ct scan reveals no trauma

a ct scan of the head and neck revealed there was no trauma to his head.

whoa - back this truck up.

yesterday at this time dax and i were in the er.

back up even further.

at 5pm, just as i'd signed off work, i scooped daxy up ad took one step in between the playyard set up of a swing, a playmat, and a jumperoo.  my right foot slightly caught on the leg of the swing and it sent my body, holding this sweet baby, into a lunging running desperate attempt to catch my balance.  i jerked forward about 5 feet and thought i had saved the day when i fell to my knees, then in a split second all of this went through my mind -

we're falling, oh lord no, please help us, we're really falling, quick - tuck your arms, don't fall on him, protect his head.

then, before i could even react, my elbows slammed into the hardwood floor in front of our kitchen sink - i cried out - and then daxy's sweet little head pounded onto the floor.  he let out a blood curdling scream.  a scream i've never heard come out of him before (and hope i never ever hear again).  i quickly brought him to my chest and i remember just saying - baby, sweet baby - i am so sorry - mommy is so sorry - PLEASE dear Lord watch over this baby. 

i got up and took him into the bedroom and laid him in the middle of our bed so i could locate car keys, the diaper bag, and my brain.  i called will - got his voicemail - and left some frantic message - meet me at the er.  dax just kept screaming - loud piercing screams.  i was crying - tears flowing down my cheeks.  the dogs were worried, terribly worried about what was going on - but i did not even have time to crate them.  again, i scooped daxy up and strapped him into the carseat - all the while the little fellow was still screaming.

i got him out to the car and into the back seat and waited an eternity for a neighbor to make a leisurely exit out of the subdivision.  i frantically called kathy to have her im will.  (why i did not try his desk phone is beyond me at this point, but i think i was just doing good to be operating a motor vehicle.)  i don't remember too much from our conversation, but i remember her asking me why i did not call 911.  i thought - oh my gosh - should i have called 911?  should i pull over right now on the side of the road and call 911?  i never even thought about calling 911!  i kept driving.  she got a hold of will and he said he was on his way.  daxy was still screaming in the back seat.

the drive to the er seemed to take forever.  i felt like i was behind every single solitary slow driver and that nobody cared (regardless of how i thought they were supposed to know) that i was on my way to the er with my sweet baby.  about half the way to the hospital the screaming stopped - just out of the blue the blood curdling screams turned into silence.  i reached my hand back and felt for his little hand and it was limp - he was not moving.  i did not know if he was asleep, passed out, or something way worse.  (every terrible awful gut wrenching thing runs through your mind at this point.)  i drove faster - surely breaking every speed limit in this 12 mile trip.

i pulled into the parking lot and leaned my seat forward to pull his carseat off the base and into the parking lot.  he appeared to be sleeping with his little head hung over to one side.  i touched his face, his hand, his belly and got no response.  i ran to the doors of the er.  i waited patiently as i could - tears still streaming down my face - behind another person checking in.  when it was our turn i handed over my drivers license and daxton's insurance card while the fellow behind the desk seemed to be in no apparent hurry.  he handed me a pager.  i looked at him - stone cold in the face - and said i am not sure if he has passed out or is sleeping, but i cannot seem to wake him up so i really hope you will hurry!  i turned and went to sit on a stool and saw a paramedic and nurse dashing our way.  they immediately turned the car seat around and starting prodding baby dax - nothing.  the nurse could not get him to wake up and the paramedic picked up the car seat and headed to the double doors to the er.  i followed.

as i rounded the corner my breath was flowing out of me and i felt like i was gasping for air.  the two of them dashing in front of me made everything seem so much more real - i could hardly take it.  as we entered through the doors and headed to a room things started to get a little fuzzy and i don't really remember what was done or said, but before i knew it daxton was on a stretcher with 8 doctors, nurses, paramedics, and hospital staff surrounding him.  the dr. asked the nurse - you could not wake him? as he took off his footie pajamas - she responded that she couldn't and then within seconds - he screamed (as if to say - holy crap - where are we - where did my pajamas go - and why are you taking off my diaper!). 

they did a thorough check, daxton screaming all the while, and investigated him externally from head to toe.  they listened to the story of how i fell and where his little head hit the ground.  he appeared lethargic, but okay.  they got him gowned up, hooked him up to a heart monitor, and let me sit on the bed and hold him.  once they confirmed he was stable, they told us they'd run a ct scan of his head and neck - but they suspected he had just gotten so scared/shocked/startled that he screamed and cried himself right to sleep.  apparently its pretty common with trauma to the head.  we sat on the bed together and waited for daddy.

my phone was buzzing crazy in the diaper bag, but with daxton's cords and my fear of dropping him, i knew daddy would find his way to us.  within a matter of minutes i saw his shoes coming from under the room's curtain.  it was such a relief to have him here with us.  daddy took daxton and held him on the bed.  i think i was still in such shock it was not all really settling in what had just transpired.  the dr. came back to check on us and told us they'd have him back for ct shortly.  once they confirmed he had not vomited they okayed a bottle and daxy drank the entire thing.  he started getting a little more perky once his belly was full.

they came back to get him for the ct scan and will opted to be the one who'd hold him still during the procedure.  i waited in the room.  however, within a few minutes the tech was back in our room asking me to come with her because daxy was a little squirmy so they needed me to help hold.  off we went.  we got to the room and will was holding dax's shoulders in a pillowcase contraption and i was to reach through the ct machine and hold a wash rag to hold his head in place.  easier said than done.  daxy was fascinated by the pretty green and red lights that danced around while the machine went whizzing by - i think it all reminded him of a baby einstein movie we'd watched earlier this week.  in about 10 minutes we were done and got to head back down the hall to the room to wait for the results.

daxton ended up falling asleep on the bed while we waited for the data.  it seemed like forever until the dr. finally came to confirm that the ct scans showed no issues.  relieved, we started packing up our things so we could head home.  will agreed to take dax and the diaper bag and i headed back to the other car alone.

getting in the car, i started realizing what all had just occurred.  how much worse things could have been - how in a split second things can go from la-de-da to life altering.  the tears - once again - started flowing.  i am not a huge cryer, but i am afraid that when i do actually let myself cry it becomes a hot freaking mess.  it was almost hard to drive through all of that, but a phone call from beth helped me reign it back in.  once the crying was under control the pain started to set in.  i remember thinking at first that i must not be in as bad of shape as i thought because i hit that floor pretty hard and felt fine.  i should have knocked on the fake wood in the console.  first it was the knee cap, then the shoulders, then the back, then the hip - everything throbbing.  i've never been in a car wreck, but this is what i assume it feels like.  once i got home i told will that my hip was really hurting and i showed him where it hurt, but nothing was there.  by this morning its a bruise about four inches long and three inches across.  i have no idea how i got it, what i hit, or when it occurred.  i thought i had a very clear memory of how i plummeted, but apparently not.

the doctor told us to wake daxy once in the middle of the night to make sure he was able to wake up.  he went to bed easily after taking a bottle.  we laid him in his bed and said an extra special prayer over him.  we set our alarm for 2am to get up and check on him.  i took some pain medicine, emailed work to tell them i would not be in to work the next day, and called it a night.  the alarm went off at 2am and will and i both got up to head down the hall to daxy's room.  we slipped in under the cover of darkness and found him softly sleeping.  i touched his hand, then his face, then his back, and he gave me a sort of jerking motion to signal us to let him sleep!  we knew then he was fine and let him be.  i think i slept a lot better from 2:30 to 6 then i had from 11 to 2.

we took daxy to his primary care doctor's office today.  they'd received the ct scans and reviewed everything and gave daxton one more once over.  the dr. confirmed he looked good and he really thought he was 100% fine.  we really felt in our hearts that he was good to go, but just hearing another confirmation certainly felt reassuring. 

