eventually there will be peace

when the mail comes it's been a mix bag of sympathy cards or birthday presents.  the birthday cards were a good distraction from the up and down roller coaster of sad condolences.  don't get me wrong - it's a blessing to get the cards and hear from all of these people supporting us through this twisting winding road.  however, some days it's more difficult to make it through the mail than others.

right after the match failed we continued to get baby girl presents that people had ordered when things had a positive outlook.  it was difficult to open those boxes and padded mailers, but i knew what was inside before i did - so i just braced myself for something pink before i ripped the tape off the box.  however, it got a little more difficult last week when b-day time was upon us.  i was not sure if it was going to be something joyous or something else to put into the nursery.  my grandpa actually did the silliest thing (IMO) and gave me a combo card for my b-day and his expression of sadness that we still did not have our sweet darling deer.

the mantle is a mixture of cards.  a hodge podge if you will.  its the good, the silly, the sad, the sweet, all of those things that friends and loved ones do to make you feel better when you're sad or to wish you happiness to commemorate the day you were born.  we've received 23 notes so far, just from people to let us know they are thinking of us.

will and i decided that we grieve differently when we first really started talking about all of this.  we came to the consensus last week that i grieve hard and fast and that things take a little longer to hit him.  however, we found out this weekend that we're still both dealing with this, even though we thought we'd moved past it.  i told him that i learned that i still cannot drive alone in the car and cannot listen to k-love radio by myself.  we had this discussion over huevos rancheros on a sleepy saturday morning and both ended up in tears. 

we both agreed that this loss is just like our last miscarriage without the physical pain.  we're greiving what could have been, what we thought was going to happen, and where we thought our lives were headed.  it's hard for some people to understand how hard this loss can be, if you have not been down this road yourself.  but for once we felt closer to having a baby in our home than we'd ever been before, so this loss hits us hard - you know the kind that punches you right in the gut - the kind that takes your breath away - the kind that renders you speechless.

we know this takes time, and it's difficult now to move through the motions of the things that we thought would be different at this time because we thought a little one would be with us now.  will was sad that he had to go back on call (not for the work) but because he'd made arrangements to have someone cover him because he thought he would not be there.  it's just another thing that is not as we thought it would be.  it's these silly little things that can send us into sadness.  most of the day we're good.  we're fine.  we're okay.  but, you just never know what minutia will be the thing that sends you over the edge.

so thanks for the gifts, the cards, the difficult phone calls, the hard to mention the subject e-mails, and just being there.  we really appreciate all of it, even if we cannot say it.  we know eventually there will be peace.

a weekend away

last weekend we headed out to wine country, nc to get away for 36 hours and recenter ourselves.  we loaded up the car and drove out to sample some fine wine, spend a night in a little cottage in the woods, feast on some delicious food, and just be with each other.  we had a great time relaxing, recouping, and reconnecting.  the weather was gorgeous and we went to a lot of places we'd never seen in nc before.  it was good to unwind and chat it up with husband.  we did not realize how exhausted we were, but apparently living your life waiting for a phone call had taken its toll on us.  we feel so much better now that we were able to get back on track and refocus our journey.

coping

we're working through things and each day gets a little less teary eyed. we're not sad that this sweet mother kept her baby - we're just sad for the future we dreamed of, and the things that might have been. for the first time since 2004 it seemed like a realistic goal to soon have a baby joining our family. we knew when we opened ourselves up for adoption that we were entering some risky territory and did our best to prepare our hearts. no matter how hard you try though, it's hard not to latch on to something you've wanted for so long - even though it is not yours.

our super fabulous social worker supplied us with some very informative information on grief. over the past few days we've been touched by the outpouring of love and support from family and friends. however, we've also had to confront their issues of anger towards this sweet mother. we understand that our friends and family have not gone through all of the courses, e-classes, webinars, books, blogs, seminars, and experiences we've encountered and that everyone grieves differently. however, we felt defensive when others said things that we wished they could take back. after all, this sweet mother had no obligation to place her baby, and she did what she felt was right for her baby. this baby was never ours. so, we just want to make sure that there are no bad feelings out there for her. she's doing all she can in this world to make a better life for her little one, and we give her all due respect - and just ask that our family and friends do the same.

for anyone who is curious, below is an excerpt from some of the information our social worker passed along to us about grief. feel free to read, take what you need, and share what you want. (while our situation is not specifically about the death of a human being, it is the death of a dream of the life of this particular baby in our family. we've been angry, we've bargained, we're coping, we're accepting, we're healing.)

"Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.

Myths and Facts About Grief

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.
Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.
Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.
Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.
Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person. *Source: Center for Grief and Healing

The main point to remember is “there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief
By Julie Axelrod

The stages of mourning are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life. Mourning occurs in response to an individual’s own terminal illness or to the death of a valued being, human or animal. There are five stages of normal grief. They were first proposed by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.”

In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working through each step and express each stage more or less intensely. The five stages do not necessarily occur in order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve this final stage of grief. The death of your loved one might inspire you to evaluate your own feelings of mortality. Throughout each stage, a common thread of hope emerges. As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.
Many people do not experience the stages in the order listed below, which is okay. The key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you must go through every one of them, in precise order. Instead, it’s more helpful to look at them as guides in the grieving process — it helps you understand and put into context where you are.

1. Denial and Isolation
The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2. Anger
As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.

Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.

3. Bargaining
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–
• If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
• If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
• If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…
Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

4. Depression
Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

5. Acceptance
Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.

Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.

Coping with loss is a ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing."

not the one

i just got a phone call from bethany.  unfortunately it was not the call we'd wanted to receive.  turns out that e-mom actually had her sweet baby girl two weeks ago, but decided that she wanted to parent.  while we're happy for her and her family with this blessing of a little baby, we're devastated.

i guess this was not our sweet darling deer afterall.

(ps - have to add that our social worker just got the email from e-mom this morning and she called us and forwarded us the email as soon as she got them.  unfortunately e-mom had not returned our social worker's previous calls or emails since august 5th.)

yes, we're still waiting.

waiting stinks.  it's no fun.  i don't like it.  i don't like it at all.  my niece ellie says it all in this photo that i snapped while we were at the beach  this summer.  does she look like she's having fun?  it's not pretty.  there is nothing pretty about it.  i am mean, i am snippy, i am grumbly.  it's just not fun.  ask will.  don't even think of calling any of our phones.  i won't answer.  if you are not bethany or a nc number that i don't recognize then you are probably not the good news i am looking for, so no me respuesta.  i actually literally get angry with the phone - the nerve of this person to call me!  how rude!  don't even think of asking me to do anything.  i don't want to go anywhere, i don't want to do anything, i don't want to see anyone.  but, i don't want to be alone, so don't leave me here all stranded like this either.  i don't want to sleep, but i'm so tired.  i don't want to eat, but if you want to make me some baked macaroni and cheese that would be fine.  and for goodness sake don't ask me if we've heard anything yet.  seriously, we will tell you when we hear something - anything!  i promise!   it's gross.

but people are trying to be supportive, be helpful, be good friends - and i know this.  i am not so why it's so hard - this part of the wait, when we've been waiting since 2004.  i feel like i've been pretty patient for the past 2555 days.  but now, somehow all of my patience is gone.  it's a jittery unstable feeling, one i don't like.  we're not in control, and we know that this part is in God's hands - but it honestly does not make it any easier to swallow.  i pray that every hour will be the hour, every phone call will be the phone call, every new day will be the day.  we went to the movies sunday night and had to sit in just the right seats, even with my cell phone on ring (loud) and vibrate - just in case they called.  i figured two movie tickets, a popcorn, a soda, and watching all of the movie trailers was exactly what sweet darling deer needed to be prompted into this oxygen bubble - but it wasn't.

we pray (just about every waking moment) that our e-mom and her sweet baby are still doing well.  we want them healthy and happy - and we pray that God will protect them and keep them safe.  we know e-mom was uncomfortable when we met her a month ago, and we cannot imagine how she's feeling now.  we pray she is able to sleep and rest and that she's not still having to work.  we pray her heart isn't too heavy and that she's content with whatever she's decided. 

until it's time i promise to do my best to be less worrisome, less anxious, and more understanding of other's caring concern for our handling of this waiting time.  and please know that we will post something - the minute we hear anything at all.

officially overdue

we've gone officially past the due date.  sweet darling deer decided that her birthday would not be september 2nd.  while we pray that she comes sooner rather than later, we want her to make her grand appearance when she's ready to do it.  we're ready and waiting, so whenever she's ready - we'll be there.

until then we'll all continue to try and get some rest.

blueberry pancakes

it's highly likely that this is our last weekend without a child.

