blueberry pancakes

it's highly likely that this is our last weekend without a child.

this morning, when i woke - i headed straight to the nursery.  we were stuck in doors this morning with hurricane irene barreling her way through the area.  i sat in the nursery floor and put all of the laundered baby clothes on tiny baby hangers, sorting them all into piles according to size.  i took the top shelf out of the closet (the shelves we added when that was my art closet) so i would have more room for tiny clothes to hang.  i reworked the closet and moved the burp cloths to the changing table, got all of the diapers arranged, folded all of the tiny leggings, and placed all of the hangers into the closet.  my good friend melanie was visiting and she helped me get everything in order.

husband had gotten up and headed to the kitchen to make us blueberry pancakes.  we heard him in there stirring and whipping up pancakes, sizzling bacon, and frying up eggs. 

he took a break from his breakfast making to come into the nursery to make an announcement - he looked out the window and said - "did you think that this is probably the last saturday you'll be in this nursery without a baby?"

i'd thought about it - i'd thought about it a lot.  but, when you put it like that it does seem that this long battle and struggle in waiting for a baby to join our family could actually almost be over.  it's honestly hard to fathom.  we've been attempting to grow our family since 2004, and to think that there could be less than a week of days and nights that separate our lives as a childless married couple to being parents, it's sort of overwhelming.

sure, we're prepared.  i've asked people to quiz me on what i might be missing.  i found out i did not have enough socks, so now we have about 20 pairs.  i was told we better get some baby nail clippers, so those have been secured.  i found out we did not have a baby bathtub and that we better get one, and one miraculously appeared on my doorstep friday.  we've packed a hospital bag, the diaper bag, watched videos, read books, had millions of conversations about how we'll parent and what the future looks like - but it still all seems surreal.

our e-mom's due date is friday - this coming friday - september 2nd.  she told us when we met that she'd carried previous pregnancies overdue, so we do not really know when sweet darling deer could actually arrive.  we'll just have to wait and see - however, we've been through an earthquake and a hurricane this week - so seeing our baby being born in 6 days is not too highly unlikely.

glider rocker

we got a phone call a few months back from the owner of the store where we'd purchased (50% down payment) our custom glider rocker that the owner and her husband were going through a divorce and she was afraid he was going to close the business.  long story short, she wanted us to pay the remaining balance on the glider rocker, even though the chair was not due in until mid august.  she called us from a cell phone.  it seemed pretty shady.  i called amex and asked what we could do.  they told us until the promised date that the chair was set to be delivered, there was nothing more that we could do other than to wait.

we're pretty good at waiting.  so, while i got upset (fired up) about it, worried about it, and hoped we were not out half of our rocking chair money, we waited.  then, this week was the date that the chair was due to be complete.  i checked on wednesday and the company website was still online.  good news.  then two days later i got the phone call that our chair was ready for pick up and that we just needed to pay the remaining balance and come get the chair.  the owner told me that the store had actually closed last saturday.  (if i had known this i probably would have lost it.)

we made arrangements for will to pick up the chair on friday on his way home from work.  luckily he got home right after a huge rain storm and we were able to get the chair inside before we had to run out to his follow up mri appointment last night.  the chair fits perfectly beside the cradle and will confirms that it has excellent rocking form.  he tested it out with a pillow posing as a baby.

amelia thought it was a lovely place to pose for some photos.  i entertained her notion and snapped a few shots of her before she and daddy played catch this morning.

faith in knowing

one of my sweet sisters told me to put on a smile, put on a dress, wear lots of jewelry, and to go have fun last night.  i followed her instructions and we had a great night out.  we dined on our favorite foods, shared a 10 year old bottle of wine, and toasted to 10 years of a wonderful marriage with prosecco.  we really feel like this is the last time we'll be celebrating as a family of two.

this journey is like a roller coaster.  one minute you're on the top of the hill, sometimes you are coasting down the peak, and most of the time you are climbing up hills that you never think you'll reach the top of.  i am not normally a crier (or what i call - shedding tears), but i have been lately.  any little thing can set me off.  some people say that going through an adoption a woman's body can mimic pregnancy symptoms.  if this is possible, i think i have the emotional part down pat.

today was a good day.  while the social worker did not hear from our sweet e-mom, she reassures us that this really is not abnormal and informed us of the standard "what happens next" procedures if the next time we hear from her is when she's in labor.  we still feel really good about the situation and feel like God has gotten us to this point for a reason.  so, i will try not to shed any more tears and keep plugging along with nursery prep, diaper bag packing, and washing tons of laundry.

