roadblocks

i'm in a funk.  (insert sad emoji.)  this is certainly not uplifting, but i'm just trying to work through my feelings as of late, by being as open as possible.  adoption is hard.  as i head into this upcoming mother's day weekend i'm scared - scared of the raw emotions that keep welling up inside me.  sorry in advance for the pain and for the tears.

i'm listening, really i am.  but, i am just not sure what you're trying to tell me.  all i see is roadblock after roadblock and i'm not sure which direction to turn in.  adoption should not be this hard.  we cannot have biological children, that's understood - so when God nudged us ever so ferociously towards adoption back in 2004, we knew it was where we were headed.  yeah, it took us a while to get serious about it all, but eventually we got there.  that is why we did not think that round number two would be nearly as hard as attempt numero uno.  but it is, and in some ways it's way worse.

maybe you forget the difficult times you had in your first adoption when you're in your second because it's like labor pains and those things fade away?  right?  i don't know.  never had them, so how can i even know.  but i honestly do not recall the process to adopt daxton being this terrible.  yes, the failed match was one of the worst times of my life, but outside of that it was all very smooth and uneventful with a minor wait (a blip on the radar) resulting in a perfect match for our little family to grow from two to three members.  but, the process to get from three to four seems impossible.

how is it that i see so many people with more than one child, even more than one adopted child and we are struggling so very hard to make this growth happen? what should we be doing that we're not?  i'm back to seeing pregnant moms and not being happy for them anymore.  i'm resentful, hardened and messy.  people joke about their kids being "annoying" or "bothering them" and i cannot even find it funny.  you say you'd like to spend your mother's day alone with some peace and quiet - not me.  i'd rather be dealing with a crying baby, changing it's diapers, and telling dax to keep his hands off of the electronics.  you see, we long to grow our family, and have for some time, and it's so hard when it is all completely 100% out of your control.   

it's been so hard to know that we've received zero interest in our profile since we started this second journey to adopt.  not one expectant mom has had the desire to even speak to us to ask us any questions or get to know us.  it makes you feel so rejected, unwanted and so vulnerable.  what is it about us that makes us appear so unworthy?  something we've said, how we look, we're too old, not physically fit enough, or is it something else?  recently i've seen lots of posts about expectant moms who only want to work with adoptive families who have no other children.  well, we do have a child, so now what?  who knows.  since the infant placement is seeming so overwhelmingly impossible, i started looking into older children for adoption.  i recently inquired about a four year old on a second chance adoption site, but was told that since we had a five year old in our home we didn't qualify because they wanted no children in the home younger than the age of ten.  i'd fallen in love with that girl.  there was just something about her, that i locked right in on and i was devastated when we were turned down.  i cried all night.  i  previously inquired about other older children and was told that since we have a five year old in the home we didn't qualify to adopt out of birth order.  okay, so we cannot find a match for an infant and we cannot adopt an older child, so what are we to do?  we feel so stuck.

none of this makes any sense.  we're locked in with two agencies, we're marketing ourselves as best we can with pass around cards, online message boards, facebook groups, and trying to sell ourselves any way we know how, but we're getting no where.   is God trying to tell us that one is enough?  leave the other children for someone else?  they're for another family?  we're just supposed to be the parents to dax and that is how the story goes?  that's hard to fathom.  not a week goes by where dax does not ask about his sibling - when are they coming?  - when can they play?  - will it be a boy or a girl? -  he'd make an awesome big brother, but - and maybe this is the hardest thing for me to imagine is how nobody wants dax to be their baby's big brother?  i just cannot wrap my head around it.

but, i just have to stop going there.  i'm not giving up.  we're not giving up.  we're ordering more pass around cards because with everyone's help, nearly 1000 have already been passed out!  that's amazing!  (if anyone else can help us pass around cards, please just message me your address and i'll get you some in the mail when i get my new order. - willandadriadopt@gmail.com )  our online profile book with quiver full is being created shortly and we're keeping our little facebook page maintained with the happenings of what's going on in our world.  we know that this is all in God's perfect timing and one day things will all make sense, but it's hard.  we're human and we cannot see into the future.  the wait is so, so hard.  my heart just longs to have another little one to love and a sibling for dax to call brother or sister.  so, we pray.  we pray that these roadblocks are just stumbling blocks in the path, just little hiccups, but they're not meant to derail us.  we pray they are there just to keep us focused on Christ in every second of this search and wait.  we pray that there is an expectant mom out there that's looking for a situation like ours - a home with a funny, quirky, loving, giving, spirited, Christ centered family that's looking to grow by one; and we pray that she'll find us - right here waiting.

"until God opens the door, praise him in the hallway."