this morning, when i woke - i headed straight to the nursery.  we were stuck in doors this morning with hurricane irene barreling her way through the area.  i sat in the nursery floor and put all of the laundered baby clothes on tiny baby hangers, sorting them all into piles according to size.  i took the top shelf out of the closet (the shelves we added when that was my art closet) so i would have more room for tiny clothes to hang.  i reworked the closet and moved the burp cloths to the changing table, got all of the diapers arranged, folded all of the tiny leggings, and placed all of the hangers into the closet.  my good friend melanie was visiting and she helped me get everything in order.

husband had gotten up and headed to the kitchen to make us blueberry pancakes.  we heard him in there stirring and whipping up pancakes, sizzling bacon, and frying up eggs. 

he took a break from his breakfast making to come into the nursery to make an announcement - he looked out the window and said - "did you think that this is probably the last saturday you'll be in this nursery without a baby?"

i'd thought about it - i'd thought about it a lot.  but, when you put it like that it does seem that this long battle and struggle in waiting for a baby to join our family could actually almost be over.  it's honestly hard to fathom.  we've been attempting to grow our family since 2004, and to think that there could be less than a week of days and nights that separate our lives as a childless married couple to being parents, it's sort of overwhelming.

sure, we're prepared.  i've asked people to quiz me on what i might be missing.  i found out i did not have enough socks, so now we have about 20 pairs.  i was told we better get some baby nail clippers, so those have been secured.  i found out we did not have a baby bathtub and that we better get one, and one miraculously appeared on my doorstep friday.  we've packed a hospital bag, the diaper bag, watched videos, read books, had millions of conversations about how we'll parent and what the future looks like - but it still all seems surreal.

our e-mom's due date is friday - this coming friday - september 2nd.  she told us when we met that she'd carried previous pregnancies overdue, so we do not really know when sweet darling deer could actually arrive.  we'll just have to wait and see - however, we've been through an earthquake and a hurricane this week - so seeing our baby being born in 6 days is not too highly unlikely.

glider rocker

we got a phone call a few months back from the owner of the store where we'd purchased (50% down payment) our custom glider rocker that the owner and her husband were going through a divorce and she was afraid he was going to close the business.  long story short, she wanted us to pay the remaining balance on the glider rocker, even though the chair was not due in until mid august.  she called us from a cell phone.  it seemed pretty shady.  i called amex and asked what we could do.  they told us until the promised date that the chair was set to be delivered, there was nothing more that we could do other than to wait.

we're pretty good at waiting.  so, while i got upset (fired up) about it, worried about it, and hoped we were not out half of our rocking chair money, we waited.  then, this week was the date that the chair was due to be complete.  i checked on wednesday and the company website was still online.  good news.  then two days later i got the phone call that our chair was ready for pick up and that we just needed to pay the remaining balance and come get the chair.  the owner told me that the store had actually closed last saturday.  (if i had known this i probably would have lost it.)

we made arrangements for will to pick up the chair on friday on his way home from work.  luckily he got home right after a huge rain storm and we were able to get the chair inside before we had to run out to his follow up mri appointment last night.  the chair fits perfectly beside the cradle and will confirms that it has excellent rocking form.  he tested it out with a pillow posing as a baby.

amelia thought it was a lovely place to pose for some photos.  i entertained her notion and snapped a few shots of her before she and daddy played catch this morning.

faith in knowing

one of my sweet sisters told me to put on a smile, put on a dress, wear lots of jewelry, and to go have fun last night.  i followed her instructions and we had a great night out.  we dined on our favorite foods, shared a 10 year old bottle of wine, and toasted to 10 years of a wonderful marriage with prosecco.  we really feel like this is the last time we'll be celebrating as a family of two.

this journey is like a roller coaster.  one minute you're on the top of the hill, sometimes you are coasting down the peak, and most of the time you are climbing up hills that you never think you'll reach the top of.  i am not normally a crier (or what i call - shedding tears), but i have been lately.  any little thing can set me off.  some people say that going through an adoption a woman's body can mimic pregnancy symptoms.  if this is possible, i think i have the emotional part down pat.

today was a good day.  while the social worker did not hear from our sweet e-mom, she reassures us that this really is not abnormal and informed us of the standard "what happens next" procedures if the next time we hear from her is when she's in labor.  we still feel really good about the situation and feel like God has gotten us to this point for a reason.  so, i will try not to shed any more tears and keep plugging along with nursery prep, diaper bag packing, and washing tons of laundry.