i am sure i will be physically sore for a week or so, but it's nothing that won't heal with some rest, arnica, and advil.  my heart was surely traumatized by all of this and i think it will be a much longer time until i can talk about this without crying my eyeballs out.  we're so thankful to God that He was watching over daxy and i as we tumbled yesterday, and hope that something so traumatic never happens to this little fellow ever again.

these are a few of our favorite things

okay, so this is not oprah's favorite things, but it's the list i've come up with that help make me a better mommy.  while we were waiting for our placement, we had the nesting urge to fill our home and nursery with things we'd need when the baby finally arrived.  it was hard to sort through the internet and take good advice from a complete list of strangers, and even worse to take advice from my friends (and relatives) whose kids were at least 12 and older.  so, i have devised a list to just let you know what we're happy that we purchased/received.  (brand name dropping below for sole purpose of helping those who are attempting to make purchases before their little ones arrive, and are looking for some feedback.)

in no particular order:

1.  firm mattress - we purchased the serta royal sleeper mattress.  while it was not the most expensive mattress out there, it was definitely not the cheapest.  it's very firm, which made us feel more comfortable knowing that he would not be sinking into it while he rested.  he must like it because as soon as he lays down on it, he falls right to sleep.  (it's not organic, but the crib pad is - we will get to that in a minute.)

2.  crib - for the crib we purchased the davinci jenny lind crib.  it goes from crib to toddler bed.  it looks just like the more expensive jenny lind cribs, but for a fraction of the cost.  we were not sure if we were being placed with a boy or a girl, so this seemed to be gender neutral.  so far we really like it.  we've moved the mattress down to the middle level since we sometimes see a little baby head popping up.

3.  waterproof mattress pad - we purchased the naturepedic organic waterproof crib pad.  again, this was pretty pricey compared to some other pads, but we've washed it quite a few times and run it through the dryer just as many times, and it still fits the mattress like new.  so far no spit up or pee has gone through the pad on to the mattress.

4.  bottles - Dr browns bottles.  everyone i talked to said that we had to have these bottles.  we were skeptical at first and thought that we'd never learn how to put all of these parts together, but they really do seem to help.  it's the only thing we've ever used with daxton.  we did lose several parts to one bottle to the dishwasher heating element while visiting my sister in chicago, but they sell replacement parts at the baby big box stores.

5.  pacifiers - you really need hoards of passies.  i am not very good at clipping the passie clip onto the baby or on to the passie - i really did not do it for about the first 4 months.  we must have gone through approximately two dozen passies.  we are still finding them.  i think at some point the dogs may have been hoarding them.  who knows.  however we used avent brand passies and daxton seems to love them.  will and i have discussed that it may be difficult to break him of the passie here shortly once these teeth make an appearance.

6.  burp cloths and bibs - if you've read my blog for any length of time you can probably remember how many burp cloths i made.  i dyed about 48 burp cloths in my back yard the summer before daxton arrived.  i ended up giving about a dozen away to friends who were having babies or placements around that time, so we ended up with about 36 that are still in constant rotation.  we use them for everything.  we purchased gerber brand white burp cloths and then dyed them to look like those fancy burp cloths you see on etsy for $6 a piece.  mine turned out pretty good, and have held up really well.  fun project - but recommend washing the dye at the laundry mat rather than in your own shower and washing machine.

7. bumbo seat - i never would have purchased one on my own, it seems like an expensive item for a short time frame of use.  however, a friend from church gave us her old one and dax has loved it.  it's been a blessing to take it to places that you just cannot take a high chair to.  dax loves sitting up and looking around and he even loves doing acrobatics in it - which may be it's only down fall.  right now he is attempting to worm his way out of it to flip over, so we have to keep a watchful eye on him when he's in it.  if you get one, see if you can get it at a second hand store.  they clean up very easily.

8.  jumperoo - all time best baby purchase ever.  i know all babies are different, but for some reason i thought we should get the jumperoo instead of the exersaucer.  i did not want two of these giant contraptions taking up all of the floor space, so i figured we'd opt for one.  somehow we ended up getting 4 jumperoos at our baby shower, but we did return 2 of them for other things.  dax now has one upstairs jumperoo and one downstairs jumperoo.  if he does not get to jump for any given length of time he will actually go through jumping withdrawls.  he will then attempt to jump on anything he can find.  give the kid some jumping time!  we have two fisher price models and he likes the rainforest model the best.  they all have relatively similar attention grabbing items around the center, so just pick whichever one matches your house!

9.  play mat  - dax's second favorite item in the toy yard.  we have the boppy circus mat.  a little disappointed that  his circus came crashing down last week and the flexible arm that holds up all of the circus fun snapped in half and he can no longer have the aerial part of the circus.  i still need to email boppy to see if they'd like to replace that for us, but somehow i am thinking they won't.  it was a lot of fun though until it broke.

10.  excellent diaper bag - we started out with the $60 diaper dude messenger style bag.  when we purchased it we were matched with a baby girl, so gray and pink seemed to be like a good match.  however, after all that fell through i had already cut off all of the tags and we were committed to it's pinkness.  despite the color being all wrong (and the nursery room attendants at church not thinking it was his bag because it was pink), we determined before i left for chicago that we were going to have to live with a diaper bag until dax was at least 2 or 3, so we should stop just putting up with it's difficult packability.  it just did not make sense.  too many small pockets on the outside that just did not really hold anything worthy of going in a pocket, and then one big large center pocket that lost everything inside it.  boo.  so, we bit the bullet and ended up with a petunia picklebottom boxy backpack.  it's been to chicago and saved me in the airports.  it holds a great deal of stuff and it's relatively easy to carry since you have the backpack, shoulder, or cross shoulder option.  so far worth the $.

11.  baby shampoo and conditioner - we've purchased many brands of baby products.  when dax first came home we tried to use burt's bee's baby, then eucerine, then cara b organic, then (and what we finally ended up with) california baby super sensitive (unscented).  dax had some skin irritation, the baby acne, a rash, and all the while we were linking things to his shampoo and body wash.  i still don't know if it all just went away on its own or it was related to the products themselves, but the california baby super sensitive has seemed to work well all this time, so we're not changing it now.  (we do use burt's bees, california baby, and welleda diaper creme for diaper rashes and all three work well.)

12.  good blankets - aden + anais bamboo blankies.  not the ones you can get at target or babiesrus, but the really good ones from the boutique baby stores.  it does make a difference, and they are worth the $50 for the three pack.  we use them all the time for daxton.  they are not too warm, but they keep him warm, they block out sun when you double them over, and they are light and fold up easily.

13.  baby bathtub - we have the fisher price precious planet whale of a tub.  dax loves his bath time and he loves his tub.  it's easy to use and fits right down in the tub.  it's not easy to carry it full of water to the kitchen counter, but we only attempted this twice before we figured it out.  (sometimes we are slow to catch on.)  the toys that came with the tub are some of daxy's favorite bathtime toys, and he especially loves the slotted orange fish that sprinkles water.

14. baby friendly tunes - for everyone this means a little something different, but we could not have survived the first three months without putumayo kids and several rockabye baby cds.  dax loved them in the car, in the office, and even on the bose.  we'd rock out at all times and as long as the music was going, he was a happy camper.  we still listen to putumayo kids cds.  they are family favorites.  i don't think of them much as kids music and they are not so annoying as rockaby baby madonna (for example).

15.  ergo carrier - we went through the baby bjorn, the moby wrap, and the infantino flip before we broke down and returned those jumperoos for an ergo.  our backs were killing us with all of the other carriers and daxton just did not really like being in them.  we finally got the ergo baby sport (because we are so sporty,  no, because it's thinner and not so hot).  we have not used it immenesly, but the times we have used it daxton did not mind it and our backs were not burning like red fire ants had attacked us.

