbo seat, but his belly and back were not thick enough to get the support, so after wrapping him with blankies he seemed to like it okay, but we're hoping it will be more impressive when he's a little bit bigger.

during his 4 month photo shoot he decide to ramp his rump up into the air and start scooting like he thought he was just going to all of the sudden break out into a crawl.  i am not so sure that he was just not done with the clickety clack of the camera (or will says he was running away from leg warmers), but it was a sight to see.  i told him he was too young for crawling, so he needed to stay calm and stay put!  i need my sweet baby to stay where i left him!  he's a huge fan of spinning around in a 360 degree circle, but when he starts moving off the blanket, we better look out!

daxton loves to have something to focus on.  if he's got something better than his own two hands and ten fingers then he will be happy with whatever that item is, but if they are all he has, he will be perfectly content with those just the same.  he has a fondness now for his sophie, any sort of blanket, and an upcycled elephant.  we keep him stocked with toys when we need to be in the car for longer than 5 minutes so he can keep busy.  he's no longer a huge fan of laying there watching the world go by.  all though, we have determined at target that he is a people watcher.  his eyes would bounce from one row to the next, from one cart to the next, from one lady to the next - just soaking it all in.

his bed time is still going splendidly well.  he still goes to sleep every night right around 9:30.  he'll have prayers, a story, and get zipped up in his sleep sac with the sleep sheep going in the background.  give him his passie and he is ready to go down for sometimes 13 hours.  no complaints here!   we have learned that wearing cloth diapers helps him to sleep lots longer.  he's only ever had one accident in a cloth diaper, and he had given that diaper a run for its money.  we pray that bed time will always be a place of family, a sense of peace, a place of rest, and a loving space that will help dax recharge his batteries.

it's been four months of 864 diaper changes.

it's been four months of 869 bottles.

it's been four months of cuddling, rocking, and loving on our boy.

it's been four months of the purest joy you'd ever know.

welcome dax party

after your wedding, the next big event most girls plan in their lives is some aspect of a baby shower.  with failed pregnancies, failed matches, and a lot of waiting, we just really never thought this day would come.  but - it did.  this past saturday we were invited to head to roanoke and spend the afternoon being catered to for our "welcome dax party".  everything was a secret and we were not allowed to know any details surrounding the big event.  people had driven from as far away as pa  and western nc just to be there to meet and spend the afternoon with mr. dax.  months of planning had gone into the food selections, baking things, and even the adorable decor.  will and i had hearts overflowing with joy being surrounded by all of the family and friends that had supported our 8 year journey to find the family we've built.  it was great to celebrate and thank them for all they've done for us.

the highlights of the party were the delicious handmade chocolate truffles with baby deer adornments, the sign in station with a painting of watercolored deer and guest's thumb prints for tree leaves in the forest, the candy table with gorgeous turquoise ball glass filled with various types of candies and colorful treats, the deer cake with antlers (driven to the party all the way from asheville, nc), and as always my favorite paper straws - no party is complete without a good straw, and these were divine.

we had a great time reconnecting with old friends and their new little one.  we spent the morning chatting away and just reminiscing.  it was good to talk mom to mom with someone now.  its kind of strange, but not something i get to do too often just yet.  it was great for dax to get to spend time with friends and relatives who wished and prayed for him to join our family.  everyone wanted to hold him and give him the lovins.  we opened lots of presents and continued in the tradition of spoiling dax with everything a baby could ever need + more.

we returned home late sunday night and had to head off to our tax prepaper's office on monday afternoon to discuss how we should go about filing our taxes when we were still waiting on dax's a tin number.  husband kindly filled out all of the requested paperwork back in november of 2011 and we were told to wait patiently for up to 8 weeks.  we'd waited that, and then some and still no a tin number.  so i started calling, and calling, and calling.  finally, while we were out of town for the baby shower last weekend - they called me back and left me a voicemail.  great.  so tuesday and wednesday i spent every break i had calling and leaving more voicemails on the irs vm inbox.  apparently persistence pays off, because not only one, but two irs workers called me back in the past 48 hours to give me dax's number and apologize for the glitch in the system that prevented it from going out on time in the first place.  then, just as i was calling husband to tell him the great news about scoring the a tin number i saw an unmarked envelope in the mail box.  i opened it because it was from the courthouse.  i knew it had to be eitehr really good or really bad news.  one or the  other.  i opened the envelope and could not believe my eyes.

we received daxton's final decree - the papers state that he is legally our son forever.  i was so shocked i had to read it about 4 times to make sure i saw what i thought is saw.  then i called will and read him the papers (2 pages) word for word.  we were ecstatic!  this sweet boy is officially our son.  welcome home dax - welcome home.  we went out for a family dinner of three to celebrate, have a cheers, and enjoy a nice relaxing dinner.  we came to this same restaurant to celebrate our formal application's approval, so we thought it pretty fitting to have come full circle.