10th wedding anniversary - but still a worrisome day

the social worker says we shouldn't worry, but i am.  our sweet expectant mother did not show up for her appointment this morning and i cannot help but cry.  the social worker says it happens all the time and its not unusual for this to occur.  she reminded us how busy e-mom is and that she just probably could not make it, or did not feel like she needed to have this visit.  our social worker says she'll call us if/when she hears from e-mom again, but for us to not fret over it.

we just worry that something has happened to her.  we pray that everyone is all right and that she just got called into work etc. 

i was hoping that today i'd get a little more peace about the entire thing.  i cannot help but be nervous for this until it's all officially over and signed off on.  i felt like today was going to be a step for me to feel a little more comfortable about everything.  i am starting to worry that buying all of this pink was a bad idea.

husband and i are going to try and focus on our marriage and the fact that we're celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary today.  we're getting all dressed up and going to a special dinner.  it's hard to believe we've been married 10 years, and we've been through some major ups and downs.  all of those trials have made us stronger together, and i know this one will too.

God's sweet grace

we had our first meeting with the expectant mother that selected our profile book for consideration.  our meeting was at 9am, so we got up early and headed across town to make sure we were "on time".  we got there about half an hour early, and just as we were sitting there (me freaking out), my mom called on will's cell to chat, encourage, and keep our minds off things. 

i was nervous that she would not like us, that she'd find something quirky or irritating that she just could not get past.  we spent last night reading forums, blogs, and website articles about meetings like this - and what to expect.  we created our list of questions (thanks kierstin) and tried to be as prepared as possible.  we burned a dvd of our you tube video and i made a scrapbooky type cd cover with a "sweet darling deer" on the cover.  we figured we'd see how the meeting went, and then at the end if things went well, we'd have it to give to her.  i was nervously sweating bullets by this morning and could not wait to just get into the office and get it over with.

we ended up going inside about 5 minutes early.  when we got there our social worker greeted us and led us into the room.  we met the expectant mother and her husband and our social worker eased us past the awkward silence.  the couple was so sweet, so humble, so gracious, and so kind.  we were amazed at their grace through this process and their willingness to be open with us about their situation and their desires.  we felt good about our conversation and they reassured us that they felt good about it too.  they confirmed with us that they felt so much more reassured since they'd met us in person and they really felt comfortable with us being the parents of this child.

they went on to tell us that they wanted me to be in the delivery room,  for us to be the first ones to hold the baby, for us to be the first ones to change her diapers, feed her, and to give her her name.  we were floored by this level of concern for "us" and the possibility that we might get to see this baby be born.  its something we'd always dreamed of, but dismissed knowing that it could be a very uncomfortable or awkward situation for everyone involved.  we knew however, with this being our possibly one and only domestic infant adoption (future planned adoptions will probably be international or from foster care) that this might be the only chance that we'd ever get to witness a child of "ours" being born or giving them their name.

the expectant mother had great concern for our involvement and wanted us to know that we would not be stepping on her toes.  she wants us to ask for things that we want, things that are important to us, and to speak up if we feel like its needed.  i never thought we'd hear such emotional concern for us, when she's going through so much of a difficult time herself.  she seemed more concerned for us than for herself and we were amazed by her selflessness.

we talked for almost two hours and our social worker set up another meeting for the two of them to firm out her birth plan and open adoption plan (on our anniversary) next week.  we will then have a meeting with the four of us the week after that to go over everything and get everyone's expectations in order.  at the end of the meeting i asked them if they'd seen our video and when she said they had not, i gave her the dvd.  she seemed happy to have it and i hope she'll watch it and learn even more about us to reassure her if she still does have any lingering reservations.

when i prayed to God that he'd send us the baby that He wanted us to parent, i never dreamed that we'd be introduced to and possibly work with (and have a future with) someone so wonderfully amazing as these human beings.  we feel very confident that she is sure in her commitment, and pray that this is the "one", but we know that even if she changes her mind and decides to parent this sweet baby girl that we'll be graced by having met her today. 

we kindly ask that you please continue to pray for this family and their peace with the decision they make.

really? yes, this is for real.

the phone was ringing off the hook today.  by noon there were about 5 missed calls on the home line.  when i am working i rarely even look at the caller id and just let it go to the answering machine and figure we can call them back when work is done.