16.  carseat - we opted for chicco brand.  we got the key fit that came with the fold up stroller.  it is heavy, but it is safe.  these carseats ranked as some of the lowest on the toxicity levels, but high in car safety testing.  however, once the baby is over about 10lbs it is very difficult to carry with the baby inside.  it's very easy to install in the car, and i've tested it out on land rover, toyota, chevrolet, and vw.

17.  comfortable stroller for both you and baby - if there is a place where you can go and test out a stroller, i highly advise you to do that.  see how long the handles are and how the wheels work with your own stride.  we love our inglesina swift stroller, but the handles are not long enough and our feet tend to kick the wheels as we stroll along.  we also love the chicco stroller that came with the carseat, but it is bulky and not practical to use all of the time.  neither of them are good for the beach, but we don't get to go often enough to justify another stroller.  both of our current strollers are good for daxton for sitting up or for laying down and sleeping.  both have a canopy that is very helpful for strolling or resting on the beach.

18.  diapers - when daxton first arrived home we used earth's best chlorine free diapers.  they then became hard to locate so we switched to seventh generation.  we also exclusively use bum genius 4.0 snap diapers when we're at home.  we launder diapers every other day and we use a combination of baking soda, charlie's soap, biokleen, and seventh generation baby detergent in our front load washer.  we have 25 bg cloth diapers and really feel like it is the perfect amount for us.  if you have more then you'd wait too long to wash and that is just really not fun for anyone.

19.  wipes - seventh generation - we use these wipes exclusively and always have.  they are unscented and do not have any of that ultra strong "baby powder" scenting that i don't care for.

20.  baby food - sprout.  we really like sprout organics.  they come in packets, instead of packages with those plastic screw off lids and they're easy to toss in your diaper bag or in your travel bag for the airplane.  they are also easy to feed from, so you don't have to do lots of dishes.  dax likes all of the flavor combinations, except green beans, peas, and mint.  they are a lot less expensive than earth's best organics, plum, or happy baby - but have good consistency, decent flavor, and no added sugar.

21.  formula - we used enfamil newborn when dax was newly ours because it was what they'd been giving him at the hospital.  our doctor told us not to switch it up until he was ready to go to regular formula.  once he did, we transferred him over to earth's best organic formula and he seems to like it, because he finishes every bottle!

22.  swing - we purchased the fisher price my little lamb baby swing.  dax slept in it for about the first two months of his life.  he still sleeps in it on a weekly basis, when in the wee hours of the morning he decides to wake up before the sunshine and refuses to go back to bed.  we strap him in, turn on the muzak, crank up the mobile, and let her rip.  he loves talking to the characters on the mobile and seeing himself in the circular mirror over his head.  definitely a good investment.  this one swings in three directions, and that is handy when you move it from room to room.  the only thing i don't like is that you cannot take the headrest out to launder it separately from the rest of the swing.

23. - high chair - we received the graco 4-in-1 high chair seating system.  could not be happier with it.  it's easy to put together and transitional between your baby's various eating stages.  it should last daxton until he's much older.  the tray is easy to clean (although too large for our dishwasher), but it wipes off easily and i can put it in the sink if it needs to be scrubbed.  the harness style (racing) seat belt does seem like overkill when your baby is just newly sitting up to eat their first meal, but as they get older you see it's importance.  we're thankful he has it now, otherwise half of our baby food and our baby would be on the ground.

hope this is helpful for someone who is out there struggling with a list of things they need to get before their little one arrives home!

8 months

it's been eight months since daxton was born.

it's been eight months since this sweet boy found his way into our lives.

it's been eight months since our hearts grew exponentially with a love we never knew.

daxton has been a little traveler this past month.  he experienced his first airplane ride, his first long car ride with no other friends in the back seat, and his first trip to the lake.  he had a good time in chicago and loved hanging out with his auntie conti and uncle keeker.  he did lots of sight seeing and hung in there even when the weather was hot and the trips out of the house were long.  he also had a good time visiting his nani and gran-gran in va this past week.  he played most of the days in his jumper while i worked and then he got to go to smith mountain lake on the 4th of july.  we didn't hang in there for fireworks, but a fun day in the lake was just about all the little fella could keep up with.

daxton's been progressing with textural foods.  he's still not so sure about mashed up bananas, chopped up mango, or puffs - but he loves his strawberry yogis and watermelon!  it's been hard to find organic watermelon, but every time we locate one we make sure to get it for dax.  he loves the flavor of it and i think that the flavor even overwhelms the textural aspect that he's sometimes not so sure of.  it's definitely his favorite thing so far.

daxton is still working on his sit up skills.  he will sit, if you put him there - until a breeze knocks him over - or something fascinating (which is generally anything) catches his eye and he turns his head.  sudden turns send him straight into a tumble.  he likes sitting up, but he's still not connecting the fact that he needs to use his arms to balance himself as he's falling over.  crawling is not even on the radar.  we get the butt going up in the air, and he reaches, and stretches for objects he wants that are not in his grasp, but he is not attempting to move to go get them just yet.

we keep thinking that teeth are on the horizon.  i think we've been thinking this since he was about 3 months old - alas - there are no teeth poking through.  it's funny to watch him eat his puffs because he actually chews them - nom - nom - nom - as if he had teeth, but he's just chewing with his gums!  he'll sure have a cute little grin when those pearly whites make an appearance!

daxton's been a water bug as of late.  he's been to pools and the lake and he loves being in the water.  in fact, he got so relaxed at the lake that he fell asleep while wearing his life jacket submerged in a float in the water!  we had to hoist him out and let him rest on the boat.  when we put him back in the water later, he did the same thing again.  he loved watching everyone float around in the lake on rafts.  while on the boat he saw everyone out there and he climbed up and actually stood (while holding on to the seat) to look over the edge and see what was going on.  he never wants to miss out on the fun!  he played with his cousin ellie in the kiddie pool and thought it was pretty funny when she was splish splashing all around.  they were great buddies together!

daxton never meets a stranger.  he's fascinated and happy with everyone he meets.  he spends his sunday mornings in the nursery at church, and he goes from care taker to care taker without any issue.  he's hung out with friends of friends at the lake and with the neighbors and he's never met anyone he does not like.  he spent a good deal of time with his cousin james while he was in roanoke and he loved just laying on his play mat with him and watching what he was doing.  he's a friendly and personable little fellow.

jumperoo.  hate to mention it again, but it still goes down in the history books as the all - time - favorite - daxy toy.  we even took one apart and drove it to va so he could jump while he was out of town.  he missed it terribly while we were in chicago and i could tell he was happy to see it when we arrived in va.  we got it out of the car and set it up and he immediately started clapping and jumping!

it's been eight months of 1540 diaper changes.

it's been eight months of 1488 bottles for a total of 54.1 gallons.

it's been eight months of cuddling, rocking, and loving on our boy.

it's been eight months of the purest joy you'd ever know.

chicago

daxton took his first major trip this past friday.  we packed our bags and headed to "the windy city".  we loaded up with diapers, bottles, passies, toys that did not make noise, and wishes for smooth flights.  dax did a great job getting through security and we waved to daddy as we made our way to the gate.  he got a little fussy once we heard lots of final calls and loud announcements, but with a quick bottle he was back to his chipper self.  we boarded our plane for cincinnati and my fears of an unpacified baby melted away as the plane picked up speed down the runway and daxy fell to sleep.  he slept all the way to cvg.  our layover was short and we had just enough time for a diaper and a bottle before it we were on our plane to chicago.  he was a little less concerned with napping on the second flight of the day, but the flight was short - and before we knew it - we were in chicago.