"the wait"

looking back on it now, i can see how "the wait" for daxton was tender and sweet.  you're full of anticipation, excitement, and joy filled hope.

this week i am working on making a picture slide show of "how dax found us" for his meet and greet party on saturday.  several things really got me:

1. i am so glad we took so many pictures of "the wait".  it was a time we can show dax when we were preparing for his arrival and we celebrated each hurdle we went through.
2. we really celebrated a lot.  there was the completion of his nursery, the completion of the initial paperwork, the approval for the formal application, the completion of the formal application, the completion of so many books and classes, the completion of the home study, just checking everything off of the list.
3. "the wait", while it seemed long at the time has really melted away.  i don't remember all of the sadness and longing so much as i remember the fact that "the wait" - especially the filling out of the applications - helped will and i learn more about each other and grow ever closer together.  we clung to each other during the process, the failed match, and then ultimately the unknown of meeting dax for the first time.  "the wait", while it was so terrible awful at the time was such a magically wonderful thing.

if you are going through "the wait" right now, don't stick your nose up at me or make a mean face through your computer screen.  i see you doing it right now, just to spite me.  it's so true, "the wait" is something you'll cherish one day when it's all said and done.  enjoy it, treasure it, relish in it.  it will be over before you know it.

happy belated heart's day

this past weekend we had the honour of visiting with daxton's birth mother and brother.  we met them at the local mall again and decided we'd just hang out and catch up.  we correspond weekly via email, but there's nothing like a face to face visit to show you how big the dinosaur has gotten!  we arrived right on time and sat in the main corridor looking to see if we saw "L" and "D2".  all of the sudden i heard someone calling my name.  i was looking all around (looking a fool i am sure) and did not see anyone.  then, finally coming towards me was "L" with a huge grin on her face.  she'd gotten a new hair style and i hardly recognized her.  she looked good.  she looked great.  it was great to see her smiling face and looking like she was at peace.  we gave each other a big hug and i got daxton out of the stroller so she could hold him.  she was very surprised how big he'd gotten since december!  we made our way over to a cafe table where "D2" was seated working on a puzzle.

"D2" gives bashful smiles, but smiles a lot.  he was happy to see us and anxious to get to see his brother again.  he told us all about a puzzle he was working on and what he'd been up to lately.  he wanted to help feed daxton when it was time for his bottle and did a good job helping daxton eat his supper!  he entertained us with a balloon and some stories.  he has a great personality and is so friendly and out going.  he definately has traits that we hope his little brother shares.

"L" had a present for daxton and a card for us.  it really made our heart melt.  our card said:  "love the way you look at life - love the sweet difference you make in mine."  it was good to have that validation that so many adoptive parents long for.  just some sort of confirmation that you're doing the right thing, and that she's happy with this decision.  she gave daxton a sweet little outfit with a bib and socks.  too cute!  we had a couple of things for them as well, so we all sat around the table opening gifts.  it makes us feel good to give them things that they might like - just to brighten up their day a little and let them know we were thinking of them.

the sweetest things from the visit were:
1.  when daxton's passie fell to the ground and will headed off to the restroom to wash it.  "D2" did not know he'd gotten up since he was involved with his sandwich and a balloon.  when he looked up and noticed will was gone he said:  "where'd his dad go?" (pointing to daxton).  made me so peacefully happy.  swoon.

2.  when we got back to their place to drop them off for the night, "L" insisted on hugging will and i two times.  made will over the moon ecstatic to have easy flowing conversation with her and a night capped off with hugs.  so sweet.

we're blessed to be in this open relationship where we can make sure daxton knows he's got love coming at him from every angle.  we're also blessed to be in an open relationship where we can carry on easy conversations with "L" and "D2" and just know that we can say whatever is on our mind.  we're blessed to experience things as a group and to keep them involved in the best way we can.  we're blessed to have such a wonderful extended family.

