Wednesday, May 23, 2012

juggling act

what an angel.
a gift from heaven.
you quietly rest in sweet peace.
your eyes are closed - mouth slightly open.
breathing softly - ever so softly.
dreaming tender dreams.
rest - my sweet baby - rest.

with life so busily buzzing around us its sometimes hard to stop and focus on the moment.  will and i both work full time 40 + hr week jobs that keep our minds occupied at least 8 hours a day.  since i work from home i feel like daxton does a lot of alone playtime or pop-in playtime where i start something for 1 minute and then let him carry on by himself.  it's not how i imagined i'd be parenting, but its the reality of the situation.  while taking conference calls, running the nc team, answering hundreds of emails, and fielding manager inquiries, focusing your attention on a baby is a hard thing to do.  he spends lots of time on my lap with one arm around him and the other typing away, focused on excel spreadsheets and online programs.  i feel like even though i am home with him, i am missing out.  sure, he and i get to have breakfast together, we share every bottle, we have a lunch break, and i am fully with him as soon as i sign off work - but during the day my eyes, my ears, and my being are not solely devoted to him.  that's hard.  hard to swallow.  feeling inadequate is just how things are going lately and i just pray that the time i give him is enough time and that he's not suffering in any way because my head is jammed in a laptop or shoved into the receiver of a phone.

i need to give myself - and him - time each day where he is my sole focus.  its good for him, its good for me, its good for my soul.  he's brought so much meaning to our lives and i don't want him to ever feel neglected or taken for granted.  he's our pride and our raison d' etre.  he's growing up fast and i want to witness all of his milestones, encourage him, cheer him on, and help him be the best little boy he can be.  being a good parent is what i want to be successful at in my life.  i want to be a role model for him, in what i say and do.  i don't want him to ever look back and say that mommy worked too much.  i am hoping soon, very soon, that a balance will come.


Kat said...

My friend- I know that baby. I spend time with him. I see how happy and content he is. He is cherished and adored. His tiny baby heart and mind know this. You are a remarkable mommy to him and just as you are blessed to have him, he is blessed to have you. Love you.

Cat's Litterbox said...

It's going to get more and more difficult as he gets older. He'll become mobile and then the world as you know it will end forever.

Don't beat yourself up too hard A. You're doing the best that you can and your love for him is something that he'll never have to question.

I wish there was something that I could do to help you. As much as I missed teaching, I just couldn't imagine having to balance my work life and my mommy life. For me, nothing is more important that Gus and being here for him.

Being a SAHM is hard work, but being a working mom, AND being a work from home mom... that's really tough.

I pray that you find some peace and that you're able to have something happen so that you can spend as much time with Dax as your heart and soul desires.

HUGS friend!!!