Thursday, May 11, 2017


i'm in a funk.  (insert sad emoji.)  this is certainly not uplifting, but i'm just trying to work through my feelings as of late, by being as open as possible.  adoption is hard.  as i head into this upcoming mother's day weekend i'm scared - scared of the raw emotions that keep welling up inside me.  sorry in advance for the pain and for the tears.

i'm listening, really i am.  but, i am just not sure what you're trying to tell me.  all i see is roadblock after roadblock and i'm not sure which direction to turn in.  adoption should not be this hard.  we cannot have biological children, that's understood - so when God nudged us ever so ferociously towards adoption back in 2004, we knew it was where we were headed.  yeah, it took us a while to get serious about it all, but eventually we got there.  that is why we did not think that round number two would be nearly as hard as attempt numero uno.  but it is, and in some ways it's way worse.

maybe you forget the difficult times you had in your first adoption when you're in your second because it's like labor pains and those things fade away?  right?  i don't know.  never had them, so how can i even know.  but i honestly do not recall the process to adopt daxton being this terrible.  yes, the failed match was one of the worst times of my life, but outside of that it was all very smooth and uneventful with a minor wait (a blip on the radar) resulting in a perfect match for our little family to grow from two to three members.  but, the process to get from three to four seems impossible.

how is it that i see so many people with more than one child, even more than one adopted child and we are struggling so very hard to make this growth happen? what should we be doing that we're not?  i'm back to seeing pregnant moms and not being happy for them anymore.  i'm resentful, hardened and messy.  people joke about their kids being "annoying" or "bothering them" and i cannot even find it funny.  you say you'd like to spend your mother's day alone with some peace and quiet - not me.  i'd rather be dealing with a crying baby, changing it's diapers, and telling dax to keep his hands off of the electronics.  you see, we long to grow our family, and have for some time, and it's so hard when it is all completely 100% out of your control.   

it's been so hard to know that we've received zero interest in our profile since we started this second journey to adopt.  not one expectant mom has had the desire to even speak to us to ask us any questions or get to know us.  it makes you feel so rejected, unwanted and so vulnerable.  what is it about us that makes us appear so unworthy?  something we've said, how we look, we're too old, not physically fit enough, or is it something else?  recently i've seen lots of posts about expectant moms who only want to work with adoptive families who have no other children.  well, we do have a child, so now what?  who knows.  since the infant placement is seeming so overwhelmingly impossible, i started looking into older children for adoption.  i recently inquired about a four year old on a second chance adoption site, but was told that since we had a five year old in our home we didn't qualify because they wanted no children in the home younger than the age of ten.  i'd fallen in love with that girl.  there was just something about her, that i locked right in on and i was devastated when we were turned down.  i cried all night.  i  previously inquired about other older children and was told that since we have a five year old in the home we didn't qualify to adopt out of birth order.  okay, so we cannot find a match for an infant and we cannot adopt an older child, so what are we to do?  we feel so stuck.

none of this makes any sense.  we're locked in with two agencies, we're marketing ourselves as best we can with pass around cards, online message boards, facebook groups, and trying to sell ourselves any way we know how, but we're getting no where.   is God trying to tell us that one is enough?  leave the other children for someone else?  they're for another family?  we're just supposed to be the parents to dax and that is how the story goes?  that's hard to fathom.  not a week goes by where dax does not ask about his sibling - when are they coming?  - when can they play?  - will it be a boy or a girl? -  he'd make an awesome big brother, but - and maybe this is the hardest thing for me to imagine is how nobody wants dax to be their baby's big brother?  i just cannot wrap my head around it.

but, i just have to stop going there.  i'm not giving up.  we're not giving up.  we're ordering more pass around cards because with everyone's help, nearly 1000 have already been passed out!  that's amazing!  (if anyone else can help us pass around cards, please just message me your address and i'll get you some in the mail when i get my new order. - )  our online profile book with quiver full is being created shortly and we're keeping our little facebook page maintained with the happenings of what's going on in our world.  we know that this is all in God's perfect timing and one day things will all make sense, but it's hard.  we're human and we cannot see into the future.  the wait is so, so hard.  my heart just longs to have another little one to love and a sibling for dax to call brother or sister.  so, we pray.  we pray that these roadblocks are just stumbling blocks in the path, just little hiccups, but they're not meant to derail us.  we pray they are there just to keep us focused on Christ in every second of this search and wait.  we pray that there is an expectant mom out there that's looking for a situation like ours - a home with a funny, quirky, loving, giving, spirited, Christ centered family that's looking to grow by one; and we pray that she'll find us - right here waiting.