around 12:20pm my cell phone rang.  this is odd (if you know me) because my cell phone is never turned on and if it is i have no idea where its located.  i was upstairs working and the phone was downstairs.  thinking something must be wrong, i darted down the stairs to try and answer the phone before it stopped ringing.  i did not make it, and by the time i dug through my purse to attempt to find the phone the house phone was ringing again.  i headed for the kitchen, where i heard the ring coming from the counter.  i ran for the other side of the kitchen and lunged for the phone. 

checking the caller id, i saw that it said - BETHANY CHRISTIAN SERVICES.  knowing that we told the agency we did not want to be called for anything other than the confirmation of a possible match, i started to get a bit nervous when i answered the phone.  our social worker indulged me in some small talk and asked me how my tuesday was going.  i started to think that she had some ulterior motive for calling and maybe she was actually not calling with good news, but i could tell she had excitement in her voice.

she went on to tell me that an expectant mother had viewed our book and felt that we were a good match for her baby.  WHOA!  WHAT!  we've only been on the list for a little over a month - how could this really be happening NOW?  she went on to explain more about the expectant mother and her situation.  i quickly scribbled down what she was saying and attempted to instant message will to let him know that BCS was on the phone.  poor will was patiently waiting through my twenty minute phone call, and dying to know what was going on.  all i could instant message him was that BCS was on the phone and that it was good news.  then i gave him the "BRB" message and went back to my scribbling.

the expectant mom - is expecting a baby girl that is due the first week of september.  we have a meeting with her and the social worker on thursday morning, and we're praying that she feels comfortable with us and that if this is the baby that is meant for us to parent that we will find a peace at the meeting.  we're praying for her, her situation, and that regardless of what she decides that she is comfortable in knowing she made the right decision.  please keep her in your prayers as we work through these next few weeks and the situation that unfolds. 

we're over the moon excited and feel like this situation is the "right" one for us.  we've heard others talk of having an inclination when a match was going to fall through, that something was just not right from the start.  we don't want to get too eager or excited, but everything seems like it was meant to be thus far. 

just as an aside - we're about to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary on the 18th of this month.  for such a monumental occasion we'd had huge plans (since the day we were wed) to go to hawaii and renew our vows on the beach.  as the time got closer to this big anniversary, the plans for this big hoorah seemed to fade into the distance.  once the adoption was in full swing, we decided we should do something less expensive, but still meaningful.  we'd decided on a 5 day driving trip (over labor day) to a b&b and restaurant that we'd always wanted to try, then heading north to the town where we first met and eating at the restaurant where we celebrated our first valentine's day, and then stopping over at one last b&b on the way back home.  once we added up the trip we decided that we could not afford to do the trip and buy a new camera, but we had already asked off for the time IN THE FIRST WEEK OF SEPTEMBER.  luckily we did buy the camera, and we did not retract our vacation requests for this time off.  so - maybe, just maybe it was all meant to be.

we'll keep you posted as we find out more within the next 48, but so far everything feels like this is "the one".  we can hardly believe that our sweet darling deer could actually be on her way to us!

latest obsession: baby clothes

baby clothes are adorable.  it's hard to find things that don't look too boyish or too girly, so when you do - and they are on sale - you just have to buy them.  lately i have been a huge fan of zulily.com.  i am still waiting on another shipment from that bargain site.  so far we've sound other sale items at janie and jack, gap, old navy, pure blankz, and kimono baby.  while it's hard to resist things with ruffles, hot pink, little airplanes, or anything else totally gender specific - i think we've found some pretty cute stuff.

i still need to launder everything and get them ready for a baby, but i think we've still got time.  so, until further notice i will keep hunting for bargains and keep collecting gender neutral clothing.  but, when a phone call happens and i know we're going to baby boy or baby girl land - everyone better look out for the flood of blue or pink!

illy in recovery & some cradle bedding

iliana is slowly but surely recovering from her pancreatitus.  she and her sister are still having squabbles over food, which is to be expected due to the cushing's disease - but other than this we are in a much better place then we were last week at this time.  today she decided that she was going to skip out on her pain meds by locating them in her food and spitting the pills out on the floor.  luckily i caught on to her, and with some extra crafty burying i covered them in wet food and got them into her.  she's getting back to her old self in "wiggle worming" on the carpet to scratch her back, searching for chew bones (even after we put them all in the garbage), and demanding things that she wants by scratching, digging, pacing, and barking. 

this evening i opened the front door to find that our cradle bumper had finally been delivered.  it could not match more perfectly in our room!  i am so happy with it!

sickly doggie baby

Tuesday afternoon our sweet baby dog (Iliana) seemed to get very sick very quickly.  She had a recheck appointment at the vet later on that evening, but by 3:30pm it was apparent that she was not going to make it to that 6pm appointment.  I called the vet and they had us come in right away.


