Wednesday, May 23, 2012

juggling act

what an angel.
a gift from heaven.
you quietly rest in sweet peace.
your eyes are closed - mouth slightly open.
breathing softly - ever so softly.
dreaming tender dreams.
rest - my sweet baby - rest.

with life so busily buzzing around us its sometimes hard to stop and focus on the moment.  will and i both work full time 40 + hr week jobs that keep our minds occupied at least 8 hours a day.  since i work from home i feel like daxton does a lot of alone playtime or pop-in playtime where i start something for 1 minute and then let him carry on by himself.  it's not how i imagined i'd be parenting, but its the reality of the situation.  while taking conference calls, running the nc team, answering hundreds of emails, and fielding manager inquiries, focusing your attention on a baby is a hard thing to do.  he spends lots of time on my lap with one arm around him and the other typing away, focused on excel spreadsheets and online programs.  i feel like even though i am home with him, i am missing out.  sure, he and i get to have breakfast together, we share every bottle, we have a lunch break, and i am fully with him as soon as i sign off work - but during the day my eyes, my ears, and my being are not solely devoted to him.  that's hard.  hard to swallow.  feeling inadequate is just how things are going lately and i just pray that the time i give him is enough time and that he's not suffering in any way because my head is jammed in a laptop or shoved into the receiver of a phone.

i need to give myself - and him - time each day where he is my sole focus.  its good for him, its good for me, its good for my soul.  he's brought so much meaning to our lives and i don't want him to ever feel neglected or taken for granted.  he's our pride and our raison d' etre.  he's growing up fast and i want to witness all of his milestones, encourage him, cheer him on, and help him be the best little boy he can be.  being a good parent is what i want to be successful at in my life.  i want to be a role model for him, in what i say and do.  i don't want him to ever look back and say that mommy worked too much.  i am hoping soon, very soon, that a balance will come.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

a gift

a letter from my sweet sister beth:

Get your box of tissues....

I will wait.


Ok, I was looking and looking through cards and nothing came even close to what I wanted to say to you. They were all too weak...too vanilla.

Sure I'm happy you are a Mom now but soooo much more than what it says in a card. So here goes.

My Dearest Sister,

I first and foremost are so proud to call you my sister. You are so loving, thoughtful and caring. You adore your husband and both of you have stood by each other through things that would tear most couples apart. This journey you have been on to become parents has been epic. Your faith and hope carried the two of you through. You are two of the best people I know.
Ok Yes..Mother's Day....I know but with out Will, this all would not have been now...onto just you.

I am so proud of the Mother you have become. Daxton is so lucky to have the love you give him. He is going to grow up and be so bright, fun loving and intelligent. No bright and intelligent are different things. Bright meaning in spirit. I can already see in his eyes the joy of his spirit. You bring that out in him as his Mother. Daxton may not have grown inside of you but he definitely belongs with you. He is the little one you (both) have been waiting on for so long, God's promise to you fulfilled. He rewarded your faith, and patience with this precious life, this little perfect person. The color and joyfulness you already bring to him is amazing. I know I took over 1,000 pictures of James first year, but I'm also sure you have already topped that. What wonderful memories he will be able to share in because of this. I can not wait to see him grow and change and to hear him call you Mama. The first time will be the best, and there will be no greater "Love you" than from him. Just as James is for me Daxton is, and will always be the love of your life (sorry Will). Being a Mother takes precedence over all other things, Daxton is yours to protect, love and nourish. I have no doubt Daxton will have all of this in abundance. So on this your First Mother's Day, know that the little bundle of joy you hold in your arms is who you are meant to mother. He is one very lucky little boy. I love you with all of my heart...and I again am so proud to call you Sister, and now Mother to my Nephew Daxton.


Thursday, May 10, 2012

a mother's day

mother's day.

it was previously always a day i loathed up until last year.

at about this same time last year we were in full paper trails and for the first time ever i saw light and felt hope - hope that soon, sooner than ever before i'd be someone's momma.

see, it's all i ever really wanted, all i ever genuinely prayed for - was for God to make us parents. it took a hell of a lot of convincing on our hearts, but God had it all planned out.  He knew that that mother's day would be the last morher's day that could consume such sadness. despite the hope, we still had doubts of the timing, but it all flowed smoothly together and i started to feel at ease.

and so it's on this day that we typically commemorate moms with corsages, bouquets, cards with gold seals, and freshly prepared meals that she doesn't have to prepare or clean up after, that i humbly welcome myself into this upcoming weekend and officially indoctrinate myself into those that can be and will be happy on this mother's day.  so wherever this journey finds you, may you take piece in knowing that things do get better. God can make beautiful this out of the dust, and i hope that one day (if it has not already) this day will bring happiness to you as well.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