"until God opens the door, praise him in the hallway."

Thursday, April 6, 2017

the long part: the waiting & the carrying on

in december we applied for a potential adoption situation coming out of florida.  completing the attorney's paperwork, gathering up all of the required documents, and printing out some photographs of our family to include got our hearts re-energized with the possibility that a baby could one day join our family of three.  clearly we didn't get selected to parent that sweet baby girl, but it has opened another door.

it's not that we'd forgotten about the possibility or that we'd lost hope, but we'd honestly become resigned to the fact that this was going to continue to take a very long time.  while online i saw an ad for an adoption agency - quiver full.  the more i read, the more interested i became in what they had to offer.  after some prayerful consideration will and i decided we'd reach out to them for more information.  they set up a call and answered our questions about self-matching and the marketing strategies that they feel best help to connect their adoptive hopefuls and expectant parents.  we really thought this could be a good fit for our continued search.

because we're already working with bethany christian services we needed to be up front with them and let them know that we'd like to work with another agency.  we hated to loose the fees we'd paid up to this point and did not want to damage our strong relationships with them, but we'd seen no interest in the past (almost) two years and felt things growing stale.  to our surprise bethany reached back out to our communication and graciously allowed us to carry on working with them while we also attempt to self match with quiver full.  we were elated at the thought that we'd have some assistance in better marketing ourselves.

as of march 30th we became an active family with quiver full.  their strategy includes a facebook page in which we can provide further details about our lives and how we live on the day to day.  by sharing this page with our friends, and our friends sharing it with their friends, etc. it is hoped that it will create a web of people and that within these shares we'll end up reaching out to an expectant mother who could be considering an adoption plan for her unborn baby.  it really is all in the hands of God, but we know that this networking is part of his divine plan.  everywhere we look we're seeing arrows and they were pointing us right to quiver full!  it just feels right and we know that even while we wait (and it seems like we wait and wait and wait) He is in control and that the right baby will someday join our family.

right now they'd like us to reach 1,000 likes on our facebook page by the end of the month.  that really seems daunting, but if you'd be so kind to give us a like and share, we'd greatly appreciate it.  you never know who knows somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody.


the work with quiver full also includes more online marketing in the form of ads, as well as a website, an online profile book, and connections in another state.  we are still in the process of pulling all of our profile book information from a hard copy into the online template, but hope to have that completed soon.  for now we just have a static page, but that site is:

we thank everyone for continuing to pray for our family as we wait.  we're enjoying every second of dax being an only child.  he's the best little fella anyone could ever imagine and he's going to be a fantastic big brother to a little sibling one day.  he still prays for this little one all the time and he even hangs out in their room.  he longs to have a sibling as much as we desire to add another little one but, while it's hard and the wait seems so incredibly long, we wait with a renewed hope and trust in God that He is laying this path exactly as it should be constructed.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

the catch up game

shame on us.  it's been a very long while since we've shared anything with the blog world.  absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? 