3 months

it's been three months since daxton was born.
it's been three months since this sweet boy found his way into our lives.
it's been three months since our hearts grew exponentially with a love we never knew.

daxton's personality is shining through.  he loves to giggle at our funny faces, mommy's singing (america house originals - defined as any song husband and i make up that has our own unique words), tickling, and playing pee-pie.  he has the most adorable laugh and will sometimes belly laugh so hard that he closes his eyes while he is laughing.  he has a happy disposition and loves to be around people.  he loves people and loves being the center of attention.

he's started stretching out his little fingers and just this week started to grasp hold of things.  he loves a little monkey blanket (thanks daniele) and held on to it with both hands tonight!  he pushes off with his feet and loves to kick, kick, kick!  he loves to give the floor a good stomping while he lays on his back on his play mat.  one afternoon while i was working i heard this noise, which i assumed was the dog doing something and i looked over to my side to see him stomping one foot on the floor.  he is still not a huge fan of the tummy time, but we think the acid reflux still plays a role in that.  he does not push himself up with his arms/hands yet, but he will hold the pose when placed that way.  he loves to look around and is seriously checking out everything. 

he sadly recognized the tv and computer monitor this month.  i keep his back to the tv and when he was turned around he was fixated on the screen.  this is when we knew it was imperative for daxton to have a bedtime and go night night in his own bed.  daxton now goes to bed every night at 9:30.  he gets a story time, zipped up in his sleep sac, and the little lamb set on ocean sounds and goes right to sleep.  we're all a lot more relaxed now that he has a bed time and we have some down time.  it was hard to put him in his own room, but we're glad we did it now.  each morning when i go get him from his crib he greets me with a happy smile that lights up my world.

it's been three months of 662 diaper changes.
it's been three months of 677 bottles.
it's been three months of cuddling, rocking, and loving on our boy.
it's been three months of the purest joy you'd ever know.

created for care - march retreat

with multiple people's insistence i finally re-read and re-evaluated a retreat that is going on this march in ga.  one of the sweet adoptive hopefuls we met at our bethany seminar last year is planning to attend and asked me if i'd join her!  kierstin had mentioned it to me a while back and i just had too much going on to even consider it.  however, after i read back over the website, the offerings, and re-watched the video - i knew i just had to make it happen.

so, this march i'll be heading to ga with cherie to go to the "created for care" seminar at lake lanier.  Created for Care is a retreat for adoptive hopefuls and adoptive moms who've been called into this wonderful journey.  while on the life long journey there's a great need for support, friendship, and a close connection with friends and with God.  this retreat hopes to supply women walking the journey of adoption with as many of these tools and links as possible.  i'm looking forward to an amazing weekend with friends (some i've never met in person), a wealth of resources and information to download, and a stronger connection to God and what he's calling me to do.

*photo taken from snapshot of the created for care video on youtube.

11 Random Things

Kelly over at From Empty Womb to Overflowing Heart... tagged me in a little survey. I could not resist, so here we go!

Rules
1. Post these rules
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them you've tagged them.
6. Tag up to 11 people.


My 11 Random Things:


1. I love France and I love French things. I love the look of French country homes and decor. I always love the look of linen and old woods.


2. The beach is my favorite place on earth. The waves crashing on the shore, the smell of the salt air, and the warmth of the sun are the most amazing things on the planet.


3. Our dogs are driving me insane. They've been a little jealous of Daxton's arrival. We're having lots of accidents in the house and lots of fighting between the two of them. Iliana is sick with a brain tumor and is being treated for this and some personality issues, so the sisters (dogs) are pretty much separated at all times. Having to keep them apart, work, take care of the house, and help Daxton grow can sometimes be a lot in a day.


4. I'm 2012 Yelp Elite. If you don't know what Yelp is, you probably don't care about this. However, since you see my love for food (below) you'll know how big of a deal this is to me. I grew up with my father having a food inspection job for a fast food chain (which shall remain nameless), so I was used to ordering food, photographing food, and writing reviews. It was just natural that I would end up loving to do the same.


5. I always wished I could play the violin. One year Will rented me a violin for a present. I (surprise) did not want to learn to read the music, so I never learned to play more than a few notes. I love the way they sound, the lines of the wood, and the thought of it, but I guess I am too lazy.


6. I hate bugs. I cannot stand to see them in or around our house. I hate spraying chemicals (and have not done it since Dax was here), but I am certainly researching chemical free warfare against bugs. NC is not very good at getting cold enough to kill bugs in the winter, so they just want to come inside our house. How rude!


7. I love antiques. I love old things and things with a history. Going to antique stores, auctions, and yard sales is fun. Just thinking about where these things have been and repurposing things is something I've always loved.


8. I hope to one day have a home filled with all original artwork. My aunt is an artist who has done just this. Just this past December she told me that she has over 1000 pieces of original artwork. I would rather have nothing on my walls than something that I don't love, treasure, or get some emotion from. I wanted to start Dax off right by painting a large painting for his room, and I am so glad that he'll have that to wake up to every day.