we picked up our carryon items and waited to be the last people off the plane, so i could gather everything from the overhead bin.  keeping your butt out in the aisle is the only way to pick up a baby and a diaper bag.  after we made our way off the plane we followed the signs to the baggage claim area.  once we reached the base of the escalator i heard my brother in law calling dax's name.  we were relieved to know we'd have help to lug a carseat and its base, a stroller, a suitcase, a diaper bag, and a baby on the el into the city.  chris got us safely to the car and played with dax while i installed the car seat base.  (husband had given me a lesson before dropping us off that morning.)  within 5 minutes, we were on our way. 

we made our way from the airport into the traffic.  everything was backlogged - even at 3pm - so chris took an exit and we headed into the city.  dax and i were in need of lunch and a bathroom break so chris found us a great thai restaurant to stop and kill some time.  we were waiting to be able to pick up lori (baby sister) when she got off work at 5pm.  i enjoyed my thai spicy lunch, dax enjoyed his bottle and a good stretch, and chris was glad we'd made it safely out of the traffic.

after picking up lori we made our way back to her condo and i got the grand tour.  dax was happy on the couch, but i needed to see where lori is when i talk to her on the phone.  do you ever have this desire?  i just really like to know where people are when i am talking to them.  strange?  maybe.  lori obliged and showed me around.  it was great to see all of the projects she'd worked on that we'd previously discussed over the past year.  her place was so cute i told her she'd have to come help me jazz mine up.  we settled into some comfortables and chris and lori started on dinner.  we opened up some wine and sat out on the patio while chris grilled strip steaks and lori steamed lobster tails!  it was such a treat!  we stayed up and chatted, sang, and danced on the patio until i literally started to fall asleep at the table.  tomorrow was another day.

saturday we got up early (thanks to my sweet baby) and we headed out for some breakfast.  we went to a really cute little place and dax enjoyed the wall street journal while we waited for our table.  i ordered for us and our delicious cappuccinos and versions of croque monsieurs were quickly delivered.  we sat and enjoyed the breakfast before a day of sightseeing and shopping.  dax was good in the stroller and as long as we were in motion, he had his passie, and the scenery was changing he was good.  we shopped until we dropped and daxy picked up a chicago ball cap, a counting book of city scenes, and some jingle beads for his little kicking feet.  we worked to construct these little "bracelets" for him to wear so he'd hear jingling bells every time he kicks, but he'd kick them right off every time!

sunday we headed into china town for a feast of dim sum.  we don't have dim sum cart service in raleigh, so lori found a place we could test it all out.  chris drove us to a restaurant called the phoenix.  we arrived early so we could be sure to get a table.  i waited all morning for bao buns.  every steamer basket that was presented was a bit of a dissappointment because it did not contain the bao.  we waited and waited until just when we were about stuffed to our eyeballs on baby octopus, squid, bean curd, and chicken wings - they finally brought the beloved bao.  we all took a bite and it was kind of like that moment when you hear the "whaa whaa" let down sound.  it was okay, but it was not worth all of this energy and a trip to chicago to have!

after our bellies were full we toured some more of the city and eventually ended up at lake michigan.  the water was crystal clear and the sun was hot, so i figured we'd get dax in for a little toe soak.  he did the same thing he did last time he was exposed to chilly water - tuck and cringe!  there woul be no wading in the water for daxy!  lori, chris, and i enjoyed the water and sat on the shore for a little bit to just soak in some sun.

monday's tour included a trip to millenium park to see "the bean", a tour of my favorite store "rudy's roundup" (we just love it for the name - the name rudy goes back to the days of the huxtables, and lori aka rudy aka conti - never goes by her real name), and a visit to big and little's for some ahi tacos.  dax was killer in his new sunglasses.  he kept them on pretty well, but on several occassions we found him flailing the $20 sunglasses around and i had to take them back.  silly daxy! 

dax slept really well in the pack-n-play that was formerly used for rocco (the chihuahua) after his spinal surgery last year.  i was surprised that he'd sleep so peacefully with all of the city noise and the lights pouring in through the windows.  afterall, his room is pitch black at night and where we live you can only hear crickets and frogs.  i think we wore him plum out.  he was just exhausted.  he was so tired he slept all day on wednesday.  poor fella.  one thing he did not do well while we were out of town was to eat his baby foods.  chris had gone to whole foods and purchased dax's disposable diapers, formula, and baby food.  he then lugged all of that up 4 flights of stairs - only for dax to stick his nose up at the baby food and not eat it.  it was strange, because to date the only thing he'd  never not eaten was a mixture of green beans, peas, and mint (even i thought that it smelled/tasted strange).  however, we tried to feed him in multiple places, with multiple foods, and multiple spoons, but he was just not having it.  could he really be that in love with his high chair?  i dunno.

he's a good traveling buddy.  there were 4 flights total to get us to chi town and back and daxy never cried on a single flight.  he was easily entertained with jumping, smacking me (its not as violent as it sounds), and silly faces whenever he was awake.  otherwise he slept and rested his sweet traveling noggin.  it probably won't be until 2013 when daxy flies again, but if he keeps up this sweet demeanor he'll be a world traveler before you know it.

it was great to spend so much time with lori and chris, but it always feels like it's just never enough.  we love our family and we're always missing them when they aren't with us.  until we see you again - love!

ptosis

we had an ophthalmology appointment for dax when he was just a few months old and today we had his follow up appointment.  we pretty much knew what the doctor was going to say before we got there, but we were still anxious to go just to make sure there was nothing else we could be doing.  dax was really good at the doctor today and despite a nap in the waiting room he was wide awake when it mattered.  last time he was there he was sleeping through the appointment and the doctor had to use some eye prying device to see his little eyes, which really creeped me out!

today the doctor reconfirmed congenital ptosis in his left eye and measured the eye opening to a 10 on the right, but only a 5 on the left.  the doctor did note his attempted compensation for the lack of opening in the lid and noted how he lifts his chin holding his head back or raises his eye brows.  we notice this when he's trying to look at something up close or when he gets too tired.  the doctor confirmed the corrective surgery will take place once he is 3 years old since the symptoms are only moderate and asked to see us back in two and a half years.

it's a good feeling to know he is able to see what he needs to see, the surgery when it does happen is fairly routine, and aside from a tiny scar on his upper lid - nobody will ever know the difference.  we're grateful we have medical insurance to cover the majority of this type of procedure and are happy that for right now he seems perfectly fine about all of it. 

another thing that i am so undeniably thankful for is my husband - daxy's daddy.  it's never a question to him if he "needs" to go to the appointment with me.  regardless of what it is, what it's for, what time it is, what it's in the middle of - he is right there.  we all go together in the same car (after the one time i got lost meeting him for daxy's urology appointment) and he drives us there and takes us back home before driving into work.  he's a sweet, loving, caring daddy and i am thankful he belongs to us.

