Tuesday, January 25, 2011

some happies

this photo was taken in june of 2008. 

it was the second time we found out that we were pregnant.  we took a million tests, all of which confirmed the same thing, and we were so giddy happy we could not hardly contain ourselves.

we feel this exact same way right now.

we just got word from Bethany today that our initial application was processed!  with this approval into the portal came a list of what is next - YAHOO!  and we can now begin gathering data to fill out our formal application.  we could not be happier!

the latest email says that "our" social worker will be reaching out to us to discuss our next steps.  (don't you just like the sound of that?)  we're so excited to be in this phase of the process!  we are floating on air!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

wrapped in the warmth

this thursday's small group and this weekend have given us time to share what we're going through, where we're at, and where we're headed.  in sharing we got a lot off our chests - a lot of things we've been keeping inside so we did not have to bombard our church family with constant uncertainty in the process we've embarked upon. 

we know we're supposed to be on this adoption journey to build our family through adoption - God did get us that far, but we've never received any confirmation that this path, the path of working with an agency, working with this agency, was the route that was meant to build our family.  when you get pregnant you know that you're having a baby, you know that God has temporarily gifted you this soul growing inside you to build your family, and you just know that this is the path for you.  we've just felt something is missing from the certainty with the length of time it's taken to receive the approval from the initial application.

questions still linger about if we'll be approved.  will the agency be able to work with us despite medical conditions we have?  will the issues that prevented us from being pregnant in the first place also be the stumbling blocks to building our family through adoption through this agency?  only time will tell.  i think the longer the wait of this "doubted" approval has taken the more it's made us question our worthiness.

however, after long conversations this weekend husband and i refocused on the fact that even if we are not approved with this agency it does not mean that we still can't adopt.  it's possible to still work with another agency to complete an international adoption, or to work with the foster care system in the state of north carolina.  we just know that in the end, no matter how hard we have to work, how much paperwork we fill out, how long we have to wait, how twisted the path becomes - we will be parents.

"Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy."

— Elizabeth Gilbert

this week we've been feeling the love and warmth of each other, that of our friends, and that of our families.  a dear friend at church knitted our baby a beautiful crisp white baby blanket and two adorably comfy hats.  the warmth of these items reminds us how incredibly warm we've felt in the recent sharing of this amazingly emotionally chaotic journey with friends and family.  we know that all of these wonderfully caring people support us on this journey and we need to continue to allow them the joy in the blessing of helping us along our path, no matter how long it may be, and to continue to keep the faith in knowing that it is God that lead us to this point, and God that will see us through.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

baby steps

we're just making baby steps.  another email, hopefully the last email, was received this afternoon for one more letter confirming will's recovery from the decompression surgery.  we're typing this up tonight to get this back into the email to the agency, and hopefully this will get us past all of the requirements for the initial application. 

our steps are tiny through this process when i am used to taking huge strides.  friends used to always tell me that i needed to slow down, not walk so quickly, not to take such large steps.  however, towering just shy of 6' tall my legs are long and my strides are big.  it's been hard for me to get to the point where i can just take the tiny baby steps that we've been given.

things happen for a reason.  we know this.  i just sometimes wish i could fast forward to the future, see the reason for all of the hang ups, and then rewind and happily sit and wait.  unfortunately (or fortunately depending upon how you look at it), things do not work this way.  the reason for all of this will be revealed to us in time and we know and understand this. 

i think the thing that makes this all so difficult for me is that i thought we were being so super diligent when we mailed in our paperwork on december 1st, that i just never dreamed there would be all of this back and forth.  47 days later we're no further along, and that's just hard for me to digest.  the progress we've made seems so marginal in the grand scheme of things.  however, i know that it takes all of these steps, even the tiniest of baby steps to get us where we need to go.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

this is the now

last night was date night in wake forest. 

we were worried that our baby girl dog, iliana, was going to thwart our date night plans as she presented with some strange happenings around 1:30 in the afternoon.  she had me worried and i scheduled a vet appointment for 4:15.  i was worried we would not get out of the place until after 7.  they can take a very long time.  however, we got there a few minutes early and by 4:20 we had a diagnosis.  seems she had severely impacted glands.  we get their glands expressed every 4 weeks, but the doc said we may have to now go to every 2 weeks.  crisis averted!  iliana was much better, and we were on our way back home for date night!

every second friday is art after hours in our small town.  all of the artists come out to show off their paintings, photography, musical skills, and all of the stores stay open late for some shopping (just in case that is how you express yourself). 

we had to go to this month's AAH because my all time favorite local musician was in town for a show at the local coffee shop.  arielle bryant was back in town to grace everyone with the ethereal sounds of her latest hits, and some of our old favorites.  Arielle Bryant  she did not disappoint.  she is so raw, so true, so real, and makes me remember that whatever you feel, you need to get it out. 

for a while i've been bottling things up, and that is just not healthy to do.  her song "mother, mother nature" really spoke to me last night.  the first verse (and a bit of the next) says: 