9. I love projects. I love to redecorate, paint, and do little make overs. It's fun for me to paint a wall and totally transform a space. Will used to come home from working late and I would have painted the dining room another color. He got used to the ever changing palate.


10. Some of my favorite childhood memories were building things with my dad in the garage. We'd spend hours upon hours and weeks upon weeks working on school projects like a Native American Indian Village, a 3 foot tall active volcano, or a shoe box of planets. I loved that he got so into it and how people would react to my life sized projects.


11. Third Day is my current favorite band. I LOVE them and was so excited for our December 2nd concert tickets this past winter. However, as the concert dates got closer we were contacted and told that the show was cancelled and postponed until May of 2012. Now I have to wait until May to rock out!


Kelly's 11 Random Questions For Me:


1. Favorite thing to do in your "spare" time?
Photography. I love cameras of all types and I love taking and looking at pictures. I took photography in college, but my camera was not digital and I feel like I need to take some classes to fully learn how to use my latest Canon.


2. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
Palazzo Terranova - Perugia, Italy. I loved the show Debbie Travis' Painted House. One one episode Debbie painted the rooms in a bed and breakfast in Italy. Ever since I saw the episode husband and I have dreamed of taking a trip and staying at this b&b. Of course I also want to ride bikes through a cobble stone street. I am sure we could do that there too.


3. If you could choose any dream job what would it be?
I would love to own a gift store. My mom owns a gift store and I always admired her for it. I would have white walls, white wood floors, white flowing linen curtains, and lots of colorful artisan designed home decor and gift items. Not that I have thought about that a lot or anything.


4. If you have a guilty pleasure, what is it?
Eating. I eat a lot. I eat too much. I love food. I love all kinds of food. I love to cook. I love to go out to eat. I love how food looks and taking pictures of it. Anything about food, centered around food, or focused on food is fun and pleasurable for me!


5. What has been the hardest question you've been confronted with regarding your child's adoption?
So far we have not had too many difficult questions about Daxton being a member of our family. I think the strangest thing that happened was on the second visit to meet with Dax's birth mother. We went to a local mall to meet "L". While we waited we stood by a sign with Dax in his stroller. A very odd lady came up to us and started asking us about buying toys for a two year old for Christmas. We had no suggestions, but chatted with what we could tell her about gifts for 8 and 12 year old boys. She was about to leave and mosey on when she turned back and asked us if "he" was "ours"? My husband and I both looked at each other, then looked at her, and confirmed - Yes. Yes, he is.


6. If you could meet anyone dead or alive, who would it be?
If I could "meet" anyone dead or alive I would chose to have one last meeting with my Grandma Taylor. I wish she could meet Daxton. I wish I could tell her how much I loved her and how much I miss her. She passed away unexpectedly some time ago and I don't think my family ever got over it. She was a dear sweet woman who lived with a lot of emotional pain that I was too young to understand. Now that I know what haunted her so much I just wish I could hug and love on her again.


7. Favorite restaurant?
Where do I begin? I love going out to eat, so I pretty much have a favorite restaurant of every type of food. Name a cuisine and I have a favorite location in mind. If I had to pick just one favorite restaurant it would have to be Nana's in Durham, NC. Will and I went there for our 10 year wedding anniversary and had an amazingly wonderful dinner that we'll never forget.


8. What book are you currently reading or do you want to read?
I am not a reader. I am more of a flip through a magazine and look at the pictures type gal. I will actually not even read recipes if they are too long. I hope that I can teach Daxton to love books a lot more than I do.


9. If you struggled with IF, do you ever feel that people regard your decision to adopt as a "last resort" or "second best"? If so, how do you deal with it?
I have not had anyone confront me about this topic, but I think most of my friends truly understand the journey that we went on to end up where we are now. Dealing with IF (being in the land of IF) was just a stepping stone that helped us get to this moment in time. If we had not had the miscarriages we had, the allergic reactions we had with infertility treatments, and met the people we did along our adoption journey then Daxton would not be our son. I don't think anyone can ever lessen the fact that your child is your child, regardless of how you got pregnant or came to be their parent.


10. What's to your immediate left?
Nightstand. Embarrassingly covered in too many things. Two tervis tumblers half full of water, Daxton's reflux medicine, Daxton's nail clippers, Daxton's socks, my hair brush, Target coupons, lotion, a candle, my fan, and a Putumayo cd.