7 months

it's been seven months since daxton was born.

it's been seven months since this sweet boy found his way into our lives.

it's been seven months since our hearts grew exponentially with a love we never knew.

time is flying. it seems like just yesterday we were bringing our sweet baby home from the hospital and now he is seven months old! daxton is growing so fast! it's just hard to keep control of time passing so quickly. before you know it he'll be crawling, walking, running, and off to college!

daxton is continuing to be an excellent eater. he's been given the green light to consume just about anything he can gum and we've been giving him 100% organics. he's a huge fan of a broccoli, pea, pear mix, a beet, blueberry, banana mix, peaches with brown rice, bananas with brown rice, and sweet potato. he is no longer in love with his beloved squash. i ordered a case and was so excited to see his face when we spooned it up - but, he stuck out his tongue and choked down every bite. it was no longer what he was craving. strangely enough broccoli has been the big thing of late.

eating times are becoming more entertaining. just this week dax learned how to grab hold of the spoon (full of food) and drive it right into his mouth. at first he landed it in his eye, then in his hair, and finally into his mouth. i ended up giving him a practice spoon (that was empty) so he could play with that one instead of the one full of purple carrots! one flick of the wrist sent carrots flying and i feared that the silk curtains' days might be numbered.

dax is exploring body parts. he has really discovered his feet. he'll curl up and tuck those legs in to get right at the feet. he will grab hold and pull up. he really admires them and thinks it's pretty amazing that they are attached to his body. he also learned that he has a tongue. for one, its really good to use it to press a ton of stored food out of your mouth and dribbling down your chin, bib, lap, and off of the high chair and on to the floor. secondly its really a unique tool to create the rolling "r" sound like he's from brazil. earlier this week, everything was babbled with a rolling "r". even daddy cannot do that! third, it's surely fun for making lots of racket. he knows how to make all sorts of sounds with the tongue - loud ones are his favorite. lastly, its certainly fun to never keep it in your mouth. just stick it out all the time - a little to the left, a little to the right, then straight down! he also loves to use his right hand to pet on things. he loves to stroke the back of his head, part of his pajamas with the snaps, or his blanket. it's so adorable to watch those little fingers work.

daxton has graduated from laying down all of the time to actually sitting once you get him into the position. sure, he will still end up falling over, but since it's never been on the hardwood floors he thinks it's pretty funny when he tumbles. we make a crashing sound and he just laughs and laughs. he really likes spending time in the bumbo seat now and will sit and play in there for a good long time. today he sat up in the yard on a blanket with no support at all! being upright is getting better for him each day!

dax loves music. he loves me singing "america house originals" (songs where i completely make up the words) while he eats, rests, and plays. he looks at me like - are you singing again? - and then he smiles, stares, and laughs. he has a "wiggle" song, a song entitled "it's everywhere", and a "tummy time" song. he also loves it when i play music for him on my phone. he likes to clap his hands, wiggle, and wave his arms up and down. he also likes soothing music that helps him rest, when he is just too tired to sleep. now he even likes to sing on his own. tonight we were at a restaurant with live music and dax made his own la-la right along to the music.

his favorite toy is still the jumperoo. he has two - one for work - and one for play. when i work he rotates through the toys, but he always winds up back in the jumperoo. lately he likes to take a book into the jumperoo, or a play ring, or some type of clip toy to play with while he jumps. i don't know how he can focus on all of that while jumping, but he does - and he gets such a big kick out of it. he also likes to play in his walker. he has no concept of moving forward, but he loves to take one foot (usually the left) and push himself backwards. we make the beep - beep - beep sound like a truck is backing up and he can sometimes get a pretty good momentum. hopefully one day he'll be moving the other direction.

dax is a happy baby. everyone who meets him comments on how sweet, how charming, how pleasant, how giggly, how talkative, how smart, and how happy he is. he's giggly and ticklish. he loves laughing - giant belly laughs - and they're contagious. you cannot see him laughing like that and not smile or chuckle yourself. he's content wherever he is.  it does not take much to make him happy.  he loves bright colorful rings and can sit and talk to them for hours.  he's can be calm, happy, giddy, perplexed, and a little demanding - but he is always a genuine pleasure - and our sweet - sweet baby.

it's been seven months of 1397 diaper changes.

it's been seven months of 1369 bottles for a total of 49.3 gallons.

it's been seven months of cuddling, rocking, and loving on our boy.

it's been seven months of the purest joy you'd ever know.

juggling act

what an angel.
a gift from heaven.
you quietly rest in sweet peace.
your eyes are closed - mouth slightly open.
breathing softly - ever so softly.
dreaming tender dreams.
rest - my sweet baby - rest.

with life so busily buzzing around us its sometimes hard to stop and focus on the moment.  will and i both work full time 40 + hr week jobs that keep our minds occupied at least 8 hours a day.  since i work from home i feel like daxton does a lot of alone playtime or pop-in playtime where i start something for 1 minute and then let him carry on by himself.  it's not how i imagined i'd be parenting, but its the reality of the situation.  while taking conference calls, running the nc team, answering hundreds of emails, and fielding manager inquiries, focusing your attention on a baby is a hard thing to do.  he spends lots of time on my lap with one arm around him and the other typing away, focused on excel spreadsheets and online programs.  i feel like even though i am home with him, i am missing out.  sure, he and i get to have breakfast together, we share every bottle, we have a lunch break, and i am fully with him as soon as i sign off work - but during the day my eyes, my ears, and my being are not solely devoted to him.  that's hard.  hard to swallow.  feeling inadequate is just how things are going lately and i just pray that the time i give him is enough time and that he's not suffering in any way because my head is jammed in a laptop or shoved into the receiver of a phone.

i need to give myself - and him - time each day where he is my sole focus.  its good for him, its good for me, its good for my soul.  he's brought so much meaning to our lives and i don't want him to ever feel neglected or taken for granted.  he's our pride and our raison d' etre.  he's growing up fast and i want to witness all of his milestones, encourage him, cheer him on, and help him be the best little boy he can be.  being a good parent is what i want to be successful at in my life.  i want to be a role model for him, in what i say and do.  i don't want him to ever look back and say that mommy worked too much.  i am hoping soon, very soon, that a balance will come.

a gift

a letter from my sweet sister beth:

Get your box of tissues....

I will wait.

Good?

Ok, I was looking and looking through cards and nothing came even close to what I wanted to say to you. They were all too weak...too vanilla.

Sure I'm happy you are a Mom now but soooo much more than what it says in a card. So here goes.

My Dearest Sister,

I first and foremost are so proud to call you my sister. You are so loving, thoughtful and caring. You adore your husband and both of you have stood by each other through things that would tear most couples apart. This journey you have been on to become parents has been epic. Your faith and hope carried the two of you through. You are two of the best people I know.
Ok Yes..Mother's Day....I know but with out Will, this all would not have been possible...so now...onto just you.

I am so proud of the Mother you have become. Daxton is so lucky to have the love you give him. He is going to grow up and be so bright, fun loving and intelligent. No bright and intelligent are different things. Bright meaning in spirit. I can already see in his eyes the joy of his spirit. You bring that out in him as his Mother. Daxton may not have grown inside of you but he definitely belongs with you. He is the little one you (both) have been waiting on for so long, God's promise to you fulfilled. He rewarded your faith, and patience with this precious life, this little perfect person. The color and joyfulness you already bring to him is amazing. I know I took over 1,000 pictures of James first year, but I'm also sure you have already topped that. What wonderful memories he will be able to share in because of this. I can not wait to see him grow and change and to hear him call you Mama. The first time will be the best, and there will be no greater "Love you" than from him. Just as James is for me Daxton is, and will always be the love of your life (sorry Will). Being a Mother takes precedence over all other things, Daxton is yours to protect, love and nourish. I have no doubt Daxton will have all of this in abundance. So on this your First Mother's Day, know that the little bundle of joy you hold in your arms is who you are meant to mother. He is one very lucky little boy. I love you with all of my heart...and I again am so proud to call you Sister, and now Mother to my Nephew Daxton.

--
Bethy

a mother's day

mother's day.

it was previously always a day i loathed up until last year.

at about this same time last year we were in full paper trails and for the first time ever i saw light and felt hope - hope that soon, sooner than ever before i'd be someone's momma.

see, it's all i ever really wanted, all i ever genuinely prayed for - was for God to make us parents. it took a hell of a lot of convincing on our hearts, but God had it all planned out.  He knew that that mother's day would be the last morher's day that could consume such sadness. despite the hope, we still had doubts of the timing, but it all flowed smoothly together and i started to feel at ease.

and so it's on this day that we typically commemorate moms with corsages, bouquets, cards with gold seals, and freshly prepared meals that she doesn't have to prepare or clean up after, that i humbly welcome myself into this upcoming weekend and officially indoctrinate myself into those that can be and will be happy on this mother's day.  so wherever this journey finds you, may you take piece in knowing that things do get better. God can make beautiful this out of the dust, and i hope that one day (if it has not already) this day will bring happiness to you as well.

