the search - searching for bliss - all necessary

we've got to back way up to start at the beginning to fill you in on all that has transpired.

on the night of may 23rd we were contacted by a sweet lil momma in louisiana.  one of her contacts had found a pass around card that my sister placed in a new orleans hotel and shared our information with her.  she'd been following our facebook page for a week and finally decided to reach out.  we hit it off and ended up chatting with each other for about 5 hours.  things sounded good and we found hope again.

the morning of the 24th of may started out as any normal day and i got a couple calls on my cell phone that were from unidentified numbers.  i did not think too much of it until one left a voicemail message.  the message asked us to call our social worker from bethany.  still, i did not get too excited since we've previously been called three times (during the wait) to see if we'd be speakers on adoptive parent panels etc.  i called her back.  she said "we have a placement" - "twin boys were born" and we'd been selected to parent.  i immediately said yes.  (i have no clue what i was thinking, but i said yes.)  i imed will on his trillian account and hoped he was in agreement with my thought process.  his primary answer was yes as well, but he did have doubts and concerns about paying double placement fees!  we chatted through it and decided it was a go.  they asked us to come to the city where the babies were born on the 27th.

my big boy graduating from woodland preschool.

on the 25th of may we attended dax's preschool graduation.  he was perfect in every way.  while on the stage in his cap and gown they asked what would you like to be when you grow up?  some kids said they wanted to be "astronauts", "mermaids", "race car drivers", etc. - however our child said he wanted to be "the boss".  the room erupted with laughter and i could not contain myself!  how perfect, and what an excellent goal!  after the hilarity of the morning we headed into the fellowship hall where i was approached by a lady who said she too had been following our facebook page and had someone that she would like to refer to us who was seeking an adoption plan.  insert glazed eyes.  seriously y'all - four babies in three days.

friday the 26th we shopped.  we gathered two of everything.  we got car seats, bottles, formula, passies, onesies, blankets, everything we could think of and we (along with my parents who were here for graduation who now got roped into going out of town with us to watch dax while we adopted the twins) loaded up the cars.  we headed out on saturday the 27th, three hours from home and got everyone checked into their hotel.  dax was eager to bounce on a bouncy house across the street and to go swimming in the indoor pool.  we dropped off our bags and headed to the hospital.  the mother had signed her revocation papers earlier in the morning.

so excited for those paw patrol bouncy houses!

we were nervous and excited.  we prayed together on the top level of the parking garage.  we entered the hospital and waited anxiously for the social worker.   she said she'd know us when she saw us, as we'd be the nervous looking folks!  we met her and connected and went up to the mother's hospital room.  we chatted and quickly got comfortable.  we talked about everything we could think of and everyone seemed to feel at ease.  there were many things we had in common and we chatted about the similarities.  we were shown pictures of the boys from a cell phone and told we could come back on monday to meet them in the nicu.  when we left we talked with the social worker and told her how comfortable we felt.  she remarked that the mother had talked more than she ever previously had in their meetings and she too felt things went well.

feeling great after our visit with the sweet momma.

sunday the 28th we hung out.  we swam in the pool, spent time with my older sister as she'd also driven down to give support, we just anxiously awaited our meeting for the following day.  i kept attempting to connect with the contact from dax's preschool and finally caught up with them to inform them of what was going on.  i was able to steer them to locate an agency in the state the birth mother was in so that they could pursue an open relationship, since that is what they were seeking.  we referred them to quiver full and prayed that peace would fall over that momma.  i emailed our friend in louisiana and attempted to connect with her, but was unsucessful.  we did not want to leave anyone hanging, despite the fear of turning everyone else away and the possibility we'd be left with nothing.

good times with our big boy.

working on swimming.

nani and her new swim bag on the hotel patio.

my sweet family

the day before the big meeting.

monday the 29th we were supposed to go to the hospital at 9:30am.  earlier in the morning we received a text to wait and come later.  we sat nervously and watched a hundred episodes of property brothers and beach front bargain hunt.  tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.  we texted back to see if we should come around 12:30.  we were again told to wait.  my heart sank.  i just knew something was not right.  minutes seemed like hours.  finally, i could not take it any longer.  at 3:30 i texted again and then received a phone call from the director of the local office.  

these weren't our babies.  
we were not their parents.  
they'd go home with their birth family.  

we were happy for them, but we were wrecked.  we'd told dax.  why did we tell dax?  he was so excited.  how were we going to tell him and break his little heart?  i cried for hours.  will cried for hours.  we just laid in the bed until we couldn't anymore and we decided to go watch dax in the pool with grans.  there we watched dax tell a boy in the pool that he was going to have TWO new brothers.  my heart broke a little more.  soon we'd have to share with him what we knew.

he was so happy.  he didn't know what we knew.

 tuesday the 30th  we had to pack up and head home.  once we'd packed our bags and began loading the car i crouched down to dax's eye level and informed him that the brothers were not coming home with us.  i cried.  i tried not to, but i could not help it.  he was mostly upset to see me crying.  we don't think he understood that those babies weren't ours and they would not be joining our little family.  we'd gone from four babies to no babies in a matter of days.  he asked if i would always be sad, which made me even more sad, but i reassured him that it would take some time, but i would be happy again.  we got in the car and headed back home.  multiple times on that trip he asked if i was happy yet?  i kept reconfirming it would not be today, but maybe tomorrow.  when we got home sweet lori met us in the driveway with hugs and flowers.  none of us could really make eye contact.  we just hurried on through things and talked about anything but.

beautiful flowers.

wednesday and thursday were business as usual.  i tried to hold back tears, get caught up on work, and explain to everyone we'd shared the news with that those babies were not ours.  i remember sobbing while making dinner.  i was facing the wall and dax was playing a game in another room.  i was able to break down.  we returned things.  we got our money back.  we cried.  we hugged.  we grieved.  we loved, we lost.  we unpacked and repacked to take dax to the tweetsie railroad in boone, nc like we'd originally planned.  we carried on.  friday we loaded the car back up and hit the road to the western part of the state.  we enjoyed the drive and the sunny weather.  we stopped and had lunch in durham, nc and passed out pass around cards all along the way.  we made good time and as we were turning onto the road nearest to will's parent's house we got a call from the director of the agency's office.  she was calling to check in on us and see how we were doing.  we told her what we'd been up to and where we were headed, trying to get back to life as usual.  she reconfirmed that we had told our social worker that we were fine to go back to active status the day after the failed match.  we reassured her that we were. then, right there in the car in western nc, that is where the phone call changed directions...

starting out our trip to western, nc in the right way by getting good eats in durham, nc.

 

dropping cards all across the state.  back to the drawing board.  literally.