to get caught up i am going to have to break it down into a little list.  y'all, we've been busy!
  • went to conference in new york for work.  it was a long 72 hours!
  • surprised sweet boy with a trip to disney world for his fifth birthday.  we felt like it was the right age to go and experience the magic and hopefully be able to handle all of the long days of walking!  we'd been telling him all year long that if he saved his money we'd try and go to disney world.  well, he saved every cent he got his hands on and we cashed in all of my starwood points and a lot of our delta skymiles to earn us as free of a trip to disney as we could score.  (highly recommend staying at the swan hotel.  stayed there on points and loved every second.)  we had a surprise party for dax on a friday night and told him at the party that we were boarding a plane for florida the next morning.  pulling this off was a huge feat, but we did it and we had the trip of our lives.  would not change one single second of it.  we had fantastic weather, a relaxing time by the pool, beautifully fun days at all of the parks, and a super happy and cooperative little fella.  daxton still talks about it two months later and is ready to go back!  
  • for thanksgiving we headed to adri's folks and then to adri's uncle's house for turkey day.  it was great to spend the day with all of the littles and get to spend time with that side of the family.  we always have a great time and the scenery is amazing at the lake!
  • daxton had lots of performances!  my favorite was his hip hop dance performance where he really put on the show with his personality!  it was amazing to watch him and his little friends do their routine!  our boy did an unbelievable job and we were so proud!
  • for Christmas this year we celebrated at home with will's folks.  it was great to not have to be traveling and spending time on the roads.  i'd been away from home for the entire month of november and it was good to be home!  we had a very laid back Christmas with lots of cooking, eating, church, light tours, games, and movies.  it was a very relaxing and wonderful time!
  • for new years we traveled back to roanoke to celebrate with adri's side of the family.  it was amazing to have everyone at one event to ring in the new year.  we all got dressed up in our fanciest clothes and enjoyed dinner and dancing together.  what a wonderful way to celebrate!  (even daxton stayed up until 2am!  sorry to the baby sitter!)
  • 2017 has started out with some more gas in our tank in pursuing our second adoption.  we really feel like the last 18 months of waiting has been kind of a waste of time and don't want to be in this same place 18 more months down the road.  we never imagined we'd wait this long.  in the midst of all of the above, our homestudy had to be renewed in december and we hope that will be the last time we're doing that for this situation.  we are going to create more of an online presence with our profile and work on some marketing.  we hope this will boost our chances of finding a potential situation.  dax really longs for a sibling and we cannot wait to continue to grow our family.  
dax had a wonderful time with all of the rides, meet and greets, parades, shows, and performances!
the four cousins with great granny
the covey, taylor, mutispaugh, ryder, rolf, white families!
daxton on the night of his hip hop dance recital
dax had a speaking part in this year's christmas musical at preschool.  we were so proud of this big boy on stage!
daxton loves this cereal, so he got it for a gift from santa.
we had one winter storm that kept us trapped in our neighborhood for about a week.  it was just the right amount of winter weather and we're thankful to be back in the sixties now!

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

pumpkin patch 2016

we took our annual trek to the pumpkin patch this past weekend.  this time we tried out a different farm just to have a new experience.  instead of heading to hillridge farms we struck out a path to vollmer farms.  we'd gone to vollmer back this spring to pick strawberries and love that they're all organic.  we were not sure what to expect around the pumpkin patch, but we were very happy with our afternoon there!

of course i made dax pose for about a billion photos, but he obliged pretty well knowing that some amazing fun was on the horizon.  sweet dax didn't disappoint in showing his personality in these pictures.  love him.

this.  is.  dax.
after photos dax got to pick where he wanted to head first.  he checked out the live animals and got to meet a donkey, some baby chicks, and some bunnies.  after the animals he headed over to a zip line contraption that allowed him to plummet in a sawed out barrel straight down a zip line.  unfortunately i miscalculated the swing at the end of the zip line (as the previous daddy was not really letting his kids experience the full joy of the zip line) and so i stood a little too close for pictures.  before i knew what was happening dax was barreling down the zip line straight towards me.  luckily i protected the camera with my left forearm, but dang - five days later and it still hurts!  after the zip line dax moved over to ride the crazy cow train.  this was a tractor pulling more of those sawed out barrels that were turned into seats for the kiddos.  the driver made this extremely fun turning rapid left, right and zigging/zagging all over the place.  the kids were screaming with hilarious giggles as they made their way all across the back part of the farm.  once the ride was over dax wanted to go on the giant slide that is built into the side of the mountain.  he grabbed a burlap sack and headed for the top of the mountain.  will stayed up top to keep eye out and i hung out at the bottom to see him come squealing with laughter as he shot out of the tunnel like a rocket!  he must have done this slide about 20 times!

when the sun started setting i told dax he better go check out everything else they had to offer and we headed towards the giant bouncy pillow.  dax saw the giant pillow and immediately began stripping out of his shoes and socks, leaving a trail behind him as he made his way up the pillow.  i think he could have jumped on this thing for a straight day if we'd let him.  we allowed him about an hour of jumping and only made him move on so he could see everything else there was to see before we needed to head back home.  this, however - was his favorite thing at the pumpkin patch!

