Friday, November 16, 2012


i am generally not a crier.

when dax was just three months old i packed my bags and headed for a long weekend away at an adoptive mom's retreat.  it was the hardest thing i'd ever done.  sure, my mom and will were going to be there to take care of dax and make sure he had his every need cared for, but my heart was still aching and still missing him.  i cried then, but there was a lot going on at that seminar and emotions were at their maximum capacity.

we'd been looking for a way to get dax to mississippi to visit gigi (will's 1-2 year old grand-ma - dax's great-grand-ma) and planned on going at Christmas time.  at first the trip was all talk and it was not until after we checked into the cost of tickets, rental cars, and dog boarding that we determined we just could not make it happen this year.  knowing that time is precious, especially when you are 102 years old, we decided that will and dax should go down the next time will's parents headed down the highway.  i was all for the trip, supported it 100%, but when the time loomed and the date for departure arrived all i could do was cry.

they'd be gone for one week - sunday to sunday - 7 days - 168 hours - 10080 minutes.  their car pulled out of the drive way last sunday afternoon and tears fell as they reached the street.  i know will is a great dad and he does an amazing job taking care of our boy, but still my heart ached for them to be gone and for us to be apart.  i headed back inside, closed the garage door, and just started to sob.  i know its only one week and i know they'll be home soon, but i just could not stop the crying. 

i decided i'd keep busy.  i worked on laundry, washing, drying, folding, hanging, organizing.  i worked on dishes, washing, loading, unloading, putting away.  i worked on taking down party decorations, deflating balloons, taking down streamers, packing up party hats, and eating leftover candy.  i worked on cleaning out dax's closet, folding up 9 month old clothes, packing them away, and putting up new 12 - 18 month size clothes.  i worked on a craft project to make dax a giant ruler to track his growth, sanding, staining, measuring, drawing.

still, all the while at the drop of a hat, you could find me crying.  i've been crying at commercials, songs on the radio, dave ramsey's video on wednesday night at financial peace, and seeing other families shopping at target and the grocery store.  it's hard to be away from your husband and your kids.  one night i was crying so hard i wanted to call my mom and ask if it will always hurt this badly, but luckily i could hardly speak and so i did not go there.  i am sure i would have just made her cry too.  as the week has gone by it has gotten a little better, just knowing we're in the home stretch - and that they'll be home sunday.  it's just two more sleeps without them at home and soon all of my crying will be over.


Ashley said...

Aww, I don't know how you did it! A week is a long time without your baby. Glad it's almost over for you!

beth said...

The first time James went with his dad it was right after we had split. There had been all kinds of threats from the other side. That night i had a friend from Canada stay on the phone with me as I was feeling less than sober. I still worry even now and start to panic if I dont talk to him everyday if they are on a trip. I know what you were feeling and I think it does get better especially after he starts school and you are used to some separation time.