11. If someone gave you 1 million dollars, how would you use it?
We'd first pay off our debt (including our home loan), purchase a car for me (since I don't have one), put money aside for Daxton's college, and then see how we could assist our families, Daxton's birthfamily, and our church. I know that amount of money seems like a lot, but I am sure it would be gone before you could blink.

11 People Tagged:


1. Cat at Cat's Litterbox
2. The Mommy at Our Red Threads
3. Melodie at Blessed Beyond Measure
4. Amy at Our Journey Together
5. Grace at Chois-R-Us
6. Tracy at Always and Forever Ours
7. Rachel at Johnathan and Rachel
8. Jonelle at Somewhere in the Middle
9. Jeny at Smiling Through the Rain
10. Rebekah at Heart Cries
11. Angel at The Voice of Adventure


11 Questions For the People I've Tagged:


1. What's your favorite way to spend a Saturday?
2. Where is your favorite vacation destination?
3. If you could only eat one food item for the rest of your life, what would it be?
4. If you could be the parent of as many children as you wanted, how many would you have?
5. What's your favorite scent, smell, or fragrance?
6. What do you have on your feet right now?
7. What's your favorite childhood memory?
8. Do you like your first name?
9. What did you want to be when you grew up?
10. What's your current favorite song?
11. Are you as close with your friends now as you were when you were younger?


No hard feelings if you've been tagged and you don't have time to participate! I'd just love to get to learn more about you and what makes you tick!

Lord, teach us how to pray

a lesson from a sermon.

"have you ever prayed for something and not gotten what you prayed for?"

have you ever thanked Jesus for NOT giving you what you asked for?

we were asked why we pray.  the general consensus was "to get stuff".  but after hearing the lesson - we see it's because we know our Father will only give us what we need.  we're praying for "YOUR" kingdom come - not "MY" kingdom come.  listening to this - i mean REALLY listening to this - hit me hard.  i have vividly haunting memories of being at work in the last bathroom stall praying to God that i was not having a miscarriage.  i prayed to God that i would do anything He wanted me to do if He would just let me keep this baby.  that was 8 years ago, but i can remember it like it was just an hour prior. at the time i could not understand why i could not have what i asked for.   i was not praying for a new car, or a house, or a new cell phone - but i was still praying for something that i wanted.  i was praying for my will to be done.  not what God wanted and knew i needed.  it hit me hard because i knew, sitting there listening to this sermon that if God had given me what i wanted then, i probably would not be Dax's mommy now.  that stirred up a wave in me that's pretty hard to digest. 

i thank Jesus that i was not given what i thought i needed in 2004, or in 2008, and thank God that He gave me Dax because he's more than i could have ever dreamed of.

two months

it's been two months since daxton was born.

it's been two months since this sweet boy found his way into our lives.

it's been two months since our hearts grew exponentially with a love we never knew.

 it's terribly difficult to believe how time has flown.  we constantly ask ourselves where our newborn baby went.  daxton is growing every day.  it seems that sometime overnight last week he sprouted out of his newborn clothes.  he seems to be stretching out.  he's still wearing size 1 diapers, but his legs, arms, and feet are too big for the footie pajamas that have become his favorites.  we packed them away this weekend and added some 0 - 3 month pajamas to his rotation.  we'll go for his two month check up tomorrow where we'll offiicially learn how much he weighs and how long he's actually gotten. will tried to weigh him at Christmas, but it was difficult to tell where he was at and we thought he was over 10lbs!

he spends more of his days awake admiring the world around him.  he seems to be having fun just soaking it all in.  he's fascinated by the birds that hang from the light fixture over the kitchen table, is very fond of the ceiling fans we have in several rooms in our house, and loves to see mommy and daddy's faces!  he's happy laying on his playmat and working his arms and legs.  he likes to be held up and using his legs to push, push, push off! 

he's showing us his personality and loves to smile, laugh, and giggle.  he loves to flash his dimples.  he's talking to us more and carrying on all sorts of conversations.  when  he wakes up from a deep sleep we call him a dinosaur.  he'll let out a roar just to let you know he's stretching into action!  he arches his back, throws his arms up over his head, and lets out a yell!  s-t-r-e-t-c-h!  when he's playing on his mat he'll coo and babble about all sorts of things.  he likes me to fill in the narratives and then he adlibs the rest.

it's been two months of adjusting to new sleep patterns, living with another person, and new routines in our lives.

it's been two months of 475 diaper changes.

it's been two months of 501 bottles.

it's been two months of cuddling, rocking, and loving on our boy.

it's been two months of the purest joy you'd ever know.