"been traveling long
been traveling wide
it's been long and lonely sometimes
but i keep my eyes on the prize
fight the good fight
but mother, mother nature
won't you please fill me in
i'm so tired of waiting for my life to begin
keep wanting things i haven't got"

sometimes if a song hits me all i just want to do is cry, but this time i was just happy knowing that i've rounded the corner with recognizing i need to focus on the now, while still working towards the goal.  we jammed out a bit and talked about how old we felt.  we were in a coffee shop surrounded by people that we could be the parents of.  everyone was about 16, and they were all having so much fun.  reminded us both what it was like to be a silly teenager, and how parent-like we really are now.  to me, this was a good thing.

after the show we headed to a local restaurant for some dinner.  husband picked a seafood restaurant named "shuckers" and we feasted on some oysters, and both had a smattering of seafood on our dinner plates.  we had a great conversation and so enjoyed the quiet (although music filled night) hanging out together.

date:  no babysitter required

as an aside - husband has a long time joke about red velvet cake.  he told me over a year ago that it was my mom's favorite cake.  i thought he was dead serious, so i had to call her and ask, and she had no clue what he was talking about.  so, its been a huge joke ever since then.  well, turns out that he has never even had red velvet cake.  while i was in tx visiting a goody good friend last october i saw it on the menu and had to order it, just out of principal for the joke to continue.  so, last night they had red velvet cake at the coffee shop and will just had to have a piece.  he declared that it did indeed taste like chocolate.

oh yeah!  got my mitts on some red velvet cake!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

looking out the window

"can't hardly wait" is the title of an article in the latest issue of real simple magazine by lucinda rosenfeld.  

admittedly, as you already know - i am not a reader.  sure, i get southern living and the real simple magazines delivered to my mailbox each month, i admire every single photograph, love the room makeovers, drool over the food, take the tips, but rarely ever read a full article.

this article had me at the title, and i skipped to the end and saw that the entire thing was just one page, so i knew i could hold my waning attention.  the article found me at a good time.  with three friends on facebook giving birth on 1/11/11, and one of my all time sweetest friends on the planet announcing her pregnancy, i needed to still focus on my impatience.  

very happy that others have not had the struggles we've had in conceiving, and that they have sweet babies to hold now, and babies growing inside them, but needing to focus on the fact i "need to embrace the present" and stop attempting to rush the process of our paperwork and the future arrival of our match.

the dr. we've been waiting on confirmed that she is mailing the letter that Bethany needs today, and that makes me feel good - just to know we've completed that chapter, and the ball is in their court.  we thought we'd be going to a seminar next, but learning that we'd next be granted access to the "online portal" leaves us wondering even further about what is next.  however, this time i'm okay with that.  we'll cross that bridge when we get there.    

today we're just savoring these moments together.  these moments are free of paperwork, free of responsibility for another human being's life, free of worry over diapers or formula or getting enough sleep.  sure - we cannot wait for all of those things, but for now we'll be happy with what we have.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

goody goods

we got a goody good news e-mail on friday. 

Bethany finally got the phone call from the dr. that they'd been waiting to hear from and that she's sending a letter to them shortly.  Bethany confirms that once they receive that letter they'll resubmit our initial application to the director (which our contact added should be approved without issue) and then we'll be given access to their online portal to add our formal application.  being a planner, it was great to have some sort of idea about what will happen next.  sending up prayers that this dr. will get the paper work in quickly and that we'll be into the portal shortly.

my other goody goods lately have to be my sweet pups.  don't see them here in this photo?  they've been like waldo this week.

the pups have been taking advantage of the newly cleaned and organized office closet, as well as learning to cuddle in this winter's chill.  on thursday amelia decided she'd hide out under daddy's storage shelf between an old flat panel monitor and a key board.  however, by friday the sisters both learned to cuddle up in the middle of the office floor under a blanket. 

all of these goody goods made me smile.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


patience is a virtue.
patience is a gift from God.
patience is trusting in the Lord.

some people know just what you need.  one of my sweet sisters recently sent me this adorable card.  she hears me grump about things taking too long, the process being slow before it has even begun, and the fact that my patience has worn thin.  this little turtle reminds me that it's slow and steady that wins the race.

to distract myself i've been working on some projects.  last week i emptied the former craft closet and moved everything upstairs to the office.  the office closet was also full of mess, so that had to be cleared too.  i got some things  we have not used in a while ready to go to goodwill, got the necessary craft and computer items organized in the office closet, and the keepsakes stowed away in the attic.  this left us with a pretty good storage area for sweet darling deer's belongings, which we are steadily accumulating!

when i lose track of the importance of the wait i head back to the closet and spy on that little turtle in there.  he makes me smile and keeps me focused on the initial laps being as important as the end of the race.

i emailed bethany again today to ask if they could resend the letter to a doctor they were waiting to hear from since the doctor has not yet received the medical release form bethany is seeking.  i left messages/emails for both parties, so we hope they will finally get everything they need to move us on to stage number two.

now we resume the wait!