Iliana is 10 years old and has had struggles with anxiety, aggressiveness (towards her sister dog) over food, problems with stomach upset, and several other ongoing issues that have sent us back and forth to the vet for the past few years.  We knew that stress was triggering our girl to get upset tummies and to do anything to be with us when we prepped to leave the house.  The anxiety got so bad a few months ago that we had to put her on medication. 


The problems on Tuesday including diarrhea and vomiting at the same time.  Yikes!  It got so bad that I could not control it, and off to the vet we went.  After about three hours of tests they determined (from x-ray) that her liver was enlarged and that she was testing positive on a CPL test (alerting us to an issue with the pancreas).  The vet gave her an injection of an antibiotic, told us she likely had Cushing's Disease, told us to buy some Prilosec to give her on a daily basis, and to follow up with the ultrasound tech to confirm this disease.


Kind of in shock, I left the vet - just accepting what they said, doing what they said, and not thinking things were too serious.


When we got home Iliana tanked up on water (like she always does) and I gave her the Prilosec.  Within minutes she was projectile vomiting.  She continued to throw up (every 15 - 20 minutes) until 9pm.  At 7:30pm we called the vet and told them about the vomiting.  They told us to take her off food and water and try the Prilosec again in the morning...


At 10:30pm she started dry heaving again.  At this point, the hubs decided we needed to get her to the ER.  The more we Googled, the more nervous we got.  I feared she had pancreatitus, and reading about pancreatitus you can learn that it can get so severe that it can be deadly.  We called the doggie ER and told them we'd be on our way.


They took us straight back to a room and took Iliana to another room.  They started running tests on her as quickly as they could, while I pulled out the arsenal of paperwork to document what was done earlier in the day and all of the bottles of pills that she's been on recently.  The Dr. examined her and quickly told us that they suspect she had pancreatitus and Cushing's Disease - all signs pointed to "yes".  They admitted her to the ICU and promised they'd take good care of her.  They told us we could call and check in on her throughout the night and that they'd be in touch by 10am the next morning.


Wednesday we had a long (3 hour visit) at the Doggie ER. Illy was diagnosed with all of the following: Severe Acute Pancreatitus, a tumor on her spleen, an enlarged liver, enlarged adrenal gland, kidney stones, a heart murmur (grade 4), bladder infection, UTI, and they are 90% certain she has Cushing's.




WHOA!


The doctors took their time to explain everything to us and talk to us about what the future would look like with a sweet baby that has Cushing's disease.  Hopefully with the right medication and a watchful eye she can live a happy and relaxed remainder of her life.  It's hard to digest it all when you look back and all of the symptoms she has had over the year are now screaming out "DUH!  Hello, why did you not notice this before!"  I feel so bad that she has been suffering with this Cushing's disease for who knows how long, and we've been treating the individual symptoms, but never seeing the big picture.


Thinking about all of this cannot help us think how we'd feel if this same situation happened to our human baby.  It's been so hard to handle the fact that a living creature is suffering because you cannot read their symptoms and get them the treatment that they need to feel better.


Illy kept down food for 12 hours without getting sick, and this afternoon we got to bring her home.  She is on quite a few medicines and a special diet.  They will recheck her on August 4th and will talk to us about the treatment plan for the Cushing's once the pancreatitus has settled down.
 