10th wedding anniversary - but still a worrisome day

the social worker says we shouldn't worry, but i am.  our sweet expectant mother did not show up for her appointment this morning and i cannot help but cry.  the social worker says it happens all the time and its not unusual for this to occur.  she reminded us how busy e-mom is and that she just probably could not make it, or did not feel like she needed to have this visit.  our social worker says she'll call us if/when she hears from e-mom again, but for us to not fret over it.

we just worry that something has happened to her.  we pray that everyone is all right and that she just got called into work etc. 

i was hoping that today i'd get a little more peace about the entire thing.  i cannot help but be nervous for this until it's all officially over and signed off on.  i felt like today was going to be a step for me to feel a little more comfortable about everything.  i am starting to worry that buying all of this pink was a bad idea.

husband and i are going to try and focus on our marriage and the fact that we're celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary today.  we're getting all dressed up and going to a special dinner.  it's hard to believe we've been married 10 years, and we've been through some major ups and downs.  all of those trials have made us stronger together, and i know this one will too.

God's sweet grace

we had our first meeting with the expectant mother that selected our profile book for consideration.  our meeting was at 9am, so we got up early and headed across town to make sure we were "on time".  we got there about half an hour early, and just as we were sitting there (me freaking out), my mom called on will's cell to chat, encourage, and keep our minds off things. 

i was nervous that she would not like us, that she'd find something quirky or irritating that she just could not get past.  we spent last night reading forums, blogs, and website articles about meetings like this - and what to expect.  we created our list of questions (thanks kierstin) and tried to be as prepared as possible.  we burned a dvd of our you tube video and i made a scrapbooky type cd cover with a "sweet darling deer" on the cover.  we figured we'd see how the meeting went, and then at the end if things went well, we'd have it to give to her.  i was nervously sweating bullets by this morning and could not wait to just get into the office and get it over with.

we ended up going inside about 5 minutes early.  when we got there our social worker greeted us and led us into the room.  we met the expectant mother and her husband and our social worker eased us past the awkward silence.  the couple was so sweet, so humble, so gracious, and so kind.  we were amazed at their grace through this process and their willingness to be open with us about their situation and their desires.  we felt good about our conversation and they reassured us that they felt good about it too.  they confirmed with us that they felt so much more reassured since they'd met us in person and they really felt comfortable with us being the parents of this child.

they went on to tell us that they wanted me to be in the delivery room,  for us to be the first ones to hold the baby, for us to be the first ones to change her diapers, feed her, and to give her her name.  we were floored by this level of concern for "us" and the possibility that we might get to see this baby be born.  its something we'd always dreamed of, but dismissed knowing that it could be a very uncomfortable or awkward situation for everyone involved.  we knew however, with this being our possibly one and only domestic infant adoption (future planned adoptions will probably be international or from foster care) that this might be the only chance that we'd ever get to witness a child of "ours" being born or giving them their name.

the expectant mother had great concern for our involvement and wanted us to know that we would not be stepping on her toes.  she wants us to ask for things that we want, things that are important to us, and to speak up if we feel like its needed.  i never thought we'd hear such emotional concern for us, when she's going through so much of a difficult time herself.  she seemed more concerned for us than for herself and we were amazed by her selflessness.