6 months

it's been six months since daxton was born.

it's been six months since this sweet boy found his way into our lives.

it's been six months since our hearts grew exponentially with a love we never knew.

it's hard to believe that daxton is 6 months old today! 6 months! that's half a year! how did this happen! 6 months seems like such a milestone, yet i am not ready for my baby to be 6 months old! don't get me wrong - we're excited to see him grow, to watch his ever changing moves, to learn more and more about his personality every waking moment - but time needs to just slow down!

daxton is growing up fast.  he's really into trying new veggies since his beloved squash has been hard to come by.  lately he's been digging into some sweet potato with white bean, green beans with peas, and a couple fruits.  so far he's tested out prunes, mango, and apple.  right now he favors anything orange, so sweet potato and mango are some of his treasured din-dins.  he does pretty well at sitting up in his high chair, but he still gets a little lean going on to the right or left and sometimes takes a slouched back approach.  we prop him back up and then he's good to chow down.

daxton's had some firsts this month. 

he had his first trip to the beach for daddy's birthday.  he got to put his little toes into the sand and the icy cold ocean water.  he was fond of the sand, the sun, and the sound of the waves crashing - but he was not so excited about the chilling coldness of the splashing water.  we tortured him a little by plunging his toes into the crashing waves and he'd yank them back up as quick as he could.  it was cute, but we could only get away with doing it so many times.  he spent the majority of his beach weekend in full on sleeping mode.  we think its because in his room at night he has a sleep sheep that plays crashing waves - it was kind of like the beach was a giant sleep sheep.  he'd hear the waves crashing and he could not resist the sleepies!

speaking of birthday - we had daddy's birthday party.  dax and i made daddy some cupcakes, went shopping for gifts, and even dawned party hats for daddy's big day.  dax picked daddy out some socks with "crabs" on them for his little gift.  daddy loves them and has worn them twice since the party day.  he loved us singing the happy birthday song and thought that was just a hoot.  he hears it at restaurants sometimes, but there was just something fascinating about mommy singing it.  sure, i do hand motions and jumped up and down - but still - its mommy singing.

daxton went to a street festival in our town and got to see a fire truck, some kids doing performance art, and listen to live music.  he stayed awake for a long time and really enjoyed watching the kids dance.  he's fascinated by watching dancing.  his birth mom loves dancing and we hope that he'll try out some lessons when he gets older.  we certainly have no dance skills, so if he can inherit this trait maybe he could teach us some moves.

daxton also learned to flip from back to front to front to back - all the way around in a complete roll!  he surprised himself when he did it, and when i started cheering he lit up with a huge grin.  he loves to hear me make a huge deal about stuff (especially in a high pitched voice), and this was no exception.  he does pretty good at going from one side to another, but not on a regular basis.  when you put him on his stomach he is fine with it for about 15 minutes, but then he reaches his max capacity and if he cannot remember that he's supposed to flip over he'll have a mini-meltdown.  we sometimes have to end up rolling him over to rescue him from his own arm (that blocks his roll).

he'd previously discovered that he can make sound, but not to the extent that he does now.  he loves to babble, coo, and make noise.  he has a high pitched sound he recently discovered and he sounds like a little birdie when he lets that one fly.  he loves hearing himself make noise and loves to hear it on a recording.  we've taken quite a few videos on my iphone and we play them back for him so he can see and hear himself.  he watches them with a fixation like no other. 

he's a sweet boy and he loves to pet on things.  his latest love is rubbing his blanket, the button of his side snap onesie, his daddy's beard, his mommy's hair, and the doggie's face.  he looks at whatever he is petting with a sincere passion and he strokes away.  it's the cutest, sweetest, most adoring thing.

he's also pulling up when you give him your fingers and attempts to pull himself up from laying down into a sitting position.  he cannot hold himself up for more than a few seconds, but we gently lay him back down before he crashes.  he likes sitting up in the bumbo more now.  he used to get an upset tummy every time he sat up in the little chair before, but now he can sit up in the bumbo for about twenty minutes with no problem.  he seems to like being in that upright position, so hopefully soon he will be sitting up with less and less assistance!

daxton also had his first photo shoot.  we'd previously purchased a living social deal and had our family photos taken a few weeks ago.  daxton was good with the camera (he's kind of used to it), but the timing ended up being at a time of day when he was kind of sleepy.  after a little while he just had enough and we had to call it quits, but we ended up getting some good shots and we'll be posting them on the blog as soon as we get the disc!

it's been a busy 30 days!

it's been six months of 1166 diaper changes.

it's been six months of 1175 bottles for a total of 40.9 gallons.

it's been six months of cuddling, rocking, and loving on our boy.

it's been six months of the purest joy you'd ever know.

path to openness

open adoption roundtable #36

openness.  i know i've blogged about it before, but it was the one thing that absolutely terrified us about adoption.  when we got started, we actually made a point to steer clear of agencies who were pushing open adoption and we felt happy like little clams because of that decision.  it was the main reason i really thought we should do an international adoption.  keep the biologicals far far away - even in another country.  after all, we did not need them changing their mind, coming back 4 years later and trying to pull something, or dropping in on us all of the time.

but i was wrong.

my thinking - our thinking - was all wrong.

so - so wrong.

it was our own insecurities and idiocy that scared us into almost submitting to our fears and seeking a closed adoption.  what a lifelong mistake that would have been!  however, it was God who halted us when we were at that point and put several life altering hurdles in our path.  hurdles were placed in our lives that would take us years to overcome.  while we journeyed down that road, our eyes became more open, less glassy, and we clearly saw that closed adoption was good for nobody.

my sister is a "victim" of a closed adoption.  i phrased it in those terms because this happened to her, without any choosing of her own, and there is nothing she could have done to have changed it.  she does not know where she came from, other people who look like her, or what ever happened to any of them.  she has no medical information on her biologicals and does not know anything about that part of her.  her paperwork is a jungle of holes - and so is her heart.  just imagine not knowing.

she did her best to steer us towards open adoption, but it was not the time when will and i were ready to process it.  sure, we heard her, but we really were focused on US - and how the birth parents could endanger US and OUR future.  but God gave us those hurdles, and with time to focus we met people like Cathy W. who had just recently adopted her son Gus.  Gus has an open relationship with his birth parents and we saw it wasn't so scary.  At about the same time we met Kierstin W., who has an adopted daughter Kaycee, who also relishes in an open adoption.  God was giving us examples of how we needed to be and how we needed to change our views.

by viewing other people's open adoptions more carefully it led us to really begin to research open adoption and how it could work in our lives.  it was through classes with Bethany that we learned that our selfishness was not a reason to deprive our child of a link to their past, and our own insecurities were not a reason to deny this sweet birth family a connection to their biological child.  in time we got over OURSELVES, and saw that we needed to do what was right for our child and right for everyone involved.  we decided on an open adoption.

we set our profile wide open, knowing that God would bring us the child we were meant to parent.  it was not too long after our book went active that we had a match.  we met with that expectant family and started to see what an open relationship was going to look like.  that family had multiple other children and this baby would be their 5th.  we'd never considered how openness would change us.  we left that meeting and went home and prayed for that sweet family and that God would make things happen how he best saw fit.  we prayed for the expectant father to find a new job, for the expectant mother to have a safe and easy labor and not to have to work so many jobs, and for their children to be happy and well adjusted.  but, that is all that relationship ended up being.  it was an open "visit" and that was the end of it.  the match failed and we still continue to pray for that family every day.  we'll never know what happened to them or where they ended up, but through openness they have people praying for them and their future.