Please keep us in your prayers.  I feel so guilty for not pushing harder with vet #1 to get her some anti nausea medication then and there and taking their response to our alarm when we called.  I felt helpless then, but I knew something was not right.  It's difficult when you put your trust in someone else's judgement to help you make a decision over a helpless living being.  However, I know that if everything had not played out the way that it did, we might not have ended up at the ER vet on Tuesday night and Illy might not be laying here sleeping on the bed right this minute.

comment bug

i've heard from many of you that there is some sort of "bug" preventing you from commenting on the blog.  we did not know what it could be, but husband did some research and figured out a way around having to re-install all of the blog page settings and hopefully everyone can now get their comments on!

sorry for the issues, and hopefully this clears up the problem!

craft project number 2 - part 2 - cradle

cradle time.

i know the baby only sleeps in the cradle for a short period of time and that it will find its way to the attic shortly after the baby finds their way to the nursery.  i logically know all of this.  however, i cannot pull myself away from the cradle obsession.

i was on the mission to find the perfect cradle, and then to get said cradle assembled.  i did not want to spend a lot of money on this cradle, knowing what i stated above.  daddy visited with mommy and spent the entire 4th of july building this cradle.  we took all of the parts we had, measured the openings, evaluated what we needed to make this work (safely), and then made two trips to lowe's to get everything we needed.  we gathered the drill, the newly purchased "missing parts", our patience, and sat down for an afternoon of getting this all together.

i am in love with the sanding that i did on that early saturday morning a few weeks back, but i am not in love with the mis-matched silver and gold screws/bolts etc.  i have been contemplating spray painting those screws and bolts to better blend in with the cradle itself.  not sure which way we'll go on that.

that all being said, once i determined that we were going to have to spend $16 on missing screws, i knew that we were not going to attempt making cradle bedding for this cradle and would be ordering the bedding.  i think i finally decided to order the following combo to match with our bedroom:

we're thinking that the cream matelesse will be the exterior fabric, the zig zag stripe will be on the interior of the bumper, and the robins egg fabric would be on the piping and ties.  we know it's blue and blue is typically for "boys", but it matches our bedroom and we think that is the direction we should go.

photo time!

will got me my 10 year wedding anniversary present early so i could learn how to use it before the baby comes.  i had been looking for a digital slr camera for a while now and finally decided on the one i wanted to get.  we went today to look at them and see them in person, and before i knew it we were walking out of the store with a new canon eos 7d and all of the start up accessories!

stay tuned for some photos with the new camera - once i read the manual - watch the demo - and charge the battery!

hopefully by the time the little darling deer arrives i will know what i am doing!

craft project number 1 - part 2 - burp cloths

the mommy was here for several days to help me figure out the sewing machine and the remaining work that needed to be done on the burp cloths.  bless her sweet heart, she had bronchitis and just did not feel well, but she worked diligently to get me set up and teach me how to use the machine. 

we had numerous trials with the bobbin thread running out, the needle breaking, the fabric getting jammed, and the stitch skipping.  mom kept her patience and worked with the machine to get everything properly working.  after many hours of effort mommy and i had come up with a dozen uniquely crafted burp cloths. 

some of the stitches are crooked, some have stitches that are skipped, some of the fabric is off center, and we have no idea how they will hold up in the washing machine.  they may not be exactly perfect, but they were hand made with love and i would not trade them for anything.

craft project number 2 - part 1 - cradle

i know - you are thinking what happened to the burp cloths part 2? 

well - you see - the sewing machine and i got off to a rocky start and i called my mom one night a couple weeks back, at about 11pm when i needed some assistance.  i begged her to come and help me right then!  she thought it was hysterical, but did agree to come help me when she could.  turns out tomorrow is the day.

projects and i have had a rough time here lately.  i thought it would be a great idea to purchase a cradle off craig's list and make the cradle bumper and we'd have our own unique hand assembled piece.  we found a great deal (or so i thought) on this cradle and went to pick it up about a month ago.  it sat, unattended in our garage, for almost a month until the dog woke me up last saturday morning at 6:30am and i could not go back to sleep.  i cruised on out to the garage and began scrubbing, sanding, and inspecting the cradle.  after some thought about how all of the parts would fit together, i realized that we were missing quite a few screws. 

this part, above, is the only thing that was preassembled and the rest of it is missing bits and pieces.  will decided there would be no more purchasing from craig's list and we really should not be doing any more projects.

before i resorted to agreeing with no more projects i decided i would go and price out the fabric and all of the pieces to create our own custom bumper.  i found the inserts online for $20 and then went to the fabric store and found out the fabric i wanted was about $30 a yard.  after doing all of the math i determined that it would just be cheaper (and easier) to purchase our cradle bumper online.  will was right.

so on july 4th my mom will be helping me learn how to sew and my dad will be helping me find the missing pieces for the cradle.  hopefully we will wrap up all of these unfinished projects and i can find something else to occupy my time and my project oriented brain.