we talked for almost two hours and our social worker set up another meeting for the two of them to firm out her birth plan and open adoption plan (on our anniversary) next week.  we will then have a meeting with the four of us the week after that to go over everything and get everyone's expectations in order.  at the end of the meeting i asked them if they'd seen our video and when she said they had not, i gave her the dvd.  she seemed happy to have it and i hope she'll watch it and learn even more about us to reassure her if she still does have any lingering reservations.

when i prayed to God that he'd send us the baby that He wanted us to parent, i never dreamed that we'd be introduced to and possibly work with (and have a future with) someone so wonderfully amazing as these human beings.  we feel very confident that she is sure in her commitment, and pray that this is the "one", but we know that even if she changes her mind and decides to parent this sweet baby girl that we'll be graced by having met her today. 

we kindly ask that you please continue to pray for this family and their peace with the decision they make.

really? yes, this is for real.

the phone was ringing off the hook today.  by noon there were about 5 missed calls on the home line.  when i am working i rarely even look at the caller id and just let it go to the answering machine and figure we can call them back when work is done.

around 12:20pm my cell phone rang.  this is odd (if you know me) because my cell phone is never turned on and if it is i have no idea where its located.  i was upstairs working and the phone was downstairs.  thinking something must be wrong, i darted down the stairs to try and answer the phone before it stopped ringing.  i did not make it, and by the time i dug through my purse to attempt to find the phone the house phone was ringing again.  i headed for the kitchen, where i heard the ring coming from the counter.  i ran for the other side of the kitchen and lunged for the phone. 

checking the caller id, i saw that it said - BETHANY CHRISTIAN SERVICES.  knowing that we told the agency we did not want to be called for anything other than the confirmation of a possible match, i started to get a bit nervous when i answered the phone.  our social worker indulged me in some small talk and asked me how my tuesday was going.  i started to think that she had some ulterior motive for calling and maybe she was actually not calling with good news, but i could tell she had excitement in her voice.

she went on to tell me that an expectant mother had viewed our book and felt that we were a good match for her baby.  WHOA!  WHAT!  we've only been on the list for a little over a month - how could this really be happening NOW?  she went on to explain more about the expectant mother and her situation.  i quickly scribbled down what she was saying and attempted to instant message will to let him know that BCS was on the phone.  poor will was patiently waiting through my twenty minute phone call, and dying to know what was going on.  all i could instant message him was that BCS was on the phone and that it was good news.  then i gave him the "BRB" message and went back to my scribbling.

the expectant mom - is expecting a baby girl that is due the first week of september.  we have a meeting with her and the social worker on thursday morning, and we're praying that she feels comfortable with us and that if this is the baby that is meant for us to parent that we will find a peace at the meeting.  we're praying for her, her situation, and that regardless of what she decides that she is comfortable in knowing she made the right decision.  please keep her in your prayers as we work through these next few weeks and the situation that unfolds. 

we're over the moon excited and feel like this situation is the "right" one for us.  we've heard others talk of having an inclination when a match was going to fall through, that something was just not right from the start.  we don't want to get too eager or excited, but everything seems like it was meant to be thus far. 

just as an aside - we're about to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary on the 18th of this month.  for such a monumental occasion we'd had huge plans (since the day we were wed) to go to hawaii and renew our vows on the beach.  as the time got closer to this big anniversary, the plans for this big hoorah seemed to fade into the distance.  once the adoption was in full swing, we decided we should do something less expensive, but still meaningful.  we'd decided on a 5 day driving trip (over labor day) to a b&b and restaurant that we'd always wanted to try, then heading north to the town where we first met and eating at the restaurant where we celebrated our first valentine's day, and then stopping over at one last b&b on the way back home.  once we added up the trip we decided that we could not afford to do the trip and buy a new camera, but we had already asked off for the time IN THE FIRST WEEK OF SEPTEMBER.  luckily we did buy the camera, and we did not retract our vacation requests for this time off.  so - maybe, just maybe it was all meant to be.

we'll keep you posted as we find out more within the next 48, but so far everything feels like this is "the one".  we can hardly believe that our sweet darling deer could actually be on her way to us!