openness led us to be chosen again shortly after this failed match.  we were guarded when we met expectant mother #2, and no matter how hard we tried, we were just a little closed off.  we were nervous that what happened before would happen again.  but openness gives you a fragility that you would not have if you were closed off.  this fragility is part of living, its really feeling your emotions, knowing pain, knowing joy, and having it all flutter inside of you.  this expectant mom was unwavering.  she gave us ultrasound photos right away, and she'd decided that we were the ones.  it was amazing to be there with her and to have this face to face meeting before our son was born.  we got to know her, what she liked, what she did not like, and answer any questions she had.  we talked about our level of openness and what we were seeking.  we talked about the future.  we all agreed that we'd meet 4 times per year and we'd share communication by phone/email in between those visits.  it was good to settle on something, something realistic, and something we could all count on.  setting our expectations were important, and we all needed some clear and focused gauge of knowing what the other person was seeking.

shortly after our son was born we were called to come to the hospital.  because of openness we were allowed in the birthmother's hospital room and we got to sit with her and spend time with our son.  because of openness we were allowed to take pictures to share with our friends and family who had prayed so long for this baby to find us.  because of openness we started our relationship with our son's birthmother and her family.

our first visit was just after the revocation period had expired.  will and i were scared, but we knew we had to do it.  see, in the state in which we live, open adoption agreements are not legal documents - they are moral covenants.  in having an open relationship you represent not only your family name and what you've agreed to, but you also represent the agency you are working with.  our agency strongly reminds adoptive parents of this fact.  we never thought for a moment we would not get in the car and drive to the birth mother's house that day, but it was just not an easy thing to do.  i was worried.  i was not worried she was going to take the baby, but i was worried she'd regret her decision.  not her decision to place the child for adoption, but to place the child with us.  i was worried we would not appear to be good parents and she'd worry that she'd picked the wrong people.  i was worried about dax's outfit, how he looked, how she thought he'd look, worried that his hat was too big, his socks were falling off, or that we would not know how to change a diaper in front of everyone.  it was this nervous energy that was making us scared,  not what you'd think you'd be afraid of.  i was just worried we'd let her down.

think how far we'd come.  i mean after all, just one year prior we thought of a birthmother like a villan, and now she's a real person and someone we genuinely wanted to impress and prove ourselves to.  look how much time had changed us.  we came to see how birthparents are a gift.  the time we spend with them is a treasure and something to cherish.  they are part of our children's history - the part that fills in the holes - answers the questions - and makes sense of it all.  these wonderful people gave us the ultimate gift and entrusted us with raising this child.  the least we could do is to respond to their emails, send them pictures, and go visit them whenever we can.

we're an open book now.  after our most recent visit with our birthmom and a thunder storm that caused us to become separated in a park, i had gone into a panic mode when i realized i did not have our birthmom's cell phone number.  fear set in when i thought for a flash of a moment that she'd think we'd abandoned her there.  as soon as we found her and she was safely out of the rain i asked for the number.  she now has ours too.  we email pretty much 3 times a week and we talk about what's going on in each other's lives.  were there when she needs us and she's there when we need her, and we never let each other down.  if you think you won't need her as much as she needs you, just be open and you'll see how much you really do need her.  its openness that's built this relationship and openness that will carry us far into the future with each other.  we originally said we'd meet 4 times annually and so far (in 5 months) we've met 4 times and we've got a 5th visit in the works for june.  this visit is one that i planned.  she never asked for it.  we just feel like its right to meet about every 2 months.  we also pray that she and her family will feel comfortable enough to come to dax's 1st birthday party this fall, and hope we can strive for 6 visits total this year.  sure, its more than she asked for, but its what seems right - right now.  we're changed.  we're grateful to God and everyone who helped to get us here, and we would not have it any other way.

5 months

it's been five months since daxton was born.

it's been five months since this sweet boy found his way into our lives.

it's been five months since our hearts grew exponentially with a love we never knew.

it's hard to believe that daxton is 5 months old today! what a celebration of Easter to share this day with the resurrection of Jesus! daxton is a big fan of church. he went to church three times in the past three days! we went friday night to watch a play and daxton spent his first 2 hours in the nursery. he did a great job and was only fussy for a minute. saturday he went to an Easter egg hunt where there were over 3,000 children hunting 9,000 eggs! we just let dax watch, but he'll be ready to go next year! today he attended sunday's Easter service and he loved singing during church. i hold him and we sing and dance together. he's not too fond of clapping yet, but we'll break him in!

dax is eating food! so far he has tried brown rice cereal, peas, butternut squash, avocado, and sweet potato. we started with the brown rice cereal and he did a great job with the spoon and getting the cereal into his tummy. the following week we tried peas. dax did not like the peas. at all. period. dax spit them out and not one ounce of peas went into his belly. however, the next thing we tried was butternut squash and he latched on to that in a serious fashion! he's been eating it ever since! he tried a bite of avocado, but he liked that about as much as he liked the peas. just yesterday he had sweet potato for the first time and he liked it almost as much as the butternut squash. he's up to eating about 2oz. of food a day. he does a pretty good job sitting in his high chair, but he is not fond of being strapped in. right now i use a pillow to wedge between his side and the high chair so we don't have to use the harness.

dax's favorite thing to do is to jump, jump, jump in his jumperoo! he'd sometimes like to hang out jumping for upwards of 40 minutes if i'd let him! his feet still don't reach the ground, but we've been using a computer laptop lap desk to boost his reach! now he spins around to play with all of the toys on the deck. he also loves his activity mat. he's got "keys" hanging from the arch that he grabs with one hand, a monkey that he grabs with another, and then a "mirror" he kicks with his feet. he'll lay there and just kick and roll around and be happy for hours!

dax's personality is settling in strong. he's inquisitive and interested. he stares intently for long periods of time - but when something he loves catches his eye he'll smile and giggle. he loves to laugh. he went to the dr. for his rashes a few weeks back and the dr. could not get over his infectious laughter. he makes people smile. the biggest thing we've noticed is how dax helps us connect with others. so many people have spoken to us (to tell us how adorable dax is) that would have never spoken to us before. we've made friends, had the door opened by a stranger, and been given friendly smiles. he's a light in our lives and we're thankful for every minute he shines.

it's been five months of 1025 diaper changes.

it's been five months of 1030 bottles for a total of 34.2 gallons.

it's been five months of cuddling, rocking, and loving on our boy.

it's been five months of the purest joy you'd ever know.

created for care - created for us

this past weekend was my visit to ga and a retreat with other adoptive moms at created for care.  the retreat focuses on sharing information between adoptive moms, providing resources, creating connections with each other and with God, and giving you some time to rest in a peaceful environment.  it took a little poking and prodding to get me to go, but i am so eternally grateful that i did.

i believe it was oprah who once said that God speaks in a whisper - and that is definitely true for me.  (at least until this weekend.)  kierstin suggested the retreat to me last year and i really dismissed it, thinking dax would be too young and it would be too expensive.  then when cherie mentioned it to me in 2012 i started to wonder why this was coming up so often.  i figured i had better look into it a little more.  after some research and listening to God - it just seemed meant to be and i decided i would go.  i secured my ticket for the retreat online and picked out my breakout seminars.  cherie and i watched for inexpensive air fare and decided to book our flights.  kierstin offered to share her hotel room with us, so now our rooms were booked as well.  it was all set.  there was no turning back.