after the bouncy pillow we took a quick trip through the corn maze.  dax was pretty bored by this and quickly wanted to move on.  next we headed to the pumpkin launch.  it was like a giant catapult king, which is one of his favorite games on the ipad.  all three of us lined up to see who could hit the pumpkins with the baseball sling shots.  daddy definitely had better skills than dax and i had at this game!  after quite a few rounds we let dax have some fun in the corn bin.  he loved laying in the corn, rolling in the corn, putting the corn all over himself, and managed to get corn in his socks, pockets, and underpants!  corn for everyone!  last but not least, we took a hayride back to the pumpkin patch, picked out a pumpkin, and loaded up in the car.  it was an awesome afternoon, and we were all tired (from trimming bushes earlier in the day and this in the afternoon, which in hindsight was just too much for one day - but we were short on october weekends!) and ready for bed!

all in all, we loved vollmer farms so much more than hillridge.  it was not crowded or over stimulating.  dax had an amazing time and we cannot wait to go back next fall!

Thursday, October 13, 2016

falling off the radar

we've been busy lately.  summer ended, life took hold and there was zero time for blogging.  however, we're thankful fall has finally arrived, we have to wear shoes that aren't sandals/flip flops, and everything is pumpkin flavored.  take a deep breath, and time is settling a bit before everything ramps up for the holidays.

spring and summer were rough with the passing of the dogs.  we miss them every day, but we know they are where they needed to be.  our sweet old girls both lived amazing long lives and brought us much joy and laughter.  the end was hard, i won't lie - and we ended up having to put their extreme level of discomfort and the lack of ability for dr.s to perform operations to alleviate any issues above our desires to keep them here suffering on this planet.  despite it being the right thing, it was a terribly sad time and i still cry about it often.

we're having to update our homestudy on halloween.  it's kind of interesting to me because we received the call to meet with daxton's birthmother on halloween of 2011.  we honestly never thought we'd be waiting on our second adoption so long and even after updating our profile books this summer, we still did not think we'd make it to the dreaded homestudy update phase.  sigh, but here we are.  dax goes through phases where he asks "why is it taking so long?" because he is ready for "his baby" to be here.  he's ready to have someone to play with and someone to share things with.  he plays in the nursery often, and loves pulling out baby toys.

daxton's schedule is busy, but he loves being on the go.  he goes to preschool m - th (half days) and then has an activity every night, except mondays.  every day he asks me "what are we doing today?"  tuesdays he has gymnastics which he LOVES and has been doing for over a year.  wednesday nights are awana and he's in the cubbie class.  he loves being with his friends and he does a really good job memorizing his verses.  thursday night activities are new, and for the past three weeks he's been taking hip hop dance lessons.  it's the cutest thing i've ever seen.  dax loves dancing.  he creates his own moves, mostly some form of pop and lock and break dancing, all incorporated with a strange eye roll and head shake.  (all of his dancing really started with the movie "home" and he loves to "wave his hands in the air like he just does not care".)  dance class gives him a chance to learn some "real" moves and we cannot wait to see it all come together.  will wanted to have him pick between gymnastics and hip hop, but dax said he loved both, so will's given in - at least through the holidays.  friday nights are for soccer practice and then games are on saturday mornings.  dax loves soccer and he's pretty good at it.  his only set back is understanding that while you play against your team at practice, you play with them at the game.  that shift is pretty complicated for him and he sometimes gets upset when his teammates get the ball or even score a goal!  he'll get it soon though!

will and i celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary on the 18th of august.  when we were first married we said we'd take a trip back to hawaii (where we went on our honeymoon) to celebrate the 15th, but we didn't make it.  life changed and our priorities shifted to using all of our airline miles and hotel points to take dax to disney world for his 5th birthday.  the surprise party and trip reveal are coming up soon and we can hardly wait to blow daxton's mind!  in lieu of the romantic trip we settled for a romantic dinner to a five star restaurant i've wanted to go to forever.  it was perfect in every way and we were thankful for auntie conti and uncle keek watching dax for the night so we didn't have to worry about getting home late and we could sleep in the following morning! 

hopefully we'll have something exciting on the horizon to share sooner rather than later, but until then it's just business as usual at the white house!