iliana has been fighting a long battle. last night she endured her worst seizure ever. at one point i asked will if she was dying. neither one of us was sure. we called conti and she rushed over to watch dax sleep while we took iliana to the doggy er. the doctor there confirmed she was stable at the moment, but anything could change at any time. we knew we needed to watch for signs of heart failure and the doctor could not confirm that this was a seizure and thought it could have possibly been cardiac fainting, since her heart raced and raced for twenty minutes after it was over. will and i knew when we headed to the vet we'd likely not be bringing her home, so we were sort of surprised when she stabilized and was able to come home one last time.
this morning we woke up and noticed (from her bed wetting) that she must have had several other "events" throughout the night. she wasn't herself today. she was lethargic. she could not stand. she could not hold her head up. we let her sleep. once she finally did try to wake she barely stood and then peed all over the bed. after that, she collapsed. i stripped the bed and loaded the washer, but kept her in my arms. i told my work that i was going to need to take the rest of the day off. i knew the time had come. will and i both agreed we needed to call to make "the appointment". we made the phone call and i started to wrap up work when will found some paperwork i was given back in november of last year about "laps of love". this service has doctors come out to your home to help your pet move on to heaven. we immediately called them and they said we could have someone out this evening. after chatting through the options we booked them and called to cancel the other appointment. then, the clock started ticking.
every second that passes you think you've made the wrong decision. but, every time i looked at her face i knew she was not the same dog that we've loved for so long. she was fighting hard, but the battle was taking over and she just could not fight it anymore. i sat with her all afternoon. i petted her, felt her soft ears, petted her cheeks, admired her whiskers and her eyebrows and her spotted fur. dax petted her, kissed her, and sang her lullabies. daddy held her, rocked her, and talked to her. we all took turns saying good bye the best way we knew how. by afternoon she still was not able to do more than lift her head. i had to hold her up to go potty outside and just let her bask in the sun and feel the breeze in her fur. she never even took one drink of water or searched for one bite of food today (which if you know her, is very out of character). she was fading.
conti came over to be with dax. she planned on swooping him out for some distractions while mommy and daddy worked with the doctor.
the doorbell rang. my heart sank. we knew this was it. the doctor came in. we told dax to say goodbye to the doggy, that she was going to meet Jesus. (we chatted with him earlier about it and explained it all the best way you should tell a four year old...) he gave her a kiss and told "yaya" goodbye and off they went. we talked to the doctor and told her we'd like to do it outside since illy loved the warmth of sunshine and breeze. we all headed out back and sat down with the sweet girl while the doctor did what she had to. she was very gentle and let me hold illy's head and cradle her while we said goodbye. she left us. we cried. we sobbed. we're still sobbing now. but, she's gone. she's at peace. i hope she knows we did all we could to keep her comfortable and happy and to prolong her life as long as we possibly could. it's going to take time to heal, and we're cherishing every memory as we walk down this path.
illy - i love you.
i love how you lick my hands, legs, and feet uncontrollably.
i love how you let me hold you like a kitty cat.
i love how you rub your face while walking around upholstered furniture.
i love how you love to bask in the sun and feel the wind.
i love how you bat your eyelashes.
i love how you circle, and circle, and circle to get comfortable.
i love how you snuggle up with us when you sleep.
i love how you love to eat, just like momma.
i love how you love me rubbing your ears. you'd vocalize just how great it was.
i love how your spots made you look like our little cow.
i love how you were always sad if i cried. you loved to kiss away the tears.
i love how you never took crap from anyone and you always stood up for yourself.
i love how sometimes you snarled at me and showed me your teeth, but you always apologized by licking later.
i love how you scratch the side of the bed to be picked up about 15 times each night.
i love how you terrorized eligh.
i love all of your nicknames: illy, donny, yaya, lana, iwiiana, illy fo shilly, lanalana ding dong, yana fo shanna, phil donahue - etc.
i love how you snore like daddy when you are getting really good sleep.
i love how you cracked us up. one time you ate the cap off a huge bottle of lotion to get the contents out.
i love how you used to devour your chew chin sticks. we used to spend $20 a week on your habit.
i love how you fought so hard through cushings, tumors, pancreatitis, ripped out nail beds, broken teeth, fights with your sister, and seizures - but you never gave up.
you will be greatly missed.