the time between when i made all of the arrangements and when the next to last weekend in march would roll around seemed to go quickly.  before i knew it, it was time to pack my suitcase (which is always done the night before) and kiss my babies goodbye.  i was not as sad leaving for the retreat as i was once i got to ga and realized i'd just left my 4 month old baby at home.  i think the reality of it all hit me then.  still, i was with cherie and she and i chatted away.  she kept me busy and kept my mind off of it.  ellen picked us up at the hertz counter at atl and the three of us began to make the trek through atlanta's down town core and over to lake lanier.  i was thankful ellen was driving, since reading a map is not my forte.  we hopped off an exit and found a cuban place for lunch.  after some cuban coffees we were all back in the car and ready for the last leg of the trip.

we arrived to the resort just in time to check in to the hotel, sign into the retreat, pick up our nametags and itineraries, and be ushered off to our first break out session.  my first session was a class on african american haircare.  sweet baby dax does not have much hair right now, but i know (well i hope) that won't always be the case, and when he does have hair i want it to be well managed.  this class was helpful in learning techniques with cleaning, conditioning, using various oils, styling with braids, cornrows, dreads, swimming techniques, and products to use when the kiddos do get into the pool to help keep the hair from drying out.  i took good notes and got a lot of tips on products that we will try (since we never have enough product) once dax gets older.

after a dinner break we all headed to the main session in the hotel's grand ballroom.  we were welcomed with a slideshow of all of the moms and their children they'd brought home from various parts of the globe.  there were over 400 moms there mothering over 1000 adoptive children.  pretty impressive.  the main session with dr. susan hillis began by teaching us that we are perfume, we are mirrors, and we are treasure.  for some people, myself included, it was hard to hear those three things  - even though i wanted to believe them.  i practiced over the next several days, just reminding myself that - i am perfume - i am a mirror - and i am treasure.  its becoming easier to say and thereby easier to believe.

it was great to meet so many people that i'd only previously known online.  it was amazing to see how people are really as open and honest as they represent themselves to be through their blogs.  it was good to meet up and actually put a live face and personality with the blogs and stories i've heard.  everyone was so fantastically amazing!
saturday began with an early rise.  i had not slept much at all the night before.  the reality of talking to a 4 month on the phone was just not that rewarding on my end.  i just missed him terribly.  i got up very early to go to an 8am date with God.  the date with God was intended to help people reconnect with God and to listen to what he is trying to tell you - listening through a whisper - if you will.  the various stations (as part of the date) were to have you go to a prayer wall where you would pray for concerns, a painting station where you would paint what God sees you as, a sculpting station where you'd sculpt what God puts on your heart, a tent for quiet time and prayers where you'd go and sit and be still just listening to God, a gold path at the base of the cross where you'd read scripture that was speaking to you in this time, or a world map where you could physically lie on the country that holds your heart and share your prayer.  you could go to any station in the room, or you could visit them all - but you were only given 1 hour total.  i started at the prayer wall, wrote a prayer for our adoptive hopeful friends and our birthson's mom and then proceeded to pray for every prayer that was written on the wall.  after about 20 minutes at the wall i mosied on over to the tent.  it was whispering my name.

when i got to the tent i immediately found a cozy spot where i could sit and comfortably rest.  i thought this would be the perfect place for me to get answers from God.  after all, in this quiet he'd probably sway my heart one way or the other for adoption plan number two.  do we go international or do we adopt domestically or even through the foster system?  will and i have not been 100% on the same page about it, so i was ultra curious how God would weigh in.  i just sat back, closed my eyes, hung my head, emptied my heart, and listened.  when i listened i could hear my own heart asking for what i want, but nothing else was shining through.  i sat in silence.  i was pretty sad that nothing was coming.  i moved to thinking about my love of dax and my family - when there in the stillness - a light shined through my closed eyelids that made me stop and listen a little bit more closely.  when i starred into the blurry figure of light coming through my eyelids all i could begin to think of was my adopted sister beth.  (for a moment i was thinking why is beth here - is she going to help us decide which adoption we should pursue? - then the duh moment came to me and i realized this was not about me, it was about her.

beth came into our family before i was born.  all i knew of her was that at my birth she was there with her long flowing blond curls and her sweet blue eyes full of excitement for her little baby sister to be welcomed into our family.  to me - life before i was born was just unimportant.  i never concerned myself with it at all.  (well, until you had some school project that poked in to get some details to fill out a timeline or a worksheet.)  i don't recall having any conversations with our parents with regards to beth's story - her history - as to where she was born - where she spent time before coming to mom and dad - or how she processed all of it.  it was in this moment that i realized that her biology and her past was just never a concern of mine - and for that i felt great sorrow.  i thought the right thing to do, when i found out she was adopted, was just to never talk about it again - and by doing that i thought i was saying - hey - i love you just like we were born from the same womb - and that's all you want - right? 

but that was just not the right thing to do.  instead of opening up, i shut down.  even after we started plans to adopt a child of our own, i still never reached out to beth to get her take on things and ask her for advice.  i never thought about gaining insight on her perspective.  the one time i did ask her something about the adoption she just suggested (very gently) that we pursue an open adoption.  in her statement at the time, all i could think about was standing in her kitchen, some 12 years ago, and listening to her story of finding her paperwork in a mess of holes, gaps, and inconclusive information.  it was not until i was sitting under that tent that i realized the pain that she was feeling 12 years prior, and for all her years before and after that time. 

i was never there, and i don't personally feel like anyone in our family ever really was.  for me to feel like such an adoption advocate now, i felt almost two faced for letting this go on any further in our own family.  i had to text her, not get it off my chest, but just to - as quickly as possible - start some form of healing and forgiveness.  i left the date with God and rushed out of the hotel and kept walking until i found a quiet spot.  i stood there and through my tears, i texted beth and asked her to forgive me for never understanding her loss and grief in adoption - and for that matter never trying to.  it was a release of emotion and something that should have been said years prior.  we did not know then what we know now about adopted children suffering the loss of their biological heritage (but i thank God for carissa woodwyk really explaining this to me), and i never once thought how uprooting, damaging, and scary that all must have been for such a tiny young girl.  in a better understanding of the need to know your own personal history i want to do whatever i can to help her heal that wound, gather that information, and find that sense of acknowledgement and fulfillment that she so desires.

not to diminish any other portions of the retreat, but my other sessions on nurturing your marriage and domestic/foster adoption in the us were the ones i was most looking forward to.  nurturing your marriage was something i really wanted to focus on because i want to make sure that dax (and our other future children) always have two loving parents who model sacrificial love for them.  the session was open and honest and covered some delicate topics.  everything fell on listening ears and i was eager to get home and tell will about what i had learned.  we're in a good place that can only get better the more we focus on it and put into it.  the session on domestic/foster adoption was a series of stories of adoptions and foster care journeys that were told by those who had experienced them first hand.  each story was heart felt and chock full of similar experiences we'd had just recently in adopting dax.  will and i have discussed fostering children and foster to adopt programs in the past, so it was good to make a connection with someone in this arena.  this foster mommy has had over 126 children in her home!  she is by far the expert on the topic.  i left this session leaning more towards doing another domestic adoption in the future.  i don't feel that will nor myself could emotionally handle a fostering situation because we do become so attached and in love with people so quickly.  we'll sit this on the back burner for now and come back to it later.

so, even though this past weekend at created for care was a journey that i planned to take for my own self and my own child(ren), it was so much more than i could ever have imagined.  this past weekend has given me the opportunity to make things right with my sister and my parents and help us all heal from a life long journey of living in a closed adoption.  we're ultimately so thankful and grateful to God, beth, cathy, kierstin, bethany, and anyone else who suggested we move forward with an open adoption plan - and know that daxton will always know where he came from before his life "started" here in our home.