6 months

it's been six months since daxton was born.

it's been six months since this sweet boy found his way into our lives.

it's been six months since our hearts grew exponentially with a love we never knew.

it's hard to believe that daxton is 6 months old today! 6 months! that's half a year! how did this happen! 6 months seems like such a milestone, yet i am not ready for my baby to be 6 months old! don't get me wrong - we're excited to see him grow, to watch his ever changing moves, to learn more and more about his personality every waking moment - but time needs to just slow down!

daxton is growing up fast.  he's really into trying new veggies since his beloved squash has been hard to come by.  lately he's been digging into some sweet potato with white bean, green beans with peas, and a couple fruits.  so far he's tested out prunes, mango, and apple.  right now he favors anything orange, so sweet potato and mango are some of his treasured din-dins.  he does pretty well at sitting up in his high chair, but he still gets a little lean going on to the right or left and sometimes takes a slouched back approach.  we prop him back up and then he's good to chow down.

daxton's had some firsts this month. 

he had his first trip to the beach for daddy's birthday.  he got to put his little toes into the sand and the icy cold ocean water.  he was fond of the sand, the sun, and the sound of the waves crashing - but he was not so excited about the chilling coldness of the splashing water.  we tortured him a little by plunging his toes into the crashing waves and he'd yank them back up as quick as he could.  it was cute, but we could only get away with doing it so many times.  he spent the majority of his beach weekend in full on sleeping mode.  we think its because in his room at night he has a sleep sheep that plays crashing waves - it was kind of like the beach was a giant sleep sheep.  he'd hear the waves crashing and he could not resist the sleepies!

speaking of birthday - we had daddy's birthday party.  dax and i made daddy some cupcakes, went shopping for gifts, and even dawned party hats for daddy's big day.  dax picked daddy out some socks with "crabs" on them for his little gift.  daddy loves them and has worn them twice since the party day.  he loved us singing the happy birthday song and thought that was just a hoot.  he hears it at restaurants sometimes, but there was just something fascinating about mommy singing it.  sure, i do hand motions and jumped up and down - but still - its mommy singing.

daxton went to a street festival in our town and got to see a fire truck, some kids doing performance art, and listen to live music.  he stayed awake for a long time and really enjoyed watching the kids dance.  he's fascinated by watching dancing.  his birth mom loves dancing and we hope that he'll try out some lessons when he gets older.  we certainly have no dance skills, so if he can inherit this trait maybe he could teach us some moves.

daxton also learned to flip from back to front to front to back - all the way around in a complete roll!  he surprised himself when he did it, and when i started cheering he lit up with a huge grin.  he loves to hear me make a huge deal about stuff (especially in a high pitched voice), and this was no exception.  he does pretty good at going from one side to another, but not on a regular basis.  when you put him on his stomach he is fine with it for about 15 minutes, but then he reaches his max capacity and if he cannot remember that he's supposed to flip over he'll have a mini-meltdown.  we sometimes have to end up rolling him over to rescue him from his own arm (that blocks his roll).

he'd previously discovered that he can make sound, but not to the extent that he does now.  he loves to babble, coo, and make noise.  he has a high pitched sound he recently discovered and he sounds like a little birdie when he lets that one fly.  he loves hearing himself make noise and loves to hear it on a recording.  we've taken quite a few videos on my iphone and we play them back for him so he can see and hear himself.  he watches them with a fixation like no other. 

he's a sweet boy and he loves to pet on things.  his latest love is rubbing his blanket, the button of his side snap onesie, his daddy's beard, his mommy's hair, and the doggie's face.  he looks at whatever he is petting with a sincere passion and he strokes away.  it's the cutest, sweetest, most adoring thing.

he's also pulling up when you give him your fingers and attempts to pull himself up from laying down into a sitting position.  he cannot hold himself up for more than a few seconds, but we gently lay him back down before he crashes.  he likes sitting up in the bumbo more now.  he used to get an upset tummy every time he sat up in the little chair before, but now he can sit up in the bumbo for about twenty minutes with no problem.  he seems to like being in that upright position, so hopefully soon he will be sitting up with less and less assistance!

daxton also had his first photo shoot.  we'd previously purchased a living social deal and had our family photos taken a few weeks ago.  daxton was good with the camera (he's kind of used to it), but the timing ended up being at a time of day when he was kind of sleepy.  after a little while he just had enough and we had to call it quits, but we ended up getting some good shots and we'll be posting them on the blog as soon as we get the disc!

it's been a busy 30 days!

it's been six months of 1166 diaper changes.

it's been six months of 1175 bottles for a total of 40.9 gallons.

it's been six months of cuddling, rocking, and loving on our boy.

it's been six months of the purest joy you'd ever know.